A Swift Kick & A Band-Aid

I Don't Wanna Be The One To Say Goodbye
But I Will, I Will, I Will...

Some people hold a special place in your life long after you think they will. And some people take that place for granted. Others are willing to piss it away for something that is so much less.

So I guess the best thing to do is just set those people free.

You know who you are.

I'll Watch the Night Turn Light Blue, But Its Not The Same Without You

So, its no secret around here that I have horrific relations with my immediate family. With the holidays coming quickly, the anxiety of perhaps having to see them is building by the day.

Even as a fully grown adult, I feel like I am reliving my teenage years every time I am around them. I can't quite figure out if it is because we are stuck in the same dynamic where I want something completely different than they do or if it is because the issues of those years are still so unresolved. Probably a little bit of both. Probably not all that unique either ... raise your hand if your family isn't dysfunctional ...

So what do you do about it? And how do to stop it from continuing to fuck up your life?

I have had an itch to write each one of them a letter explaining my side of the relationship and why I have chosen to withdraw so far. But I keep asking what good could possibly come of it? On the other hand, isn't is okay if nothing good comes of it? We are in a pretty bad place as it is, maybe the words in black and white without a personal confrontation will give them an opportunity to see something that they haven't before? You can't expect people to understand you if you don't give them the opportunity to, right?

It would be delusional to think that anything I wrote to my dad would lead to a divorce from his wife (even though he never should have married her) or to my mom would change her emotional manipulation or to my brother would yield anything other than defensiveness and accusations, so maybe writing letter would be for my own peace than any real hope that things could change.

Part of me feels guilty for even wanting to make things better. The thread of a relationship I have with each of my parents is purely selfish. Partly financial, partly so that there will always be someone that answers the phone. It is superficial and I can't remember the last time I felt genuine deep-seated emotion for either of them that wasn't negative.

Part of me wants to completely close the door and move on, but I am afraid I will lose pieces of my family that I actually do like. I can't stand the idea of admitting defeat and letting them talk about me like they do my aunt ... the one that walked away and started her own family and didn't really look back.

Maybe I just have too much time on my hands to dwell on what will never be since the family I chose will be gone for so many more days still...

...I'll doze off safe and soundly, but I'll miss your arms around me....

Redefining trust is something that's left up to us.
What you're getting in return is losing what you've earned

I really wish I had taken everyone's advice ... having a wedding is one of the dumbest things I have ever decided to do. I think it has caused more drama, strife, stress, and separation in our lives than any other single event. And it really shows you who your friends are (no, AWTM, I don't mean you).

We debated between two different dates and ultimately chose the one we did in order to accommodate a friend living overseas. He wouldn't be back in time if we chose the other date. That guy told us last month he won't be coming because he promised his girlfriend he'd be somewhere. LAME!

One friend's husband isn't coming because they are tired of traveling and they are working on their house. Not a matter of being able to afford it, they just don't want to. LAME!

My mom has taken a steaming shit on every aspect of my wedding and then calls crying about how we aren't close.

His mom isn't coming because she's a stupid, stubborn woman. I'm not even dealing with her.

How is it that people can give you the whole song and dance about how happy they are for you and how great getting married is and then just punk out?

I'm just glad to finally know who those friends really are and where we really stand. PEACE

My Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the Yard

I swear to God ... no one should get married ... ever ...

rather, no one should ever have a wedding ...

My biggest fear for the big day??? wait for it ...

... my mom ...

and her boobs

Yes, I am terrified of my mom and her boobs ...

Since she had them reduced and lifted, she seems to think there isn't all that much there to show off (trust me, THERE IS!) Combine that with her previous "I feel good about myself" clothing purchases ... its enough to keep me up at night.

She at least did me the courtesy of asking what I wanted her to wear, but she has balked at my response and threatened to wear whatever she feels like. (She didn't really think it was cool when I said that I reserved the right to keep her out of the photos then...but hey, she's not paying for them and it isn't her wedding...)

Seriously, if you didn't like your mom before you decided to have a wedding, you're REALLY not going to like her afterward.

We should have eloped ...

I don't know who you think I am
But right now I don't really don't give a damn

If there's one thing I wish I could snap my fingers and have over with, it would be wedding planning. I know that sounds terrible, but I'm beginning to wonder if the price I'm paying for a true wedding is worth it. Family drama ... family drama ... family drama. And the holiday season just complicates things - it makes shopping with friends so much harder.

It is exciting to plan, but it is tedious. I can only look at so much ugly in one sitting. Seriously ... who buys this shit? From dresses to invitations, there is a lot of ugly. And expensive ugly too! But I guess you have to kiss a lot of frogs, right?

I did order a dress on Friday. I hadn't slept well in two weeks trying to figure out what I wanted. My stress headache was so bad by Friday afternoon all I wanted to do was eat some chocolate, have a good cry, and go to sleep. After buying the dress and having a little lavender aromatherapy, all was well again.

Being put in the middle between my parents' difference of opinion on money for the first time in several years is something I could really do without. My mom told me tonight that she thought I was irresponsible for letting my dad decide the budget for my wedding (obviously it is much higher than she thinks is appropriate). Apparently discussing line items with the financier as they arise instead of setting a strict number is irresponsible. Is it my fault that my dad said that is how he wants to handle it? And since when do I just spend money without regard for the value of the purchase or the appropriateness of the price tag?

Eloping is really sounding like a good idea...

I Wish You'd Unclench Your Fists
And Unpack Your Suitcase

I found a remarkable level of peace this week. Of course, in the true style that is my life, it was the by-product of an argument. Ah, my old friend drama ...

I blocked my brother from chatting with me.

He ambushed me with a question about why my mom was calling him. When I gave him my estimated answer and some FYI that went along with it, his defensiveness kicked in. It turned into the never ending drama that goes along with someone carrying the baggage of a full blown inferiority complex. I immediately became the bad guy in his mind. I did my best to be patient but when he called me by another family member's name as an attack/insult, I had enough of trying to rationalize with the irrational. I said good bye and I blocked him.

I feel like I've closed a chapter. I feel done.

I will have to see him at Christmas time and I'm sure I'll get coaxed into going to his inevitable wedding, but now it all feels so much less assuming and doomed. I no longer have the expectation that the relationship can be repaired. Its less of an "I don't care" and more of "I have better things to put my emotion toward."

No more wishing.
No more hoping.
No more expecting.

Just breathing the fresh air that I've found

If I Ruled The World
Imagine That...

Really, I know I should be letting my brother's immature, constant need to prove he's a grown up get to me ... but he just keeps including me. Can't this kid just leave me alone already?

My mom says all he wants is his big sister's approval but let me tell you something, he ain't gonna get it by being retarded.

And when I'm only allowed to say the things you've previously scripted, I'm not really going to respond with an overwhelming need to have a relationship with you. Seriously... me? Controlled by someone else? Have you met me lately? I do still have a pulse ... so, that's not really going to work for me.

Why am I agitated by him you ask? The text message moments after his girlfriend said yes and the newspaper clipping of an email he sent detailing to the family three days later that she said yes. (no "don't let him get to you" notes, unless you really must, because I know ... there is a delete key for a reason ... and I have used it ... but the fakery just made me that iil)

Well no duh she said yes ... she's the cougar that's been pressuring you to ask so that she can start popping out kids like the rest of her family. (Bye bye PhD! Hope you didn't really want to finish that, lil bro) The text message I deleted with very minimal heartburn. I was annoyed but DELETE and DONE. The email today ... wanted to punch him - in.the.face.

Who writes to their family like this?

