If there is one thing I am terrible at, it is hiding the way I feel. I wear my emotions across my face all of the time, even when I don't realize it. I guess I'm pretty transparent that way...especially in the last few weeks. I have had people come up to me and ask me what is wrong or strangers give me the 'you look so sad' face. The main reason would be my difficulties with Agent Smith. Someone I considered to be one of my closest friends. And now, someone who has turned away from that bond. She used to read this blog but I'm not sure if she still will. I'm not writing to try to instigate anything with her; I just don't know what to do with it anymore. Hopefully she will understand that if she reads this, but I'm not holding my breath...
Disclaimer: If what you are about to read seems petty to you, that's because it is... But that doesn't make it suck any less ...and in my mind, that makes it suck even more.
Agent Smith was a friend that I would do anything for. We had a lot of common interests and we enjoyed each other's company. I did everything I could to help her out. From using whatever connections I had to help her sick father to staying up all night at a diner with her, just so she had moral support to do work she wasn't motivated to do. I gave her any notes I had from previous courses, copies of papers I had received good marks on, and edited paper after paper under the slimmest of deadlines. I wanted to see her succeed so I gave her what I could. We had a lot of good times together around town and a lot of experiences we'll never share with anyone else.
Then I moved away to grad school... Things have never been the same...
I have changed on the East Coast for a number of reasons. First, I'm not happy. Second, grad school isn't the same as undergrad. Third, I have to care a lot more about my future than I did then. Fourth, life has a lot more pressure to it these days than it did when I could gallivant about San Diego with hardly a care in the world. It has not changed who I am at the core. It has only changed the amount of time I have to spend laughing and joking around. I still want to play; I just now have to budget for that differently than I did before. She does not understand this about me and I do not understand her at this point in her life.
We never fought when I lived down the block. Since I've moved we've fought times. This time was too much for her, it seems. The sad part is that the fight always starts over something that should never come between two friends - a guy. We weren't even fighting over the same guy. Our fights revolve around my choice in men. This last fight though was about the way she was treating the man she is dating. I felt that she was behaving badly towards him and she was shocked that I dare question their relationship based on that behavior. Things just got worse from there...
I planned a trip back to San Diego for her graduation. Knowing she would be busy with family in town, I got a hotel close to her apartment and a car large enough to transport 5-6 people to make things easier on everyone. About a week after a fight, I got a message from her boyfriend saying he would be staying in my hotel with me. It was news to me since no one had ever run that past me before, nor had anyone offered to chip in. He said he would talk to her about it and I didn't hear another word on the subject...until I brought it up with her over two weeks later. Three weeks had gone by since she had laughed in my face about things and told me she was over it. She was still pissed and ripped into me for wanting an apology that the hotel misunderstanding was not resolved. Of course, another fight ensued.
Just over 24hrs before I was supposed to fly out for her graduation she e-mailed me (at 5am ET) saying she didn't want to see me while I was in town. We exchanged a few emails before I left but she didn't see me while I was there. There was no apology for the considerable sum of extra money I laid out in order to accommodate her graduation schedule. I flew in a day early, stayed extra days, spent more on a hotel and car than necessary, but I don't think she even realizes it. There was no communication while I was in town other than a text message to my phone at 10:40 the night before I left saying she hoped I had a good time and a safe flight home. I haven't responded because I was sick with anger over the message. I was shocked at how flippant she continues to be and how easily she can just close the door on what we shared.
She feels in her gut that ending our friendship is the right thing for her to do. I can't change that in her. I have asked her to see my side of the story and she won't budge. She believes she is right and capable of seeing the truth for what it is, not what I say it is. She is angry and I'm not who she wants me to be anymore. Under those circumstances, she has no place for me in her life.
I feel like all I can do at this point is wave goodbye. No amount of explaining will undo what she feels is done. I will miss her. She was someone I thought would be there for me through anything.
So ... if you see me and want to know why I am so sad ... it is because Agent Smith has made up her mind and has no qualms about following through.Posted by Princess Cat at June 17, 2005 12:22 PM @ 12:22 PM in Drama // Permalink