June 02, 2005


It’s the middle of the night, I have an assignment due in 12 hrs, I'm incapable of work, and I'm still awake...Lost...

Several cigarettes and many more tears later...I'm still lost...

Since moving across the country to DC I've found myself with only 3 basic people I held dear and could not live without. In recent months I have lost 2 of them, to a degree. I have been met with distrust, betrayal, and harsh words from them both leaving me in shock that people I loved could wound me so deeply and without remorse. I couldn't tell you with a straight face that I still love them because I have built so many walls in reaction to them. I have been disappointed when they didn't meet expectations I had thought they were far above. I don't know how to come back from the distances we've grown apart or how to ignore the scars that will take time to heal.

The third and only real friend left is a quiet, good natured girl back in CA that is terribly unwilling to impose, just struggling to make ends meet while she worries about her man on his 4th tour since 9/11 and tries desperately to keep a mentally disturbed ex afloat without hurting herself. Naturally, she and I don't get as much time as either of us would like.

I have retreated into a cocoon of safety where no one can get close. My friends have become bloggers that I have grasped so tightly to that they probably think me insane. I'm pretty sure reading this you know who you are and I thank you for all your kindness. It has meant more than you will ever understand in the past months.

It feels wrong to walk away but I want something more for my life. Someone once said to me, "you have the whole rest of the world to be mean to, why me?" And I can't help but feel that way now about these two... Perhaps I would know how to heal if there were simple, sincere, apologetic words for the pain that has been exchanged were to be said... instead I have gotten flat expressions of the right thing to say... and somehow I stay...

One more kiss could be the best thing
Or one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve

Posted by Princess Cat at June 2, 2005 03:25 AM @ 03:25 AM in Drama // Permalink

Oh dear, you sound quite down about your relationships. I understand completely though. My husband just asked me the other day if I thought it was possible to have true friendships as an adult. Children are so much more forgiving than adults.

I thought about it and I really have no one that I would truly run to in an emotional crisis - they've all gone their ways and left me behind. Perhaps I did the same to them.

But, I did have an issue a few weeks ago and I sent a flurry of emails back and forth to some extremely supportive blogger friends. So I also understand what you're saying there! I'm closer to some of them than anyone right around me, outside of immediate family.

Posted by: Idgie at June 2, 2005 08:51 AM

... sometimes bloggers see sides of people that your friends don't.... writing thoughts and words down shows things we often can't verbalize... it's no wonder that bloggers are such a tightly knit group...

... hang in there, Cat... if there is anything that I can do, just give me a yell...

Posted by: Eric at June 2, 2005 10:36 AM

Hey you, stop procrastinating and get back to writing that assignment. Where'd you put that boot for swift-kicking? :)

And hey, it sounds silly, and you probably don't want to hear it, but when things get really down, there's nowhere to go but up! Come on up!! :)

Posted by: Ogre at June 2, 2005 11:05 AM

ONE GREAT FRIEND is worth 15 "ok "friends, I promise.

Posted by: ArmyWifeToddlerMom at June 2, 2005 01:00 PM