I am proud to announce my recent engagement to (FIRST NAME) (LAST NAME), formerly my girlfriend of three years who presently lives with me in (LOCATION).

< blah blah details >

They're not posted yet, but there will be too many pictures to sit through available online at some point. My face has never ached so much and my eyes never felt so burnt as they did with the paparazzi-esque picture frenzy that followed our arrival! There must be about 2000 pictures from the weekend . . . I'll make sure the links to the picture pages are distributed when they're up for anyone who is interested.

I'm looking forward to celebrating with all of you! We don't have a particular time in mind yet for the big day, but that will come in due time. I'm relieved to have made it through an emotionally overwhelming moment and ecstatic to say that I'm engaged to a beautiful woman who is my best friend and more.

With pride, joy and love,

(Name)

Maybe I'm overreacting but if you knew my brother you'd see that this email is a ridiculous attempt to "be grown up". I mean come on ... her last name? Its not an announcement for the paper where the people reading aren't going to know immediately who she is. Its your family who you have talked to about her and half of which you've forced us to spend holidays with.

Next time, be less of a tool and I'll feel less punch-you-in-the-face-ey. ok?

Still Caught Somewhere Between a Boy and a Man

Have you ever been riding down the road and find yourself conflicted about how much you should care that someone else is about to smack the center divider?

Um, probably not. Let me explain...

My brother just told me he is going to propose to his girlfriend when they go away next weekend (they celebrate the anniversary of the first trip they took together, even though they weren't dating then).

I should be happy for him, right? Right, I should ... but I'm not. I think he's making a mistake. A big one. It isn't really even about his girlfriend anymore. He's just too young, naive, and immature. Although, to be frank, I think the pressure is from her. The P word (pregnant) has been whispered a few times in the last year so I think they have had some scares and she is anxious to have it be more than a scare. Which really is the scariest part ... my brother, a dad ... those poor children. I feel bad for his dogs ... I can only imagine how someone as screwed up as he is will screw up a kid.

Do I at least get points for feeling bad that I'm not happy for him?

Probably not enough to outweigh the bitchy, selfish things I started thinking ... am I going to have to use my precious vacation time for this? will there still be enough money for when/if I get married?*

But back my driving analogy (I don't want to hear about how ironic that is)...

I feel like my brother is that car that is headed straight for the center divider. He has focused so hard, for long, on being my dad's shadow that I think he is blindly following my dad's driving without realizing he's headed for the accident of his life. I know I should put on the happy face and just be another car on the road ... I'm not in the car with him, I'm not going to hit that wall with him ... but he's my brother ... shouldn't I care? Isn't there some kind of familial moral obligation to keep people from doing stupid things? But maybe he'd have to care what I think before that becomes effective ...

Honestly though, as awful as this is going to read in writing, I don't really care what my brother does with his life. I don't miss him and dread seeing him at family events. I gave up on a relationship with him until he grows up because he is so much the proverbial gnat at my picnic. He never wants to hear what I actually think (I know because he's pissed when it isn't what he has scripted me to say), but will ask me what I think about things like this.

To keep peace with the rest of the family, I think a silent smiley face will be in order. Any great advice on how to put/keep that smiley face on?**

*my brother WILL be asking my dad to pay for some of the wedding and my brother knows no such thing as the word no or a budget)

** beyond just not giving a shit, I can probably manage that one on my own

Yes, that is the sound of the cell door slamming shut ... again ...

Official word has finally arrived:

"For the forgoing reasons we affirm the conviction against Mr. X for first-degree involuntary manslaughter the first degree and leaving the scene of an accident."

While the language in the ruling doesn't make a whole lot of sense ... it doesn't change that the shmuck is in jail for a minimum of almost 12 more years.

I expect to go through at least one more round of appeals but we're doing ok so far... a new trial would just give the prosecution to fix the errors of the last one and do it better the second time.

'scuse me while I go celebrate...

I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

Ok, so answer me this ... how do you sleep at night when you know someone is taking active measures to kill themselves? Not the I'm gonna swallow this bottle of pills if you don't pay attention to me or I've got a razor kind of active measures, but the kind that slowly, but actively work to end your life in a purposeful fashion.

For example - elderly, depressed, and on a hunger strike. Today is day 11.

Literally no food. Just water and sugar free candy by the handfuls. Oh, and hourly diarrhea for good measure.

Somehow I want to respect a person's decision not to fight but I can't really accept that is what is going on here.

He's lost his wife and his asshole son is living with him now. Frankly, I could understand him wanting to die. But if you were in a reasonable state of mind and really wanted to die, why would you continue to take your medicines?

I can accept not sticking a bunch of tubes in him or landing him back in the hospital again but to not do anything? Family members in the house, day after day, saying there is nothing they can do. It just makes me sick inside. And of course, people are angry with me for wanting to help him. But what else is new?

In my world - this man is very depressed, living in the house where his wife died, not thinking clearly. That does not make standing by while he gives up something I can really accept.

How about you?

I Could Be Cold
I Could Be Ruthless
You Know I Could Be Just Like You

When you owe someone a MAJOR apology and write a letter that says:

It was a terribly cold Easter. When we were kids we froze but wore our Easter clothes anyway.

Thank you for your help & you are always welcome here. I don't know what I'd do without [grandson] or our church friends.

Happy Easter

You most certainly did NOT apologize.

Seriously...?

Bitch.

Whoa, I don't have to be afraid of this sinking ship
And that's good to know
'Cause I've heard it all before
But I'm walking on water now

The medical drama seems as if it may be wrapping up ... thank GOD!

Surgery went extremely well yesterday (although, the COAW wasn't there in time to talk to the surgeon after surgery like we were). They removed a 10-15 pound tumor that could have plausibly been there for about 8 years based on symptoms. TEN to FIFTEEN POUNDS!!! If that doesn't say incompetence from the primary physicians, I don't know what does.

I am feeling like perhaps the universe is managing to see the right thing through, despite the best efforts of some people to muck it up with their own baggage. I don't have a whole lot of faith that such things are likely to happen, but I am happy this weekend to see that, just maybe, my lost faith was a mistake.

A week ago this man's wife and son decided that there was nothing to be done for him. Without a biopsy or a second opinion they put their foot down that surgery would just speed his death so it wouldn't happen. They began planning for hospice without a single sign that this man's death was anywhere near.

Today he's facing a whole new life (and smaller pants!) without any of their unfounded fears ever threatening to come to light.

Yet, they are still the small, petty people they will always be. Because I was the person that never gave up hope, because I am the person that cried when they gave up, because I am the person that pushed for more information, because I stood up for myself when they treated me badly, because I insist on being the person that keeps everyone going toward something better ... they will not acknowledge my presence in a room or accept any specialist I can lead them to. They deserve the misery they live in.

I am relieved that mercy found this man, that what could have been devastating was not, and that I was able to reinforce within me the strength it takes to stand in the face of what others would not.

But baby when they knock you
Down and out
It's where you oughta stay

So here's the update on me for the past week:

The aforementioned stupid, self-absorbed cunt of a whore ... ? Even more so. I can't honestly think of a concise statement to describe how unbelievably irresponsible, selfish, and incompetent this woman is. Lets try by example to enlighten everyone:

-- Her husband was transfered to a new hospital and she visited him the next day, but hasn't seen him for the last five.

-- Her husband began refusing treatment and said he wanted to talk to her. When we told her this, she refused to call him. (Note: She has not called him at all since he went into the hospital 3 weeks ago)

-- She refuses to call any of the doctors or nurses to check on her husband - "it is their job to call me" as she sees it. (Note: The doctors do not want to drop everything to call her and have said she needs to call them)

-- When doctors do try to get her on the phone her line is busy or no one answers. When they call the secondary numbers, she screams at the person they called for "interfering"

-- The doctors have said they need to do a face-to-face to discuss consent issues and the next steps in treatment - she hasn't indicated a willingness to be present.

