A Swift Kick & A Band-Aid

Sometimes, I Think She's Truly Crazy ...
And I Love it

Whenever my husband goes off on one of his long term play dates in another country, I find myself compelled to clean. And I do mean COMPELLED ... seriously, I just finished reorganizing the freezer.

Forget the fact that the kitchen floor is a mess and the counters look like they need a bleach bath and I think there is dog food smeared on one of the cabinets ... that freezer is organized!

Earlier, I relocated a TV to create a better layout in the spare bedroom (don't worry, the TV has not been evicted in my husband's absence ... where else would I send him to play his XBOX and get out of my hair?) and reorganized a storage closet.

Up next - organizing craft supplies and gift wrap items!

We Can Hang A Sign On The Door That Says 'Please Do Not Disturb'

It was cramped and dim - a gray cube lit only by a few florescent bulbs. There was barely enough room to turn around with the acrid smell of chemical disinfectant floating through the air. An overwhelming uneasiness consumed the small environment as the floor felt like it would never stop moving.

I knelt and prayed as best as I could.

As Maui disappeared from view, I hoped for nothing more than to not throw up in the first class lavatory. I came back to my seat so overwelmed by the flu-like feeling that I hid my face and cried.

I spent the rest of the flight clutching an airsick bag - thankfully not needing to put it to use - and fitfully trying to sleep.

It was not a great way to end 9 days in paradise, and just a hint at how the return trip would go. But I am home now, and no longer in paradise where I spent my time taking pictures of sea turtles instead of blogging.

I am sad to leave Hawaii behind but I am glad to be home.

No matter where I’m at I can’t pretend I’ve found something better than where I’ve been

Dear Verizon Wireless,

I have lived in the same proximity for the last four years and it wasn't until I upgraded to the "fabulous" EnV2 that I had problems.

Ridiculous numbers of dropped calls. And never in the same place twice. I'm talking like 4 dropped calls during one conversation.

You replaced my phone, it still doesn't work.

You moved me to tier two tech support, it took over a week to get a response when you promised 24-48 hours.

The answer - marginal coverage area.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I've lived here for four years with no problems and now, after I get one of your "high end phones," you want be to believe that part of the Washington metro area - in which you have repeaters in even the metro tunnels - is really a marginal coverage area?!?

Bite me, Verizon

Well I heard the news that you were back in town
Just passin’ through to claim your lost and found

Overheard on the bus as the door opened at a stop:

"Nice talking to you. I really hope you call."

Uhm... really? Did scuzzy guy just hit on creepy frigid lady? On the bus?

Wow.

I bet you stand a really great chance, dude.

Everytime We Touch I Get This Feeling ...

For whatever reason, commuters have chosen this week to flood the evening buses. I'm talking standing room only, multi-bus-long lines at transfer points (especially the metro). That may explain my new found, uh, "friend" today.

I was sitting in one of the seats that faces the aisle of the bus (as opposed to facing the front of the bus), talking to my coworker in the row next to me, minding my own business, and I noticed ... my space was being encroached upon.

Ordinarily on an overly crowded bus, this is common and a slightly annoyed look reminds the offender that they should stay within their own space. Hey, it works. (I promise it has nothing to do with the fact that I am generally several inches taller than said offender or have a slightly annoyed face that also says, "Do I look like I'm going to let that slide?" They just stop ... What? I've never done bodily harm to anyone on the bus ...)

That technique did not work so well today...

At first, because I was trying to talk to my friend, I tried to ignore it. But the encroachment kept on coming... Mr. Hoodie next to me fell asleep and was trying to use me as his personal shoulder pillow!

I kept shifting toward my friend but one can only move their upper body so far in one direction without looking like they are trying to cut one, tipping over, or ripping in half. So, he ended up square on my shoulder like we were new best buddies. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, he woke up, lifted his head, and tried to mutter some type of "excuse me" or "sorry" ... I couldn't really tell ...

Sing it with me everyone ... AWKWARD!

If You Realize What I Just Realized

Lesson of the day:

It is worth paying a professional to do the job right when one wants their armpits waxed.

Yes, I tried to do this myself ... and failed ...

Luckily, I didn't injure myself but I did end up with a bunch of sticky purple wax to clean up and significantly more hair left than one would expect after a wax job. Is there a more coordinated woman out there that has managed to do this at home successfully?*

*If I were awesome enough to have a gay following like Tori Spelling or Jen Lancaster, I would almost expect this answer to come from some fabulous tranny that knows how to dress with style miles beyond me. But, I'm not that awesome ...

So Much for That Raise ...

One should not start a new year crying ...

I just got off the phone with the new "I think I'm fantastic" dentist office. Apparently my entire mouth full of is rotting out of my head at a speed I never imagined possible. Well, ok ... its not that bad ... but it is bad.

The first installment of four filling appointments (yes, I said four) is slated to cost me a whopping $1,095 and my insurance has graciously agreed to pay the lovely sum of $84. That only leaves me with another $1,011 to come up with.

multiply times four ...

I'm looking at approximately $4000 flying out of my bank account before the year even gets off to a rolling start.

Oh, and did I note that Mr. I Am So Fantastic has no idea why I have so many cavities? He assumed I drink soda and eat a lot of candy ... neither of which I do. I am a daily brusher. Granted a less than daily flosser. But I avoid gum, mints, soda, candy, chewy foods ... so care to explain why I'm looking at drill-a-palooza 08 ...?

Someone please tell me I'm still sleeping off a bad night of binge drinking and that this is just a nightmare I will wake up from quite soon ...

Maybe I Should Just Be Happy I Feel Like Reading Again?

So ...

do you officially stop being an academic when you start using toilet paper as a bookmark ...?

Or did does that happen much earlier and I just missed it?

And when it rains,
Will you always find an escape?

I had another doctors appointment this morning so I decided to take the whole day off...

I've come to the computer with the urge to blog three or four times now since I got done with the appointment, but nothing seems to be there, ready to come out.

