May 28, 2005


I have always known that nothing is as we see it to be... our reality our own, made my the way we choose to see the world. But on some level I believe there are competing realities, some more real than others. Part of what brings people together is sharing a concept of reality...

...I no longer have this comfort...

My reality states that I am a strong and kind hearted individual. The reality of the two people closest to me believes differently.

To one, I am a weak individual - far weaker than she - because I am motivated to grow and change by others in my life. She honestly believes it with her whole hearted self. To her, unwillingness/inability to be entirely self-sufficient is weak. I know what I have been through in my life. I know I have not broken. I know I am strong. My struggle and disappointment has not altered what I believe to be right and wrong. I have not compromised the values I hold dear at my deepest core. I have had the strength to carry on and never be taken off track.

I do not care that she feels her character is stronger than mine. I know myself more intimately than she could fathom she does. I am hurt that she would think such a thing for so long and attack the ways I have helped people (to include her) because they aren't always in my best interest. I am disappointed that my reality is so very different from the reality of someone I held close to me.

To another, I am not a good person any longer. He took the statement back (this time) but it has been said many times over...his reality believes it is true. I will not sit by and let people I care about continue down a path of self destruction or negative behavior when I know that they are capable of more. Apparently this concern is wrong and the expectation of more just too much. I know that I am a good person. I see that his reality is different and I can't fault him for that. He cannot see into my heart where there is no ill will toward anyone - not even those who have done me wrong. All I ever want is fairness. To seek revenge would be to let the offending party have too much of my energy. Call it karma, call it life, call it whatever...those who do wrong will face what they are meant is not my place to make them face it. I can look myself in the mirror and my reality says I am a good person, regardless of what anyone else's says. I just wish I hadn't believed that he saw it my way because the disappointment over being wrong just cuts like a knife...

Can't you stop the lies falling from the skies?
Down on me, I'm still standing.
Can't you roll the dice, I might be surprised,
conscience clear, I'm still standing here.
--Still Standing, The Rasmus

Posted by Princess Cat at May 28, 2005 04:18 PM @ 04:18 PM in Drama // Permalink