Oh, and have I mentioned, she's the power of attorney? The hospital asked the grandson to become an additional power of attorney but when we discovered she has to approve it, we knew it would never happen.

In my life, I got sick. Just when I thought I was feeling better, my body started producing disgusting stuff that just can't be a good sign.

Fuck me running ... how long am I supposed to be the rock with the positive thoughts? Cuz I'm really running out of steam here.

Some Days Weeks Just Call For Mac & Cheese

I haven't fallen off the planet ... I've been busy and blogging just wasn't where my heart was. Sorry folks.

I had my heat problem resurface, my water go out (water main break), my neighbors pissed off at me, in addition to rejoining the retail workforce.

Retail is retail ... not much to say about that. The personalities that existed in my last store have been resurrected in the new bodies that fill this one. Some customers are pleasant, others are the kind that strike up personal conversations or take phone calls while you are giving them the help they asked for. Twice I have just walked away. I don't get paid enough to operate on your personal schedule people.

My neighbors have been appeased ... but I am quickly learning why they are so isolated from the rest of our community. They are the stereotypical PITA fucks that think their lives come first.

The water main break was repaired relatively quickly and only caused a minor problem but sure as hell freaked me out at 11pm the same night my heat had been out all day. The last thing I needed was frozen pipes.

The heat problem has been the most frustrating of all ... I called a furnace guy who came to look at it three times last week. He left Friday still not knowing what was wrong with it, leaving me to reset the furnace twice that night to get it running again. I fully intended to call this morning but it hasn't gone out again since Friday. He swears it isn't the thermostat ... I just don't know what to believe anymore.

Oh, and the bathroom ... no primer + flat paint + low tile = water on my wall and a paint scraping project I SO did not have the mood to deal with. I've been showering in my guest room and putting off dealing with the paint but with a potential roommate next week and my mom in town on Friday I am trying to bust myself to get it done ... in both bathrooms ... while working a 40 hr week & closing every night.

Who ever said all they wanted to do was be a grown up had no idea what they were talking about.

Twenty Years, It's Breaking You Down
Now That You Understand There's No One Around

Going to court Thursday and speaking about how much it has hurt to lose my grandmother was probably the single hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

I walked to the stand with an 8 x 10 of my family, the notes I had prepared, my memento of grandma, and a handful of tissues. I had already been crying in court so I don't think I got one dry word out. My voice wavered, my face flushed with emotion, and my whole body trembled uncontrollably. Honestly, I have no idea if the judge could understand a word I said.

I stood up there and explained how I was not prepared for a middle of the night phone call that meant my grandmother had instantly disappeared from my life and that we had no more time for all of the things I had been putting off.

I told the judge how an important professional support and "colleague" was now missing with such a savvy world traveler and explorer taken from me.

I showed him the photo and sobbed to him how I had lost not just one of the four relatives pictured, but three ... that my brother won't speak to me or my mother and that my dad and I only speak to fight, despite no one bickering over her estate, and my grandma forever gone.

I asked the judge not to punish but to protect and do whatever it was in his power to do to keep anyone else from feeling the pain that I do now.

I returned to my seat and did my best to calm myself as we sat through the other side telling their story. My father sat in the back of the court room with his wife while my aunt and I sat in the front with the MADD representative. My mother wasn't there because she feared being broken by the pain. My brother I can't account for, but I have my suspicions.

The defendant apologized for this "accident" and told us that he had found Jesus while in jail these last 11 months. He recognized my grandmother as a loving, beautiful person, "accepted her gift" as a turning point in his life, and hoped for our forgiveness. His lawyer asked for treatment and pointed to his client's recent sobriety, his first in 25 yrs.

I don't know if the judge had his mind made up before he walked into the courtroom that day or not, but he handed down two maximum sentences - 15 yrs on one count and 4 yrs on the other, to be served consecutively.

It was a very bittersweet, painful, and hollow "victory". Grammy will never come back to make our family behave again. Many years beyond this last with my father are gone now that our trust is so far broken. And I walked away with more love from the MADD woman than anyone else.

I am glad to be away from my family but my heart is breaking to know we are each becoming individuals, alone in the world. It won't be long before what was once a family is a total shattered mess. I may have been the first to be broken off, but my father is hardly surrounded by love and my brother believes "love" is someone that tells you what to wear and how to spend your money.

I am building a cocoon. I am protecting myself. I am re-building me. Alone.

I Listen To You Talk
But Talk Is Cheap ...

Yep. Things with dad are going just swimmingly ...

Am I Living Under the Spell of a Broken Record?

My mom called last night.

Just shoot me now

She was her usual meddling self ... telling me how to handle work, that I wasn't being paid enough, have I considered what the opportunities for advancement are ... like she's got her own life under control.

Meanwhile, she's still at work at 8pm, in a job she hates, frustrated almost to the point of tears, not considering another job ... because she doesn't want to "quit for nothing"

Yeah, I'm just rushing to take your advice, Lady

So then the issue of the holidays rolls around. I have become the evil ogre of the family for saying I don't want to go back to Cali this year.

My brother is not worth traveling for - I get maybe an hour's worth of time from him when I'm in town. We can't make it through a meal without a text or phone call from his girlfriend or his friends wanting to go hang out. Thanks, but I don't need to fly all the way across the country so you can 'grace me' with your presence.

My dad, not worth going to Cali for, sad to say. His wife has been nixed from my life entirely and thus, why go out there for a holiday I can't share with him? I'll see him here, I'll see him in Kansas. That's all the room he makes for me in his life, so that's all he gets.

My mom is the only other reason to go ... she is offended that I don't want to go just for her. She is playing the pity card and making me out as the selfish one. Oh, and don't forget the this-is-all-your-father's-fault-for-divorcing-me-and-now-I'm-all-alone guilt card she is playing.

It was seven years ago ... MOVE ON!

Well here's the whole story (or why I don't feel like an ogre)

Her side of the family is having a Christmas celebration that I plan to go to. She doesn't know if she is going to go. I planned to see her there, the week before Christmas. Going to the trouble of flying half way across the country just doesn't seem worth it to her so maybe she'll go, maybe she won't.

And she never considered coming out here.

So as long as I have to fly and I have to make the effort, everyone is happy. The minute my feelings come into play, its bad guy city.

I say, peg me for an outlaw cuz relationships are a two way street.

Waiter: I'll Take A Tall Glass of Pink Stuff

I know I should have found my camera by now, and I should be blogging about how fantastic it is to have my own house ... and TO myself (at least for the time being) ... but ...

Life's been busy putting my family in knots again

In the span of four days, what has been settled in Kansas for months has been undone, turned upside down, redone, and left unspun.

The guy that killed my grandmother decided to change his mind - he wanted to plead guilty at the last minute (a week before the trial was set to begin. (Note: he requested this trial date ... far earlier than anyone expected him to).

My family rushed to understand what it meant and everyone changed their travel plans accordingly.

Defense counsel apparently had other things in mind. He called up and argued with the prosecutor over the classification of the crime (which had been settled by a judge previously). When the defense counsel ended up with the answer he didn't want - they took back the plea.

We'll all go back and change our travel plans again and sit on the pins and needles this case is putting us through. We are back to facing a trial ... eventually ... we just don't know when

Tonight, my stomach is killing me.

Gotta Pick Myself Up, Where Do I Start

I think here would be nice ...

Miss you, LJ!