I think its time to admit I'm in another funk

I want back what I never really had ... but my heart remembers what I told myself it was. I know I don't want what it would be now ... but my heart remembers what I convinced myself it would be today.

When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how

According to the belief that God (whoever and where ever that being is these days) only gives you can handle ... I'm one resilient muther fucker...

We all saw a funeral coming ... Sunday it will finally arrive. Monday we will go do what the military calls a burial. After that much neglect and selfishness, how could you not see this coming? I'm fairly certain they did and that was precisely why they behaved the way they did. The only thing I have to say about that is: passively allowing a person to die is still actively choosing not to help a person live.

And if that weren't enough ...

My aunt needs surgery on her foot after crushing her heel and she's dealing with a compression fracture of thoracic vertebrae. Its a tough road to go when you've got help - she lives alone and is now homebound, unable to navigate the stairs to her front door.

Have you ever felt like your family was cursed?

(yes, that is rhetorical)

Didn't someone say I deserved a break? Cuz I wanna call in my favor now ...

I've been looking for a driver who is qualified
So if you think that you´re the one, step into my ride

The biggest news in my life these days?

The new medicine is making it hurt to wear a bra ...

So I'm Going Home, To the Place Where I Belong

I keep waiting for my official retard certificate to arrive in the mail.

Seriously...

... its coming ...

I somehow managed to trip over a ceiling fan this morning and bleed all over my bathroom floor. It was pure genius, I'm telling you. At fucking 6 am.

My first instinct looking at the wound was stitches. I later convinced myself that I had overreacted and a clean cut like that could heal itself with the help of a butterfly closure.

My first panic was getting blood on the carpet. My second was at keeping the swelling down so that my toe rings didn't have to be cut off. I have priorities here people.

I landed in urgent care after work because as much as I didn't want to admit it, I needed a tetanus shot. I was almost 2 yrs overdue as it was. Of course they wanted to look at the wound. And of course ... what had done such a great job of knitting back together came gaping open and bleeding everywhere in the hallway as I took the bandage off.

Fuck.

I am now the proud wearer of stitches. Just in time for a long weekend.

I'm telling you ... that card is on its way. It is in the mail.

Don't Act Like An Angel, You're Falling Again

I. Fucking. Hate. Hippies.

But I love free stuff, so sometimes I put up with them ... as long as their stuff doesn't smell like patchouli ... And I joined the lovely little yahoo group that Buckethead introduced me to, Freecycle. Exactly how it sounds ... you give your stuff away and other people take it. (Better known as other people give their stuff away and I take it)

There are only a couple catches to this nifty system:

1. They break it down regionally - which can severely fuck people like me that live on the border of two regions the hippy-gods arbitrarily decided would be good divisions (see rules 2&3 for an explanation of the fucking)

2. Crossposting in multiple areas is NOT ALLOWED! (Apparently it wastes gas and causes too much competition for items ... WTF???)

3. The moderators for the DC area take their jobs WAAAAAAY too seriously.

I ran into this problem when I first moved in and had nothing to offer anyone else but needed things like ... oh I don't know ... a lamp? I was chastised for posting a request without a prior offer. Bitches...

Current problem with this hippy moderator ... giving away a loveseat. This moderator continues to remove my post to give away a loveseat. She initially removed it and chastised me for crossposting in two areas ... and then immediately allowed posting of it again. (Huh?) Now she has removed my posts because I did not wait the appropriate period of time to post on the second list.

JESUS CHRIST WOMAN! IF I HAVE TO POST IT TWICE ON BOTH LISTS HOW MUCH INTEREST IN THIS DAMN LOVESEAT DO YOU THINK THERE IS?????

So I sent her one of my patent-pending notes about how her rule following was not only petty but in direct competition to her hippy loving goals of environmental safety ... this loveseat is off to the landfill ...

Hippy Bitch

There's No End To What You Get If You Give A Little
Take A Chance and Meet Me In The Middle
Of the Dance Floor

Since there has been so much ahem ... interest ... in this shoe:

I have added it to my amazon wish list and IF they end up on my doorstep, I promise to wear them during the next Milblog Conference lunch.

There ya have it ... Bluff. Called.

Flip or fold, folks

The Office is No Place For a Kink-Fest ... Unless My Salary Seriously Goes Up
Cuz I've Found The Perfect Shoe

Ok ... seriously ... WOW

Amazon has truly shocked me. I don't really know why, but in searching for shoes today on Amazon ... I was shocked.

And educated.

I had no idea there were so many different types of fetish shoes. Nor did I realize that searching for my size shoe would bring so many of them up.

I have huge feet. I know this. I'm ok with this ...

My long toes come in very handy - and when you least expect it ;-)
Clodhoppers serve to provide a more painful whoopin when someone has it coming. There ARE advantages...

... Except when it comes to shoe shopping. Open toed shoes are less of a problem, but closed toed shoes ... freakin' nightmare. This is why I not only looked like a moron and wore strappy black sandals to my grandmother's funeral in February, in Kansas, but have spent days with shoes full of blood and carry rolls of athletic tape in my work bag.

Seriously though Amazon ... Buying shoes on the internet is hard enough. Do I really have to search through all the freaky sex shoes to get to what I need? And do I really need to be reminded that there are people out there with the time and money to buy/need freaky sex shoes while I am looking for "sensible" business shoes?

Not fair.

And I do not want to know where the heel of this shoe has been...

Juicy Lucy Strikes Again

Scene: 1 dead lady, 1 tissue bucket, 6 teenagers assigned to expose muscle tissue and learn everything there is to know about each one - action, origin, insertion, nerve

By this point, we had spent several of our dissection days unpuddling the fluid that earned Lucy her name. She was fairly dry, kept moist instead by a mist sprayed on her at the end of every dissection day. Without her gallons of fluid to plump her up, she sagged and almost caved in places.

We had taken great care to peel her skin off in sheets, exposing blood vessels, muscle, connective tissue, tendons, ligaments, and fat. The fat was blocking a clear view of everything else we needed to see so it had to go. Carefully removed, tweeze by tweeze of our tiny little tools meant to keep every structure in tact.

Being that there were six of us and one tissue bucket to hold everything we removed from Lucy, we had to find somewhere else to dump our tweezers full of fat. Where better than a pile on her torso?

Note, her torso was also one of those caved in places that looked remarkably like a bowl at the end of the day ... a bowl full of little yellow globs of fat ...

Or if you're a teenager ...

A bowl full of jujubes!!

But they were renamed Ju-Lu-bes, of course (and I've never eaten them again!)

Even Though The Donald Might Sue Me For Stealing His Catchphrase ...

Over the last couple of days it dawned on me ... I get some kind of sick, twisted, deep down, pleasure-filled enjoyment out of firing doctors.

I'm not a huge fan of the profession to begin with but when I end up in a room with those that have an ego or attitude that clearly entered the room before they did (and hardly fitting through the door), they are on very thin ice. They'd better be damn good at their job for me to put up with that kind of crap.

And the ones that think they have pulled off humble well enough to fool me? Try again. I've got a bullshit meter like you wouldn't believe. Be genuine or find a new patient to pay for your malpractice insurance.

The ones that really irk me are the ones who think my medical care should be done on their schedule. I understand that there are a lot of patients and only so much time in a day. Tests take time, procedures can't always happen this instant, some insurance companies limit reimbursement for office visits, etc. But there is no reason under the sun that I should have to come into the office for a very simple test result that does not require a discussion of treatment options. And when you don't call my insurance company for days on end after promising to call the day I was in your office ... it is the last straw. You are now fired. You are not so special that my test results cannot be transfered to someone who actually feels like being responsive to patient needs.

While I'm at it ... when you are from country A, attended medical school in country B, and practice medicine here in the States with that kind of attitude ... I have every right to question your reputation, your credibility, and your medical record. If you don't like it, tough shit ... My ass in this chair means you are getting paid. I will gladly fill someone else's pockets that actually gives a shit about the person in the chair if you just can't be bothered.

(With rants like these, I may grow up to be just like Uncle Jimbo before I know it)

You See The Look Thats On My Face
You Might Think Im Out Of Place
Im Not Lost, No No, Just Undiscovered

Mom got into town on Friday and left on Tuesday ... driving me crazy as usual. It was actually a good visit but some major buttons kept getting pushed that I had a hard time not losing it over.

She and I have discussed the boundaries of our relationship and conversations but she doesn't seem to want to respect them. Yet, she can't stand hearing my dissenting opinion when she crosses those boundaries. How hard is it to understand the concept of "if you don't want to hear my opinion, don't ask for it?"

We did go visit Monticello and see Thomas Jefferson's house. I had been once before, 5 yrs ago but she had never seen it. I have to say, the tour guides and their scripts have gone seriously downhill. The guides hardly had a pulse and their scripts were so entirely PC that it was offensive. But I'll get into that in another post later...

Mom and I also spent many hours over two days at fabric stores over the weekend in preparation for breaking in my new sewing machine. I managed to make a giant blanket for my sofa (since my living room is always so damn cold) and get part of a new window treatment for the dining room done. The rest of the fabric for the living room treatments had to be ordered so I'll have to work on them down the line somewhere. I've got fabric ordered for half my bedroom project and a good idea of fabrics that I'd like to use for the drapes ... assuming they match my new bedding that I will order once my gift card shows up in the mail.

Apparently I'm becoming a regular domestic diva ... who'd have thought?

That Just Chaps My Hide!

I had to be out the door before sunsrise this morning - trust me, that was a ROUGH deal for me on this particular occasion. I have not needed to wake up and be functional at 5:15 in a LONG time. We're talking several years here people ...

Anyhow ... it flurried on my way in but I didn't feel too cold. I chalked it up to the new pants (which I looked cute in, btw)

Unfortunately, the combination of itchy dry skin, cold weather, moving around a lot, and not having washed the pants prior to wearing them literally chapped my ass.

So how was your day?

Look Ma! I Showed The Stalker Right Where I Live!

I was perusing Why I Hate DC (because, after all, there is a piece of me that will always and forever remain bitter that DC is in fact not my precious San Diego) and discovered the Washington Area Metro Transit Store.

Not a store where you buy farecards or something reasonably useful ... no, Metro merchandise. Crappy, retarded ass, tourist trap merchandise.

You have GOT to be kidding me with this. Seriously? Notecards with a picture of a bus or a train on the front? Ladies, they've got jewelry! And gentlemen, you too can own a pair of cuff links for just $92.00! And a flippin' wish list? Gift certificates ... ?

If tourons are really that willing to part with their money and advertise to their friends and family back home that they proudly rode our metro (ugh, I just wrote our metro ... ) I guess they deserve to be an extra $20 lighter.

But wait ... I can pick ANY metro stop I want (even the one I have to take home every night) and personalize a shirt, a coffee mug, or mouse pad with it!! Anyone stupid enough to wear a shirt with their metro stop written across it deserves to be stalked straight from where they stand, directly to their front door.

The stupidity of metro never ceases to amaze me

Someday I'll Get The Truth, Until Then I'm On My Own

Why is it that Google is telling me the current weather is "light rain" when it has been a downpour off and on all afternoon, I've heard thunder, seen lightening, and the national weather service is telling me about flood and tornado warnings?

I think someone is trying to piss on my shoe and tell me its raining

Cleaning the Cleaner

Does anyone else find it ironic that I had to spend part of the afternoon cleaning an appliance meant to clean other things?

Check out the disgusting blue goo in my washing machine

Apparently the people that lived here before me were unfamiliar with the concept of an automatic fabric softener dispenser ... or the manual for the machine ...

Just disgusting

Did We Close And Someone Forgot To Tell Me?

Halloween in the new house was a huge turn out

Not one mob...

Not two groups...

Not three sets...

or even four families...

Big fat ZEE-ROW. Not a single kid to eat these four bags of candy that I really don't need to have added to my hips this month.

So, how many trick-or-treaters did you get?

Project Runway: Season Three

I will admit, I did not watch seasons one or two so my ability to judge this show is based only on the past how-ever-many weeks. But I have to just say ...