I Don’t Blame You For Being You, But You Can’t Blame Me For Hating It

A friend told me today, “every family is like a soap opera,” which is probably true. He’s a smart guy so I’m pretty sure he knows what he’s talking about. It made me feel better to a point, but I’m still reeling from this whole Dad situation.

I am confrontational. I say things that people don’t want to hear. I get that.

I am emotionally impatient. I try to avoid sweeping things under the rug because they always come back, usually with a vengeance.

I want to deal with things when they happen. I want to nip it in the bud. I want it done and over with. Not swept away and “forgotten” only to be dredged up and piled upon.

I want to talk about miscommunications, misunderstandings, mistakes, and missteps. If I don’t see the other side and they don’t see mine, the problem will become chronic, I promise you.

I believe in accountability and responsibility. I will call people out on it, whether they like it or not. Generally they don’t. That’s fine.

I am overly honest. I am straight to the point. I am hard to take. I know this.

But to call me hateful, and to say I am mean-spirited is just plain imaginary. They are daggers of untruth for the sole purpose of inflicting pain (mission accomplished) and the words of a man with nowhere to go, with stones enough only to run away.

Mark the Places in My Book With Photographs We Never Took

Tonight is one of those nights that I am SO glad I have kept my blog away from family eyes. It a night filled with rediculous, unnecessary drama and thus blaring music aimed at drowning out the overabundance of anger I have toward my family right now.

I am convinced that maturity is entirely lost on my family members ... entirely

I wrote an e-mail to my brother asking for his address and got this in response:

Why does this matter to the Feds - are we even still related? Aren’t you legally emancipated from this family yet? I haven’t heard from you since your graduation - it would be nice to know what GF and I got you for your birthday . . .

I’m still here when you figure out that I’m not the enemy.

And I'm pretty sure the phone and email work both ways. I don't recall leaving a communication unanswered. So, he's pointing a finger without having made an effort ... nice ...

Also of note - The last time I saw my brother was when he was flipping me off on the way out of town, following one of his temper tantrums that had carried over from 24 hours prior.

I think this left-field douche move would be one of many reasons we are not closer. But where do these moves come from? Dad, for one.

Dad is known for playing buddy-buddy with whomever he is talking to at the time. He makes psycho-analytical ventures about the other person's emotions or mental state, without ever trying to talk about things in a three-way conversation. This kind of behavior antagonizes the situation between my brother and me. It shores up the high and mighty routine that he so violently defends, creating even more animosity than there was to begin with. Dad is nothing more an enabler of the negative relationship he rails on us about.

But what happens when you call Dad on that? Bad things ...

Accountability is not something he wants to be faced with. Pursing it and expressing frustration over it got me one thing tonight. Rejected.

More specifically, my dad hung up on me. With all the maturity of a five year old running away from home. Hung up on his own daughter. Didn't answer again. Didn't call back.

My role model at work.

Resurgence of Douche

It has been re-confirmed ... there are some serious general douche bags circling around this poor country of ours.

How on earth have the twenty-somethings (and younger) gotten this far in life with such terrible social graces? Someone please tell me that they are going to hit the wall of reality sometime soon and fall flat on their asses. It is a most assuredly a pipe dream, I know … but can someone please just lie to me on this one?

Oh and while I’m asking questions, when did it become acceptable to treat your friends like disposable picnic wear because you didn’t get your way? Did I miss a memo somewhere? Apparently, I must have …

Today, a friend of mine invited his friend to hang out. Once his friend found out that I was going to be there as well he said, “Oh. Well then my roommate and I don’t want to come.” W.T.F. Over.

Just what exactly did I do to the Douche Twins to elicit such a response? Nothing.

I have known Douche Dude 1 for nearly as long as I have known my other friend. He and I have hung out in a variety of situations. He’s borrowed my car. He’s crashed on my couch while waiting for a house. We were never going to be best buddies, but I sure as hell thought we were at least cool with one another.

And his roommate? I thought that he and I got along decent enough. When the hell did things get so tense that he didn’t even want to go to the same damn movie? I tell you, I have no effing clue.

But as far as I’m concerned, it was rude and they are a giant set of Douche Twins. Do they not get that they told their own friend he had to decide who he wanted to hang out with more? Do they not get that they pulled some seriously immature moves?

I’ve heard more than one story tonight about stupid, immature “friendships” than I think I can take. And obviously this is some shit which has just irked me to the core. But I tell you, I just don’t get how people treat each other these days.

Maybe it will make more sense once I get my hands on that memo.

Already?

My parents aren't even in town yet and already they are arguing ...

I'm not sure the Marriott can handle them both in the same building for the four nights they will both be staying.

Maybe I can check them into rooms on opposite corners of the hotel and on floors as far away from one another as possible?

Let's hope so ...

INSANE

Since it’s a weekend and no one will be blogging or reading blogs, I'd like to take a moment to have a little self-awareness/pity party for myself. My apologies if you came here looking for something of more substance - that's just not me right now.

Whilst smoking some of the greatest cigarettes of my life ( ... it had been SOOOO long ... ) I realized that I am insane. Plain and simple. I am insane.

I live my life watching it unfold like a movie I have seen three times over. Most of the time, I can see what will happen before it ever does. I do my best to observe and wait to see if it will really play out the way the movie says it will ... perhaps because I fear altering the destined course of the world or maybe I just don't want to be deemed as controlling as my mother was.

But here's the insane part ... I am always crushed when my predictions come true and the movie plays according to its script without missing a beat. I almost always know it is coming before hand, I expect the hurt and disappointment long before it is delivered, but I am insane enough to hope this time will be different.

Some days I just wish I could be wrong.

Coping

Despite all the supportive comments and e-mails, I can't say I've been coping real well over the last couple of weeks. In fact, I generally feel like I'm falling apart. Though, I'm sure that was pretty obvious by now.

I put on a good show in front of the people that will remember if I don't, but most days I can't even bring myself to answer the phone. I've been going to work like usual, sometimes a little later than I should be. I've missed a class or two, but nothing that should do any real harm. To most people, the irritations have appeared minor.

In reality, I have been coping by shutting down. I have abanoned people that have needed my support. The blog has gone without much posting. E-mails go unanswered for days or weeks, if they ever get answered at all. My phone runs out of battery before I am willing to even look at it, and the voicemails just keep piling up without ever being heard.

Naturally, I have found myself at a breaking point or two as a result of this unhealthy habit of mine ... That evening in my office where I just had to close the door to make the world go away, or the evening I sat crying by the sink on the floor of a public restroom, or the nights I lay in bed with the tears welling up in my eyes as I pray that the morning will never come, just so that I don't have to put on the mask and face the world again before I'm ready to.

I always knew that shutting down was how I coped, but I couldn't see until now how far away from reality that place really can be. There is a part of me that can see the danger and the red flags in all of this, but that part of me doesn't usually win out. And unfortunately, through all of the abandonment and lack of trust in my short life, I just haven't quite learned anything better.

So I continue on, behind my mask of strength, coping with the negative as best I can despite the flawed methods ... hoping that the sun will soon burn through the clouds and shed the rays of warm sun on my face again.

Lessons Learned

Everyone always says 'everything happens for a reason' but it is rare that we ever know what that reason is. I personally find myself asking 'why?' or 'what is this for?' all of the damn time (no, not 'why me?' - that's a whole different question). The biggest things I took from my trip to Cali - despite all of the pain - were answers to two major whys that I have struggled to answer for the last couple of years.