Project Runway SUCKS!

I grew addicted to it once my aunt got me watching it, but now ...

Complete and total suckitude

(If you TiVo'd the finale last night and haven't seen it yet - stop reading)

Jefferey won?

Are you effing kidding me?

JEFFEREY?!?

There is no way in hell any woman worth any amount of money would wear the clothes he sent down the runway. They were monsterously disgusting ... even by runway standards!

And the models he picked to show for him? Could, um, any of them actually walk?

I really wanted to see Uli or Michael take this one home (but only since my boy Kane was already gone ... I mean, hello? Did you see that Miss USA dress he did? Or the couture gown? And he's got some balls to go with his talent)

I'm very disappointed in the judging ... and if the other seasons were anything like this, I'm glad I didn't see any of them. Shame on you, Heidi Klum.

You'll Wish You Never Ever Met Her At All

I cannot explain what happened ... all I know is, I have no interest in any part of the island of Jamaica right now. A single night at a local restaurant and I may never eat Caribbean food again.

...It had to have been the shrimp...

Not 10 minutes outside the restaurant and I knew ... the rest of the night would be a struggle to keep from seeing dinner again.

So far, I am winning the battle ... by a hair ...

ugh

County Scholars

I got a jury questionnaire last week. UGH.

I filled it out today, signed it, folded it back up, filled in my return address on the envelope, put the questionnaire inside ... and it doesn't fit.

The morons down at the county pre-folded my questionnaire so that it is too tall to fit in the envelope.

Get with the program here people!!

Who Snuck the Pr0n In??

I got an email not too long ago from a local blogger letting me know that one of my "Good Reads" had directed him to a she-male pr0n site. When I linked it, it was a housewife telling of her tales with cooking and legos. My how times change when you're not paying attention.

Today, I click another of the links and found myself looking at a girl in many (some bizzare) nude poses. Another of my links changed while I wasn't looking.

I think its time to clean up the blogroll a little ....

Toe-Blogging

I think it is the not working that has me in such a funk. Too much time, not enough order. Sure, there are chores to be done, projects to be completed ... but there are no deadlines, no structure, no pressing need.

It has left me in need of a pedicure.

Who wouldn't feel better with cute toes like these?

Now to find a shop that can replicate my floral San Diego cuteness...

Update: My sock-less cohort in up to a little monkey business of her own

I Dig The Attitude & How You Actin' Like You Own The Bar

Oh I’m sorry, my name is Travey and I’m pretty much a big deal
Oh, you never heard of me?
Hmm, that sounds absurd to me.

Or NOT.

Honestly, this pompous crap dudes pull could not be more of a turn off. Oh and by the way, it doesn't pass for confidence either.

I don't care what kind of cell phone you have, who's on the other end, where your business card says you work, who your last girlfriend was, what kind of car you drive, or who made your clothes ... okay?

If your entire identity can be summed up in a series of commercial labels, do yourself a favor and keep walking ... cuz I ain't havin one more minute of it.

Camping With The Girls

I think I'm going to need to borrow ArmyWife's red tent for a few days. Normally, I'd say the tent is overkill for me, but this time, it might not be a bad precaution.

Last night, I was moody ... not bitchy or irritable ... Just plain moody. I have a lot on my mind and all of it just weighed with a terrible sadness.

I've been doing my best to keep it within the confines of my own personal space, but I think I've failed on a few occasions.

So perhaps today I will take with me to the confines of the tent a very comfy blanket, some pillows, and curl up in the corner with a movie sure to make me cry. Maybe I can flush out some of these demons out with a bought of overly dramatic tears brought on by just the right cinematic forumla of cheese, bullshit, and unlikely romance.

Maybe this is why I never go camping ...

That Magic Wand

At the risk of furthering the highly erroneous idea that I am a neat freak ... I feel the need to confess my sins of the day.

... I crevice tooled nearly my entire house ...

I pulled out all the vacuum attachments, made myself a magic wand of suction (wow, someone could go bad places with that one), snapped on the crevice tool, and away I went.

Room corners? Done
Baseboards? Done
Edges of the carpet? Done
Crown moldings? Done
Fireplace encasement? Done
Air vents? Done
Door frames? Done
Sliding glass door track? Done
Under the stove? Done
Under the fridge? Done

And then, yes ... there's more
... I dusted/cleaned every neglected thing in the house ...

All the usual stuff? Done (duh)
Chair rail? Done
Stupid inset wall panels? Done
Evil decorative wood going up the stairs? Done
Banisters? Done (btw, these were the nastiest part of the whole day ... hand grime like you wouldn't believe!)

If my room weren’t still so cluttered up, I'd think I'm turning a little OCD. I'm telling you, today was a scary day ...

That OTHER $1500 ...

I finally got a picture of my dad's OTHER $1500 mistake ...

Meet Ringo:

(click to enlarge)

I suppose he's kinda cute ...

Thanks Girls

In a random pick me up tonight ...

I popped a button open on my shirt with my boobs (by accident, of course!)

Thanks, Girls! That was a nice physique-related ego boost.

Yo Toeny!

Yo Toeny!

Why don't you take a little walk ...

I thought I made it clear the last time ... I don't wanna see any of you or your crew around here again.

And you tell your goon Phoot-fungus I'm on to his laundering scheme too.

Capice?

Those Tightey Whiteys

Just how is it that every time my dad comes to town, I end up doing his laundry? And not just laundry, but his underwear!?

I swear its like he only has the three pair that came in the pack together from Kmart ...

Quick Karmic Circle

I had some somewhat good news fall into my lap today ...

That $1500 I dropped to bail that guy out of jail (A YEAR AGO) is finally headed back to me.

After at least 8 months of radio silence, he called me out of the blue and told me that everything was taken care of. Naturally, I was skeptical. I checked the case file online and it said essentially the same thing. All I could think was, "well, I'll be damned ... I never thought I'd see the day ... "

I am trying to figure out the karmic circle of it all though ...

Not 20 minutes before he called, my doorbell rang ... my doorbell NEVER rings. On the other side was a semi-handsome young gentleman selling coupon books ... in the rain. Generally I'm not interested - but then he mentioned the wheelchair basketball team and I didn't have the heart to shut the door. I flipped through the book and made my purchase donation.

Was that my karmic good deed that brought me circle enough to deserve this good news? Maybe. Maybe not. But karma sure did get the bail jumper's ass though ... he's got the worst case of shingles his local hospital has ever seen.

I love karma.

But Inhumanity is SO Yummy!

Whole Foods Markets Inc has decided to "stop selling live lobsters and crabs on the grounds that it's inhumane."

Animal rights activities were thrilled with the decision, not just because of the way lobsters are harvested, shipped and stored but because of the fate that awaits many of them — being dropped alive into a pot of boiling water.

Have we really carried things this far? Are animal rights activists going to eventually win against cattle farmers too? Because you know, they are killed while they're still alive and all ...

And what about this evidence:

...lobsters can shed a claw that's stuck between two rocks and move on like nothing happened, said Diane Cowan, a marine biologist who studies lobster behavior in Maine

Curlers

I conducted a bit of an experiment on my hair last night ... Curlers ...

They were an enormous bitch to put in and almost as awful to get out.

The result? A long list of lessons learned:

- I hate sleeping with shit on my head
- my hair takes over 12 hrs to dry when wrapped up
- curlers mean extra body ... in the form of frizz
- poofy does not equal pretty
- always practice a hairstyle before you really need one to work

I look like a mangy, disheveled lion today. You know what mean ... that old scrawny looking one they show on Discovery channel that used to get all the ass in the pride but now just lays around waiting for patches of his mane to fall out as the lionesses ignore him.

Thank god for hats and bandanas!

Your Friendly Blog-o-sphere Car Salesman...

... SWG ...

Yep, Eric of SWG should become the 'sphere car salesman. How do I know? Listen to the dream I woke from this morning.

Setting: Large-scale blogmeet of some kind, as best as I can figure

Everyone is having a good time, chit-chatting, laughing (lots of laughing), having some munchies and a few drinks. Most everyone knows each other in some capacity, but there's this one guy ....

He's a big guy. Very tall, large bone structure, and of formidable weight. No one seems to know who he is or where he came from. People try to include him in conversation and be polite, but he is a master of concealing any meaningful information that may reveal his identity or connection to the gathering. He looks no one in the face as he talks and focuses his attention in a general downward direction. There remains a purposeful air of mystery around him and confusion in his wake.

::: Enter Eric :::

From somewhere in the house Eric stumbles upon the scene, determined to bring some comedy to the scene. The next thing you know, the big guy is fairly drunk. Yet, he is still far more interested in keeping his head down, curt conversation, and the snack table than much blogger-style socialization. So Eric presses the envelope a little more.

Eric starts chatting up the big guy about anything he has expressed an interest in or a desire for. Given his attention on the snack plate, many food items were discussed. Suddenly, Eric starts offering to sell him things.

"5 bucks for a bag of those cashews to take home with you, Buddy"
"How about some of those olives for later? Just a couple dollars"

And the offers expanded...

"Seems you really like the style of this table. It’s yours if you've got about 45 greenbacks you want to part with"
"The ring? Yeah, it's a nice ring. I tell you what, I'll let it go for a C note if you really want it that bad. You're a good guy."

We all stood around in amazement. This guy was taking every offer Eric threw his way. Big dude's wallet was hemorrhaging. At some point it became a sport that we all started betting on.

The big money was on how much trouble Eric was going to be in with Mrs. SWG though. She walked out and we all got dead silent. Eric took his new customer to investigate more potential sales. All that could be heard behind them was nervous laughter and shuffling, uneasy feet.

We reluctantly clued Mrs. SWG in that her husband was auctioning off their belongings to a stranger. She paused for a minute and her face tightened. Until she got curious, "How much is he selling us down the river for?"

We relayed the prices on things and she burst into a fit of laughter. Seems Eric was taking the big guy for the ride of his life. All the prices were at least 75% above the item's real value, if not twice that.

So personally, I think Eric would be perfect for 'sphere car salesman. Just don't buy a car from him now that you know why he got the job. But the ellipses would really put newbies at ease ...

Carlos Mencia Totally Stole My Shirt!!!

I saw him wearing on the re-run Comedy Central ran tonight ... Fucker!

That's my favorite shirt too!!

Prayer

On my way to work this morning, walking down the street, I suddenly found myself in the midst of prayer ...

I am not a church go-er, I am not a pray-er, I am not a religious being to say the least. Faith and belief in a higher power are not close to the surface of my brain or emotional function. Most people think I'll burst into flame if I set foot in a church. But in any case, whatever relationship I have with the powers that be is silent, unconcious, and rarely nurtured.

Yet, there I was, mid-prayer, before I heard my head filling with the voice of a woman humbled by her own powerlessness ... asking for strength to stay the course, the courage to leap into the unknown, and a glimpse of understanding for that which causes the most pain.

Seems as though my soul just needed to pray

Sweet Valentine

Valentines to come,
Valentines to pass,
Just take a moment,
and please kiss my ass...

I Still Don't Get It...

Maybe this is just my weekend to bitch, but...

How is is possible that the very same world that created wonderful, caring, and selfless people like Blackfive, Andi, ArmyWife, etc can also create people without any real grasp on the concept of compassion?

You know the people I'm talking about ... the people that aren't necessarily mean on purpose, they are just so inwardly focused that they kind of suck to talk to. The people that are appalled and offended that you would dare accuse them of being empathetically impaired ... Yeah, you know the ones I mean - the ones that can only see their own feelings and blame the you for why they can't see yours.

Someone just tell me how it is all possible. Because I still don't get it...

I Just Don't Get It...

Why is it so easy for some people to treat others poorly?

Friday was just not a good day at work. I finally reached a boiling point after a long series of run-ins with the USN CAPT that I work with and ended up closing the door to my office so I could sit and cry the stress out.