There have been two men in my life that I can honestly say I loved differently than I have loved anyone else to come into my life. One of the common themes between them was the fact that I didn't get along with their mothers. XM2's mother used to judge me, make rude comments, and generally never gave me a chance because of the reality she wished her son were living instead of a life with me. XM3's mother never did anything to indicate she didn't like me, she just behaved badly toward me. She would refuse to talk to me, she would ignore my presence in a room, she pretended that I wasn't real. Both XM2 and XM3 told me I was imagining it all, that I should stop making myself a victim when there was no attack. Naturally it caused conflict, both relationships ended, and I was left not understanding why I had been put in those situations.

Experiencing the pain these women inflicted with their misdeeds and their sons inflicted with their abadonment of my emotions made me see nothing but injustice and well up with anger.

Until now...

Now I see that they were lessons to teach me two things:
1) I do not need the world to work according to plan or for people to behave perfectly. I need those that I love to stand beside me through the painful moments. I need recognition from them that something has gone wrong. I have the strength to bear anything placed upon me, but it is much easier to smile doing it when someone else is there to touch your hand and say, "I know, I see it too."

2) How a person behaves is not always who a person is. I wanted to label XM3's mother as a selfish, rude person but I can't honestly say I believe that she is, at her core, those negative things. I can't even believe that she is malicious. She may be oblivious to how she impacts others, but she is not mean...despite how it felt in the moments I spent with her...

The pain was great, the road was long, but the lessons were learned. And I can finally stop asking myself why I was meant to experience what these women brought into my life.

Slowly Speeding By

Techno music was blarring, so loudly in fact that nothing else worldly could hardly be heard. The loudest sounds were the panicked and angry, silent screams of frustration.
The world moved by slow enough to make out every detail as it passed by. But the world sped by fast enough to make holding on a futile effort.

I sat in the back of the car today as we drove down the freeway, watching everything I called home speed by as something no longer mine. I nearly cried as I simply let go... of the hopes, the dreams, the plans, the everything that I thought I had found here. It isn't my home anymore. It isn't a place of relaxation or safety.

This is a painful memory of what is never to come alive for me ... one that is slowly speeding by ...

That One Christmas Eve...

I think I should stop and clarify for a moment ...
When I bitched previously about my mistreatment at the hands of Dad's wife, I did not mean to imply that the mistreatment was in solely my direction. She is mean to my brother, just as deeply, but much more often since he lives in town. I did not mean to imply that this woman had it out for me - she resents and mistreats every decent aspect of my father's life ... not just me...

That being said... we had dinner together tonight - My father, my grandmother, my aunt, my brother, the step family, and me ...

An Italian restaurant, with nothing even remotely known as Italian American on the menu, on Christmas Eve. You couldn't even find meat on the menu hardly. No spaghetti, no lasagna, no chicken parmigiano. And the service was terrible.

The only upside to missing tradition, any sort of family bond, or seasonal atmosphere? Lots and lots of wine

Hope Santa still brings presents to us girls well on our way to being smashed!

Snapped

I think I've hit a record here ...

Less than 24 hours in town and already I've been reduced to tears

You see, I've got half the family up in arms because I've decided to put my foot down this year. And in defending myself I ended up in a reddened faced ball of tears, with my Scotch-Irish heritage giving away just how upset I really was as my whole neck turned a blushing, blotchy, bright red too.

For at least six holiday seasons I have had to put up with the ice queen my father married a few years ago. Every time we meet, she is mean. Just plain mean. I am not supposed to talk about it because it makes my dad uncomfortable. I am supposed to be the bigger person and let it go. I am supposed to brush it off and just accept that it is the way she is, it is nothing personal.

Well you know what? It is personal. It is hurtful. It is uncalled for. And I never hear so much as an "it is unfortunate that she treats you this way" out of my father.

I believe I have been patient. I believe I have been tolerant of the time it takes to blend two instant families. I even understand that no amount of will to do so can change another person's thoughts or behaviors. However, that time of leniency has run out and I have decided that there will be no more. I love my father, I want to see him, and I want to spend Christmas with his side of my family, but I refuse to do it at his house and on her turf. Because if my father cannot nuture my discomfort and insult at the hands of his wife, then I will not be willfully wounded on his behalf.

But to the rest of the family, I am just a bitch...

Why? Because...

I burst into tears watching TV last night ... again ... not out of saddness but out of that "I've-totally-been-there" connection. The character was crying, so I was crying. Grey's Anatomy does it to me almost every time I remember to watch. The scene...

Alex: "Why are you here helping me after what I did?" [he cheated on her]

Izzy: "Because... it's what JESUS WOULD FREAKIN' DO!"

Nearly every one of my exes has asked me that question in some form or another and my answer was always "because it's what I do." I can't say I do it because it is what Jesus would do, mostly because religion and faith are still a huge jumble of confusion in my head, but it's the same idea. They lie, they cheat, they screw me over and, even in my anger, I'm there to help them when they really need it...because that's what good people do. Because I can't sit by and let someone fail when I know I can keep them from failing. Because in the end, my pain is temporary and being able to look myself in the mirror every morning is for good. Because maybe, just maybe, if I keep putting little bits of good into the world, they willl add up and someday it won't be such a painful thing to get through.

Stimpy...You IDIOT!

Yeah, um...move over Stimpy...

I broke up with my boyfriend in October and we've been trying to do the whole friends thing. It's been a little turbulent at times, but we're trying...

We had a bit of a tiff this morning so I spent a good portion of the day e-mailing a different ex, good friend of mine, getting his view on things. Which was all good until I was an idiot...

I swear all I did was hit reply...

My last email to the ex-ex with a nasty note about the ex, somehow went to the ex instead...

Damn them for having the same name!

Hi, My name is Princess Cat and I am an IDIOT!

*head* *hit* *desk*

Corners...

The funny thing about them is, if you aren't looking for them... you just might not see them coming up as you slide yourself along that wall you are using to keep yourself upright as you struggle to escape where you came from...

But let me tell you, when you get flung around that corner you didn't see coming, it can smart the elbow or the toes pretty good.

Tonight, I myself banged up a couple toes ... despite the fact that I've been looking for that corner for a year or so ... that sucker just came out of nowhere! It feels good to be on this side of the wall for a change. I found couple of little pieces of me that have been hiding around this corner too. I didn't know where in the maze of life they got lost but I'm hoping they stick around for a while.

At the end of the night, banged up or not, I've turned a corner... and most people would call that progress. I'm gonna run with it.

(Why am I starting to feel like Tammi's silver lining fairy stopped by for a visit?)

Puttin Memories Away

I threw our rings into a box
Filled with broken memories and fools gold
And I woke up again last night in this lonely bed without you to hold
And I walked around the house pullin' pictures off the walls
Just like I've done a hundred times before
Makin sure I've got 'em all

Chorus
Makin sure I've got the hard to find
Little things that make me think about you
'Cause I'm tired if this house always breakin' me down, feelin blue
No there's nothing left to say
I'm puttin' memories away

Well, yesterday I found your dress
I guess there's some things I missed in our room
But it didn't break me down the second that I found it like it used to
With red wine and tears I've been gatherin' all the years we spent together
I need to move on
'Cause I know you're gone forever

Repeat Chorus

No there's nothing left to say
I'm puttin' memories away

-- Gary Allan

New Panties, Sir?

Remember the guy that owes me money from when I bailed him out and my dad had the car fixed that he wrecked? I'm guessing he's needing some new panties right about now.

Dad was in NY on business and paid this guy a little surprise visit. I bet someone from Cali wasn't who he expected to walk into his office that day - and I bet he sure as hell didn't think it would ever be my dad.

From what I hear the guy just started stammering. With two other people in the office Dad asked him to step outside. They spoke briefly on the front sidewalk where Dad was nice and tried to project a sense of understanding. I don't care what was actually said, his coworkers had to know something was up and that it wasn't good. Who knows how he explained it away to them.

What I know for sure is that this guy knows he can't hide anymore and that we are willing to seek him out at random. Hopefully that is enough pressure to get things moving again. If not, I'm sure there are several other people that would love to get involved. It'll take him a while to get the stain out of his panties after that shit session, I'm sure. Better go buy a couple extra pair, son.

DO NOT CALL THIS MAN

I just spent nearly the last 2 hrs trying to get a poor girl home from the airport. She's a friend of a friend and she had no one else to call. I couldn't do anything more than look up prices for a taxi or a shuttle and repeatedly call her ride. I felt horrible that I couldn't hop in a car and go pick her up myself.

Before she left CA she called to remind him to pick her up. At 10:30p he set off for a nap before picking her up. Too bad he never woke up. Not even after an hour and a half of repetitive phone calls, texts, and voicemails...

There is was 11:15p when her plane landed. Single girl. Late night. She'd just flown from LAX to DC after having a car accident. Her injured neck was stiff and killing her from the flight. And she'd never flown into this airport without having a ride pick her up.

By 12:45 she gave up, asked me to call and leave a message that she wasn't waiting any longer, and took a shuttle home. Unfortunately her trip home will be about another hour as she does not live close to the airport.

Neck injury + 5 hr flight + 1.5 hr wait + 1 hr shuttle = DOGHOUSE

Good thing these two aren't dating or that would be one massive fight. Bet you she won't be asking him for any favors any time soon...

Rough Times

Ladies and Gentlemen, we appear to be experiencing a little turbulance at the moment. The Captain has turned on the seatbelt sign so please return to your seat and secure your seatbelt low and tight across your lap. The Captain will turn off the seatbelt sign when it is again safe to move about the cabin.

Digital Hate

Have you ever pissed someone off so much that they took the effort to photoshop you (or something that reminds them of you) out of a picture?

Apparently I have.

I recently discovered, quite by accident, that a necklace I gave to someone has been removed from a photo of her posted online.

Damn, that's some serious dedication to being pissed off.

If Murder Were Legal...

Today served me with a very helpful reminder...
Some people just can't seem to get their head out of their ass.
No matter how nicely you ask, how patient you are or how long you wait, they continue to prefer the stench of their own shit to the fresh air of reality.

When did the world get so full of arrogant, selfish, short sighted, self serving, ignorant pricks that you couldn't sneeze without hitting one?

Some days it just makes me so angry that I can't even blog...

Trauma

I simply cannot bear to blog today. Personal trauma aside, the torture that the UK is feeling following the attacks in London weighs heavily on my heart.

Please go visit those from the UK or those with friends and family and be their support right now. Eric has linked several places you can go to keep up.

Stupid Decisions

The path you choose is not mine to judge but I can't help but do so. Your life and your decisions do not affect me but still I am affected in my reactions to them.

I don't know if I should take pride in knowing I was right or be disappointed that things really aren't that different...

You are bad at relationships and you have been unsure if you are ready for one...so dating your roommate seemed like the right place to test it out? How the hell did that make sense in your head? No escape to your own house when things get tough. No space to call your own that she doesn't have claim to first. You always know where she is and she will always know where you are. The commitment-phobe has placed himself in the most committed relationship of his life...there is no escape from it but to move. At this rate, have you proposed yet?

I have no right to be angry but still I am. I'm not jealous, I feel as if I have been deceived. All this time I have heard how much you have changed - evidence would indicate otherwise. I have heard you say the words, "you were right, I should have listened" but still you don't.

I have always thought better of you than what you could live up to. Perhaps it is I that need make less foolish decisions...

Agent Smith

If there is one thing I am terrible at, it is hiding the way I feel. I wear my emotions across my face all of the time, even when I don't realize it. I guess I'm pretty transparent that way...especially in the last few weeks. I have had people come up to me and ask me what is wrong or strangers give me the 'you look so sad' face. The main reason would be my difficulties with Agent Smith. Someone I considered to be one of my closest friends. And now, someone who has turned away from that bond. She used to read this blog but I'm not sure if she still will. I'm not writing to try to instigate anything with her; I just don't know what to do with it anymore. Hopefully she will understand that if she reads this, but I'm not holding my breath...

Disclaimer: If what you are about to read seems petty to you, that's because it is... But that doesn't make it suck any less ...and in my mind, that makes it suck even more.

Agent Smith was a friend that I would do anything for. We had a lot of common interests and we enjoyed each other's company. I did everything I could to help her out. From using whatever connections I had to help her sick father to staying up all night at a diner with her, just so she had moral support to do work she wasn't motivated to do. I gave her any notes I had from previous courses, copies of papers I had received good marks on, and edited paper after paper under the slimmest of deadlines. I wanted to see her succeed so I gave her what I could. We had a lot of good times together around town and a lot of experiences we'll never share with anyone else.

Then I moved away to grad school... Things have never been the same...
I have changed on the East Coast for a number of reasons. First, I'm not happy. Second, grad school isn't the same as undergrad. Third, I have to care a lot more about my future than I did then. Fourth, life has a lot more pressure to it these days than it did when I could gallivant about San Diego with hardly a care in the world. It has not changed who I am at the core. It has only changed the amount of time I have to spend laughing and joking around. I still want to play; I just now have to budget for that differently than I did before. She does not understand this about me and I do not understand her at this point in her life.

We never fought when I lived down the block. Since I've moved we've fought times. This time was too much for her, it seems. The sad part is that the fight always starts over something that should never come between two friends - a guy. We weren't even fighting over the same guy. Our fights revolve around my choice in men. This last fight though was about the way she was treating the man she is dating. I felt that she was behaving badly towards him and she was shocked that I dare question their relationship based on that behavior. Things just got worse from there...

I planned a trip back to San Diego for her graduation. Knowing she would be busy with family in town, I got a hotel close to her apartment and a car large enough to transport 5-6 people to make things easier on everyone. About a week after a fight, I got a message from her boyfriend saying he would be staying in my hotel with me. It was news to me since no one had ever run that past me before, nor had anyone offered to chip in. He said he would talk to her about it and I didn't hear another word on the subject...until I brought it up with her over two weeks later. Three weeks had gone by since she had laughed in my face about things and told me she was over it. She was still pissed and ripped into me for wanting an apology that the hotel misunderstanding was not resolved. Of course, another fight ensued.

Just over 24hrs before I was supposed to fly out for her graduation she e-mailed me (at 5am ET) saying she didn't want to see me while I was in town. We exchanged a few emails before I left but she didn't see me while I was there. There was no apology for the considerable sum of extra money I laid out in order to accommodate her graduation schedule. I flew in a day early, stayed extra days, spent more on a hotel and car than necessary, but I don't think she even realizes it. There was no communication while I was in town other than a text message to my phone at 10:40 the night before I left saying she hoped I had a good time and a safe flight home. I haven't responded because I was sick with anger over the message. I was shocked at how flippant she continues to be and how easily she can just close the door on what we shared.

She feels in her gut that ending our friendship is the right thing for her to do. I can't change that in her. I have asked her to see my side of the story and she won't budge. She believes she is right and capable of seeing the truth for what it is, not what I say it is. She is angry and I'm not who she wants me to be anymore. Under those circumstances, she has no place for me in her life.

I feel like all I can do at this point is wave goodbye. No amount of explaining will undo what she feels is done. I will miss her. She was someone I thought would be there for me through anything.

So ... if you see me and want to know why I am so sad ... it is because Agent Smith has made up her mind and has no qualms about following through.