It was an early morning - one, because of our conference but two, because our first presenter, the CAPT, wasn't done making his powerpoint by the time I left work on Thursday. I had to show up early to run through it with him because I am the techie intern ... Naturally, he wasn't ready when I showed up and thus the timeline for getting our attendees into the conference was delayed and I had to run around like a chicken with my head cut off to get everything coordinated.

The conference timeline was completely jacked. First, because of our delay in getting the attendees into the building, second because the CAPT (and POC for the conference as a whole) gave a terrible and lengthy "brief" that pushed the entire timeline back. And of course, it was on a day that I needed to be across town for lunch... More running...

When I finally was able to read my email and listen to voicemail at 2pm, there were important tasks for me to handle ... and I jumped right in. But someone else had other plans...

In the middle of a phone call, discussing one of our important databases and the needs of another agency for using it CAPT barged into my office. I assumed he'd leave once he realized I was on the phone, for business purposes ... but he didn't. So I asked the person if they could hold on.

CAPT had me put the other agency on hold while he asked if I could do his photocopying. And not just photocopying ... photocopying of select pages of a large document ... and NOW. I explained that I was in the middle of important business and he explained he needed the copying done yesterday and the other intern was gone for the weekend already. I was to do what he needed NOW.

In my head: If it's so damn important, why didn't you ask me yesterday...?

I ended up having to call the other agency back so that he could get his copies. And then ... when I finished (within his 20 minute deadline), he wasn't in his office. AND, he left the office without ever saying a word to me.

Now can anyone explain to me why it is necessary to treat another person that way? There is no reason you need to be rude to people in a situation like that. There is no excuse for being so condescending.

I just don't get it...

Twice A Wake Up

I've always been one that is really hot at night...

No no, you dirty boys, my body temperature rises while I'm sleeping. I usually keep my room a little cooler than I could tolerate fully clothed & awake, just because I'll overheat and can't sleep if I don't. More than once I've had a boyfriend ask me if I was feeling ok in the morning because he thought I had a fever the night before.

So that being said...

What the crap is this whole night sweats thing I've got going on lately? I'm 25 freakin years old! I wake up a couple of hours before my alarm is supposed to go off and I'm covered in sweat ... head to toe. I don't feel overly warm and I am able to go back to sleep reasonably quickly, I'm just all wet ...

But this waking up twice thing has really got to stop

Oh Sure...

...the one time I clean and actually take out the trash in a timely manner ...

I have a sinking feeling that I accidentally threw away a couple of pairs of earrings in a box I got for Christmas.

Dammit.

Buy Angelina's Lips

So, not only is the cosmetics industry making creams and scrubs meant to shrink just about damn near any part of your body ... they are also making lip gloss that is purposely designed to give you a plump, juicy mouth fat lip. You can find it here in 6 different rediculously expensive shades!

Assuming this stuff works they way they say it does, I'd look like Angelina Jolie after she got her face stuck to the vaccuum cleaner. Hell, I don't know if I could even talk if my lips puffed up like they claim they should. Alas, I'm not going to spend $38 to find out. The right mix of genes and a childhood of pouting was all I needed to be cursed with these wonderful babies.

But you know, Ladies, it's a lot cheaper and you'll get the same effect if you just let me punch you ... or I could kick you in the face for a little change of pace. I know I'd feel better if we did things that way - you know, sticking it to the man or something... And, here's the special bonus week gift to you, if you're an annoyingly stupid chick, I'll even do it for free.

Are You Off Too?

I didn't wake up until 1:30 this afternoon, but I feel like I didn't sleep a wink. I don't feel sick either.

This is a weird, weird day...

And I think I should finally put some clothes on. It's cold in here...

Feisty and Fun

Sometimes things are just not what you think... Just take the following description, for example. What if it were to be vaguely considered a personal ad?

5'6, top heavy SWF
Former cheerleader, go-go dancer, and cocktail waitress
Dyed hair
Pierced
Multiple tattoos

She sounds sort of interesting, doesn't she? Probably fun, maybe a little wild? Perhaps has a freaky streak somewhere that might make it worth the date to find out for sure...? After all, it is Friday night and all... But wait, there's more!

Surprise! That's a description of none other than MY MOM!

Damn near every woman over the age of 25 has their hair dyed, no surprise there.

Only her ears are pierced, and only once at that.

The multiple tattoos...? Not really what you're thinking here.... She has small, pinpoint tattoos they gave her during her radiation treatment and she had permanent eyeliner tattooed on her eyes. Nothing so wild and crazy about that, now is there?

But she really was a cheerleader, go-go dancer, and bar maid in her younger days.

Guess you've got to be careful what you think when you're reading these blogs, now don't you?

On the Move

Just wanted to check in with you guys... make sure the house is still standing and all...

I finally had lunch at the KC BBQ place where they filmed the sleazy bar scene in Top Gun. It was a cheesy tourist trip, I'm glad I took the time to stop by.

Unfortunately I was only able to stick around for 20 mins or so...I spent the rest of the day on a train from San Diego to LA. I'll be spending the next week or so avoiding interrogation enjoying some quality family time around here.

Now...who wants to tell me why the outgoing message on my answering machine has been changed to what sounds like a bad drag queen impression...?

Dispossessed

Well, that was awkward. There I was coming out of big sis' bathroom and Army Wife was sitting in the chair. I had no idea she was coming over. And she took the key out of the door where I specifically left it.

First off, before you start believing anything she says, I was just trying out some techniques for moulaging wounds the next time I have to do one of those emergency medicine workshops. Cat was out of blush so I was using some of the other eye-shadows. The lipstick was so red I wanted to see if I could make it look like my lips were cut. I swear. That's all it was.

Working around the house today I looked at the thermometer. 48 outside, then I noticed, 56 inside. Hmm. Guess I'm used to the cold now and I guess Bou won't be visiting me any time soon.

But tonight the chilled air came back with a vengeance. And tonight I light my first roaring fire of the season after a day of squirrel scouts back at my place. I'm sure Cat's out there on the beach enjoying autumn breezes and ocean air.