Return to Residence

I gently waved in my heart, full with sadness, to the nasty yellow buildings of MCRD as the plane took off today... I had to leave home yet again.

I went to sleep to ignore the ache...

Once I woke up I tried reading, I tried listening to CDs, but all I could think of was how empty I felt. The pillowy, cotton-like clouds playing peek-a-boo with the farmland were a slight calming force though.

The delicate and intricate ice crystals crept up the window and I knew my heaven of isolation would be over soon...they signified my suspended life would coming back soon... once the floating stopped and the people disappeared.

We sank to land like a rock, quick and without regard for what went past. An eerie orange and yellow halo hung around the shadow of the plane as we descended to the cloud level. Our shadow grew larger and the halo more frightening as we banked left. Through the clouds... the magnificent ice melting... a dingy haze hanging in the air... grass the color of bile... a humid fog crowding the window...

Not a single tear fell but my heart broke with the wheels on the runway. I have returned to where I reside and left home behind yet again...

I don't know when I will go home again...
But I saw within myself answers that cannot be unlearned...
I've returned to a shattered semblance of what life used to be...
The nightmares have already started to come back...

Goodbye Agent Smith

I miss you already...

Girl, your bags are packed
And you ain't coming back is written on them
Take these memories with you
They're just sad and they're blue and I don't want them
Oh, you're not so sure that you're in love anymore
And I ain't gonna beg you to stay
Ain't it just like you to leave
Ain't it just like me to let you walk away

I hold a tender place in my heart for you and you know it
I've never said it out loud
Guess I was way too proud to ever show it
We always thought some night that we might get it right
But that ain't going to happen today
Ain't it just like you to leave
Ain't it just like me to let you walk away

--Toby Keith/Scotty Emerick

Lost

It’s the middle of the night, I have an assignment due in 12 hrs, I'm incapable of work, and I'm still awake...Lost...

Several cigarettes and many more tears later...I'm still lost...

Since moving across the country to DC I've found myself with only 3 basic people I held dear and could not live without. In recent months I have lost 2 of them, to a degree. I have been met with distrust, betrayal, and harsh words from them both leaving me in shock that people I loved could wound me so deeply and without remorse. I couldn't tell you with a straight face that I still love them because I have built so many walls in reaction to them. I have been disappointed when they didn't meet expectations I had thought they were far above. I don't know how to come back from the distances we've grown apart or how to ignore the scars that will take time to heal.

The third and only real friend left is a quiet, good natured girl back in CA that is terribly unwilling to impose, just struggling to make ends meet while she worries about her man on his 4th tour since 9/11 and tries desperately to keep a mentally disturbed ex afloat without hurting herself. Naturally, she and I don't get as much time as either of us would like.

I have retreated into a cocoon of safety where no one can get close. My friends have become bloggers that I have grasped so tightly to that they probably think me insane. I'm pretty sure reading this you know who you are and I thank you for all your kindness. It has meant more than you will ever understand in the past months.

It feels wrong to walk away but I want something more for my life. Someone once said to me, "you have the whole rest of the world to be mean to, why me?" And I can't help but feel that way now about these two... Perhaps I would know how to heal if there were simple, sincere, apologetic words for the pain that has been exchanged were to be said... instead I have gotten flat expressions of the right thing to say... and somehow I stay...

Reality

I have always known that nothing is as we see it to be... our reality our own, made my the way we choose to see the world. But on some level I believe there are competing realities, some more real than others. Part of what brings people together is sharing a concept of reality...

...I no longer have this comfort...

My reality states that I am a strong and kind hearted individual. The reality of the two people closest to me believes differently.

To one, I am a weak individual - far weaker than she - because I am motivated to grow and change by others in my life. She honestly believes it with her whole hearted self. To her, unwillingness/inability to be entirely self-sufficient is weak. I know what I have been through in my life. I know I have not broken. I know I am strong. My struggle and disappointment has not altered what I believe to be right and wrong. I have not compromised the values I hold dear at my deepest core. I have had the strength to carry on and never be taken off track.

I do not care that she feels her character is stronger than mine. I know myself more intimately than she could fathom she does. I am hurt that she would think such a thing for so long and attack the ways I have helped people (to include her) because they aren't always in my best interest. I am disappointed that my reality is so very different from the reality of someone I held close to me.

To another, I am not a good person any longer. He took the statement back (this time) but it has been said many times over...his reality believes it is true. I will not sit by and let people I care about continue down a path of self destruction or negative behavior when I know that they are capable of more. Apparently this concern is wrong and the expectation of more just too much. I know that I am a good person. I see that his reality is different and I can't fault him for that. He cannot see into my heart where there is no ill will toward anyone - not even those who have done me wrong. All I ever want is fairness. To seek revenge would be to let the offending party have too much of my energy. Call it karma, call it life, call it whatever...those who do wrong will face what they are meant to...it is not my place to make them face it. I can look myself in the mirror and my reality says I am a good person, regardless of what anyone else's says. I just wish I hadn't believed that he saw it my way because the disappointment over being wrong just cuts like a knife...

Can't you stop the lies falling from the skies?
Down on me, I'm still standing.
Can't you roll the dice, I might be surprised,
conscience clear, I'm still standing here.
--Still Standing, The Rasmus

Need a Drink?

I think the world needs a drink / I think enoughs enough / She's been spinnin around so long / I'd say She's pretty wound up / Let's all calm down sit back relax / Tear up the contracts and save the ink / Yeah I think the world needs a drink
--I Think the World Needs A Drink, Terri Clark

I second the motion, with a big HELL YEAH! So do I...

Pardon me while I try to sleep off my moment of panic.

UPDATE:
Moment of panic complete. Please return to your normally scheduled lives.

Missing Peace

As much as I wanted to keep my personal life off of this blog, I have no where else left to turn. I've been backed into a corner and just can't find peace.

I'm so tired of the advice...
I don't think I can take one more person piping up with what they think my best course of action would be. There are no perfect answers and calling the shots from the sidelines certainly isn't going to yield one. So please, no more comments about what I should do or when...

I am a good person...
I was nothing but nice...
I never said choose...
I offered my heart...

In exchange...

I've been unappreciated...
I've been accused...
I've been ignored...
I've been blamed...
I've been doubted...
I've been snubbed...

I have been betrayed.

I have become a cold, hard, bitch...
And I don't know how to back down...

I did nothing wrong...
I was a kind hearted girl...

So naive...

My deeds did not go unpunished...
The demons returned to torment...
And peace has slipped farther away...

blank

I hate who I've become...
Trying so hard to find happiness in the little things, just so I'm not so bitter for a few moments out of my day...
My eyes used to sparkle...
I feel abandoned and let down, by my own decisions...
There is so much pain in the world, larger than mine, but I see only my own...
Thinking of myself feels so selfish, the guilt weighs on me...
My content here sux and I'm not inspired to write...
The semester is ending, so many unknowns, my course uncharted...
People are falling around me, and I am powerless to help...
I don't see the glass half empty anymore...
It has fallen and smashed on the ground...

Here I am, once again / I'm torn into pieces / Can't deny it, can't pretend / ... / Broken up, deep inside / But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Hand Me Down

Someday they’ll find your small town world on a big town avenue / Gonna make you like the way they talk when they’re talking to you / Gonna make you break out of the shell cause they tell you to / Gonna make you like the way they lie better than the truth / They’ll tell you everything you wanted someone else to say / They’re gonna break your heart, yeah

From what I’ve seen / You’re just a one more hand me down / Cause no one’s tried to give you what you need / ... /

Somebody ought to take you in / Try to make you love again / Try to make you like the way they feel / When they’re under your skin / Never once did you think they’d lie when they’re holding you / You wonder why they haven’t called / When they said they’d call you / You start to wonder if you’re ever gonna make it by / You’ll start to think you were born blind

From what I’ve seen / You’re just a one more hand me down / Cause no one’s tried to give you what you need / ... /

--Matchbox Twenty

The rest of the song just didn't quite feel applicable in my current state of confusion. Yes, I've had a little wine...sue me...