Outsourced Pizza???

I just called to order a pizza from a place with a centralized order center... I swear to Jebus that the center was in India! What is this world coming to? I can't even order a pizza in english anymore...

You're 5'9, Right? Good...

I was watching a really funny ... but strange ... movie tonight about a completely dysfunctional family that gets together for a funeral. One of the characters said the following line about her sister's lesbian wedding:

"It just won't work. Everyone knows that the only gay relationships that last are between people of the same height..."

Errr.... Whiskey . Tango . Foxtrot ?!? Over...

How the hell did that even make sense in her head? Like the similar height somehow better fascilitates lesbian hanky panky than it would between a pair of hot and sweaty straight people?

I just don't know...

And I don't about you, but the mental images from playing these scenarios out in my head has left me a tad hot and a smidge frustrated.

It's been a strange day...

National Nut Day

Today is National Nut Day.

I'm not sure if that means thank an almond ... the crazy lady talking to herself at the bus stop down the street... or the pair some of you are probably scratching...

Take your pick and celebrate the nut of your choice!

Equal Right To Pee

Yeah, you read the title correctly... I want an equal right to pee...

I went to lunch today with one of the other interns and while I was waiting for my sandwich, he looked for a bathroom. The shopkeeper noticed and told him it was down the hall. So the dude left and came back with no problem.

I decided using the bathroom was probably a good idea. So when he got back I went down the hall myself. The door was locked, so I waited. I didn't hear any noise. Then I decided that if someone really was in there all that time, I didn't want anything to do with the bathroom after them... So I walked back down the hall.

On my walk back to the food the other intern told me that the shopkeeper told him women need a key to use the restroom. The shopkeeper angrily gave me the key and glared at me for needing to pee... WTF?

I just bought food from the dude and he's going to be a dick about me needing to pee? When I got back he flat out said, men ok...women no - use a key.

Maybe I should just be happy I got the right to vote but you know, I think I deserve to pee just as much as a man does. I was so bitter over the deal I'm damn near ready to boycott the place all together.

Bushed

I had a lot of things I wanted to write about today but they are just going to have to wait...

a full day of work
paper writing in the library
the class from hell (in which I almost started a riot tonight)

I had planned on taking a bubble bath but after getting home at 10pm and prepping my clothes ready for tomorrow, I'm just too damn tired to do anything. And for some reason, my stomach is killing me. No more fun for me tonight.

More on the makings of the riot later...

Well Fuck Me Sideways...

I cook - the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach, right?

I clean - mustn’t let a suitor see the sty til he's signed the dotted line...

I even entertain - happy friends & family a more pleasant toy makes...

I scamper upstairs and...he wants to check his e-mail?!?

Needless to say, he was escorted to the door, my bed remains empty, and I am unfortunately, rather bitter. Not to mention wholly unsatisfied...

Hi, I'm An Addict

I was inspired by this post over at The Cheese Stands Alone and feel it is ok now... no, I feel I have an obligation now to admit one of my deep, dark, horrible secrets...

Hi, I'm Princess Cat and I am a reality TV addict.

Not the Survivor kind or the Fear Factor kind... the Real World, The Apprentice, the Punk'd, and the Hell's Kitchen kind...

And my newest addiction is A&E's Inked.

It is a reality series that follows the shenanigans of a high end, Las Vegas based tattoo shop (started by Hart of motocross fame) and its employees that just keeps me fucking entertained. The smile does not leave my face for a full 30 minutes (minus commercials cuz those blow) Why? Soothes the inner goof, I suppose...

Give it a try - Wed, 9p EST/PST or hit me up and I'll email you an episode.

Yes, I said I could e-mail an episode. I don't get home from class in time to watch it so I have my computer record it for me. I already told you I was an addict... what more do you want?

Botox: The Anti-Drool

McGill University Health Centre in Canada is using Botox to treat excessive drooling in young children. I don't have children myself but I'm really not so comfortable with this...

I understand that some of these children are literally drowning in their own saliva but Botox? Aren't there some pretty significant risks to Botox users?

Check out the story and decide for yourself. Maybe I'm just one of those curmudgeons all averse to change and stuff...

Missed the Shuttle

Dear NASA,

I know this letter is a little unexpected but I just had to tell you how hurt I am by your continued insensitivity. You never even talk to me anymore. You never ask me how I feel. You just live your life like I don't matter. Well it's time that you realize your decisions and your actions have consequences for those around you.

The launch and return of the Discovery shuttle were historic moments and I missed them because of your insensitivity. Did it even occur to you to ask me about my schedule? If you really loved me you would have. At what point did you stop caring if I could be there to share in your projects? Your behavior makes it very clear where I sit in your life. I remember a time when I was a priority for you and all the promises about how I would always me important - what happened to us?

Thousands of people will always have memories with you that I can never have. I can't even begin to express how terrible that fact makes me feel. Maybe I should just admit that they mean more to you and move on. Have I been lying to myself all this time? I guess you just aren't the government agency that I thought you were.

If you need me I'll be over at State trying to calm down.

<3 Princess

Early Morning Work

I was up bright and early this morning...so of course I was grumpier than usual...and faced with the task of tidying up my house...which brightened my mood right up. Huh? Yeah, I wouldn't by that line either. Cleaning, the downstairs at least, had to be done but I wasn't happy about it. Why, you ask? Well, I don't like morning..I don't like to clean... Oh, you mean why did it have to be done this morning? Because today's interview (which went really well, I think, btw) was conducted in my home.

So now the dishes are done & put away, the kitchen cleaned & clutter gone, the boxes all put away, my personal junk in my room, the junk mail trashed & kitchen table cleared, my living room looks mighty nice...and I'm free to do whatever I damn well please for the rest of the day...

Who knew cleaning chemicals actually worked before noon...

Wrong Numbers

My last three missed calls on my cell phone are from numbers I don't know. One from a CA number, one from a PA number, and one from a VA number near where I live. None of them left voicemails.

Oh man does that piss me off...

Wrong numbers? Who knows...