Severely Fucked

"Every time I've ever believed in a happy ending I've gotten severely fucked." --Brenda, Six Feet Under

Today is no different...

*head* *hit* *desk*

So. I'm sorry, So?

Sometimes people just can't be bothered to see the big picture. Understanding the impact of their actions on someone else is apparently just too hard. So, in light of the fact that the number of people who can't see past their own lives seems to be growing at a staggeringly exponential rate - I would love to end so many conversations these days by just playing this song:

Them:
So.

Me:
So? I'm sorry, SO?
So, so long, bye bye baby
I'll catch you on the flipside, maybe
Dontcha slip slide on a tear when you find me gone.
Go go on cry cry baby
Those tears are gonna drip dry maybe
But you're gonna miss my good love baby
for so so long
So, so long...

I bet you think I'm gonna let it slide
the way you're flashin me those puppydog eyes
Right? yeah right. Right?
WRONG.

So, so long, bye bye baby
I'll catch you on the flipside, maybe
Dontcha slip slide on a tear when you find me gone.
Go go on cry cry baby
Those tears are gonna drip dry maybe
But you're gonna miss my good love baby
for so so long
So, so long...

--Dierks Bently

Emotions

Yet another difference between men and women...

To men, emotions can be WRONG.
To women, emotions are never WRONG.

From where I sit, emotions will never be wrong. They can't be wrong. There is no fundamental basis for emotions to be wrong or right. You can't control your feelings.

You can control how you deal with emotions. You can control your behavior in conjunction with those emotions. These things can be right or wrong. They are cognitive decisions that a person should be held responsible for.

Emotions are something to be recognized and understood. Their existence must be validated. Their source should be sought. Any root cause should be dealt with.

People go through a lot through their lives, some more than others, and we have to find a way to process it all. Our personal, internal response to those experiences is what makes us who we are. Those emotions cannot be wrong, only how we express them.

Daddy's Girl

They say that girls want to date men that are like their fathers. I don't know how true the general statement is as a whole but for me, I couldn't agree more. Growing up my father was my best friend. He made mistakes along the way in his marriage to my mom but when it came to me, I thought he was a god.

Dad raised me with a sense of right and wrong that I believed in. I didn't just follow the rules because he said so. I understood them and their purpose. He cared about my understanding of why things were the way things were supposed to be.
He always had time to listen to my stories or look at what I had done at school that day. It was harder to show him things when he was on the road but he still had time to listen on the phone. It wasn't so that he could be proud of me either. It was because he knew how much it meant to be to have him pay attention to me and think I was important. That time together taught me out to be proud of myself, for me.
No matter how hard I tried to hide it, he always knew when I had a bad day. Even when I was pissy and brushed him off, he persisted and he would always take me for a drive to get away from things and talk it out. We wouldn't come home until we had talked long enough to make things feel better.
He did what he could to make me one of the cool kids. He would take my friends and me out for ice cream of just drive us around in his sports car so that we felt grown up and cool.
He would always take the time to help me with school work. Even after I started studying things that weren't in his field he did his best. If I had a hard paper in college he would go to the bookstore and find a book he thought would help and overnight it to me. Most of the time the books weren't that helpful, but knowing he wanted to help that much was important.
When we moved and I had to start a new school I was unbelievably upset. The first day of school when they called the parents into an orientation of their own, my dad pulled a chair aside and cried at how much his decision to take a new job was hurting me. We all knew it was the right decision in the long run but it killed him to see me so upset in the process.
He paid attention to the little things and the details. He knew how simple things could change a person's day, including a kid's. Getting to ride on the tractor or go see the new Deere. Going to the produce stand for a snack. The reward of a Saturday morning donut at the local shop for a job well done on the paper route. Never big things. Never enough to spoil us. Just enough that I knew I was never far from his mind and that my happiness meant more to him than anything money could buy.

He's not quite the man he used to be but that was my daddy. I was lucky to be raised by such a kind and thoughtful man. I'd be the luckiest girl on the planet to find someone like that again.

Swiss Cheese Life

Ok readers...I have a dilemma...

I love my blog. Playing with the blog. Writing in the blog. Reading other blogs. I love bloggy stuff.

Naturally I want to include people I care about in that part of my life and I want their opinion on things. Hell, I want their approval on it. Not in the way that I need them to ok everything I do but I need them to be supportive of what I am doing. Suggestions on how to improve are good too. Things are always more fun when your friends enjoy them too and want to see you be the best at them.

However, I am finding myself with the urge to make swiss cheese of my life and exclude those I care about from my bloggy lovin ways. It is hard for me to share things that are important so I am ultra sensitive about them. Telling me in any way that I'm not good enough doesn't sit well. And when I get burned I don't just yank my hand away, I run screaming from the stove.

What to do... what to do...

It feels so empty not being able to talk about my loves but it sux so much when we do...

Is the swiss cheese life sustainable?

Dear Diary

What is it with people that want what they can't have? I'm referring more specifically to people that want what they had, but they really want it only after they have thrown it away. Is this simply the embodiment of the cliché, "you don't know what you've got until it’s gone"? I really want to be a bitch about it since these lyrics are in my head:
You know you tore me up / You really wore me out / I swear I cried so much / That I nearly drowned / ... / Now its you who calls / And me who's never home / / Who's cryin now? / Knowin it’s too late / To get us back together / ... / Who's cryin now? / Who's lonely? / Now who's sad?
But instead the majority of the time I react much differently and with a lot more anger. I end up feeling things like:
If I'm so important now, why the hell didn't you care then?
If you've always thought I was so great, why the hell did you feel so comfortable using me the way you did?
If you've always liked who I am, why the hell did you make such a fool of me?
If all you can give me are excuses for the past, how the hell do you expect me to see anything new?
But then again...I guess that's a pretty bitchy attitude as well...

I knew what I was leaving behind when I left San Diego and went to grad school. I hated leaving and I did so kicking and screaming the entire way. But I felt compelled to do so if I was serious about my career path. Unfortunately the grad school experience has done nothing but repeatedly let me down and makes me question my ability to ever make a difference in this field.

Living on the East Coast has once again changed my personality from the Princess most people in my life know (and love, I hope). This is the third time I've parked myself over here and I have just never been able to call it home. It takes a special person to be able to call both coasts home and that just isn't me. The lifestyles are very different and they are very distinct. I miss the one I had in the West where it was easy to smile and my eyes sparkled when I did. Out here I can smile but it’s just not the same. Put a picture of me from SD next to a picture of me here and they look more like sisters than the same person.

I'm not just pitying myself for the past, or being homesick...I'm Me-sick these days. I want the old me back - the one that hardly needed sleep, always found the fun in things, and loved living life, even on the bad days.

Internal Turmoil

These lyrical excerpts felt particularly appropriate today:

One more kiss could be the best thing / But one more lie could be the worst / And all these thoughts are never resting / And you're not something I deserve

I dream ahead to what I hope for / And I turn my back on loving you / How can this love be a good thing / When I know what I'm goin through

And no matter how hard I try / I can't escape these things inside I know

You love me but you don’t know who I am / I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand

-- 3 Doors Down, "Let Me Go"