UPDATE: Maybe I should answer my phone more often. The VA number called back ... it was for an important interview this Friday.

Men's Health

In a search for inspiration, otherwise known as a bout of boredom, I picked up the August copy of Men's Healthy magazine off the end table and began reading. Ok...so I was really just looking at the pictures of chiseled men in skimpy clothing...but that's not what this post is about...

In an inset box on page 154 titled "Stop It. Right Now" it lists Blogging at #15. What the hell? Who is this guy to tell me I should stop blogging? According to his 16 point piece, blogging is one of those things that is a waste of time. In fact he says, "Simple: eliminate these activities and streamline your world." Uh...dude...I like my world to include blogging. I don't particularly need to streamline my life so much that I have created a time saving schedule for every exact moment of my day. I'll save time on my errands and bill paying...maybe even my exercise routines...but leave the rest of my life alone, ok?

Clearly this guy just doesn't get blogging...

Plastic Children

Flipping through the multitude of TV channels I stumbled onto a plastic surgery show. Awesome... Except I missed all the good parts. No blood, no guts, nothing even close to disgusting... except for the people getting the surgery... They were kids.

I understood why one of the girls got surgery, she had severe facial deformaties that impeded her daily life. The youngest girl was still somewhat understandable, she had her ears pinned back because they were so prominant. But the other two girls, both in high school...they just made me sad. One had a breast reduction, the other had an enlargement. Not even 18 yet, not even done growing up, and already taking a knife to their bodies.

It reminded me of my days in high school where girls got boob jobs and Daddy's Bimmer for their sweet 16. Never being taught that they can love their bodies or that life doesn't operate at their pace. They escape the reality that they have to work for things that they want and the idea that not getting everything you want is ok sometimes. I couldn't look at these girls without feeling a little sick to my stomach.

But maybe I'm just being pushy with my sense of right and wrong...

My Birthday

Thanks Mom for calling twice & the few readers that knew who sent me messages. These were the few high points of my day...

I know, I'm an adult...it's not really a big deal anymore...but I'm not ready to give up the idea that for just one day I deserve to have it easy. Forces in my life saw different. When I should be out having a nice dinner or perhaps just a few drinks with my friends, I'm sitting here blogging...and I shouldn't even be doing that considering the massive thunderstorm outside right now. Oh, and I'm also sitting here smelling like carpet cleaner with the knees of my jeans wet and nothing else to change into...my kind o' fun!

Nothing has gone right today...the day got started late...no breakfast...much longer walk with the dog than was intended (that was muggy as donkey balls in July)...lack of clothing options since I didn't pack an extra set...giant pool of water in the basement where the air conditioner is attempting to piss on all the other appliances...attempt at medicating and crate training the 4 y/o, codependent dog with massive separation anxiety...sitting in an office for someone else's insurance...tense lunch...shopping for things for someone else's house while they mope and refuse to participate...listening to some brat squeak a dog toy every 5 seconds so loud that the entire store could hear it...trying to buy dog treats while listening to two dogs bark at each other...and the awesome kicker? Coming home to a dog that has chewed up the plastic pan in the bottom of his crate, bent part of the door, and cut up both paws and face. I spent the next 45 minutes cleaning blood out of the carpet while the dog got a bath. An entire can of stain remover, 1 cup of water, and 5 towels later...I have lost my patience.

No nice dinner because the dog couldn't be left alone? Fine. No clean clothes to change into because plans changed and I couldn't do anything about it after the fact? Fine. No entertainment because I've watched every movie in the house and there's no cable? Fine. No food in the house because there's been no time for groceries? Fine. The last 4 beers are mine and I don't give a shit what you think about it.

No presents. Keep your damn card even. No more birthday. Getting older just sucks anyway...

I quit.

Exploding Toads?

I always knew that Germany was weird (their unique porn industry and all) but exploding toads? This is just down right bizarre...

"The toads at a pond in the upscale neighborhood of Altona have been blowing up since the beginning of the month, filling up like balloons until their stomachs suddenly burst."

Well that's gotta screw up your property value...dead toad goo all over...

Go read the rest

Psycho Roommate

Its wonderful weather out and our condo is unbelievably stuffy. So, every morning I get up and go down to the kitchen. Before putting the water on for my tea I open the blinds in the kitchen to let in the sun light. I would open the windows too but I don't think they have ever been opened in the entire 9 years this place has been standing. Someone keeps promising to open them for me ... but I think the hot pockets were more interesting. Or maybe it was the comfy bed... Anyhow, they don't open at the moment. While I'm waiting for the water to heat up I go into the living room, open the venetian blinds, and slide open the glass door to our back patio. All day long there is fresh air blowing and sun light streaming through the windows. It makes working at home suck a little less.

*clock strikes 4p* This means the roommate has come home from work. Eesh.

The first thing he does after religiously taking off his shoes is march his scrawny little ass over to the patio door and slam it shut. EVERY SINGLE TIME! Ok, psycho! It’s like a little ritual. He doesn't say a word to me about why he does it and he doesn't say a word about not wanting it open. What the crap is that about?

I've decided he's a psycho and that's all there is to it. Psycho.

UPDATE:
The psycho finally decided to say something. As I was running (literally) out the door for class (and unable to find my keys) he whipped open the door to his room and attempted to start a 'casual conversation' as I was half way down the stairs. I felt like a teenager trying to sneak out past curfew. "How's it goin?" he says. "Good, you?" I respond as I stand there trying to look as hurried as possible. "Off to class" "Yep" "Well, on a side note..." Oh great...here it comes... He proceeds to tell me that he would prefer that the door not be open if no one is downstairs. WTF? Psycho! No, make that PARANOID psycho! We live in an extremely peaceful neighborhood with lots of families and nothing bad ever happens. Yet he insists that everything must be locked down. Grrr! I pushed him on how concerned he really is about it and he brought up the screen door not having a lock. Its a screen door! WTF would a lock do? Its the middle of the day and I'm home. I'm pretty sure I would hear someone stealing your TV. I didn't have time to argue. I finally gave up, said "ok" and left. This kid needs help.

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