What is it with people that want what they can't have? I'm referring more specifically to people that want what they had, but they really want it only after they have thrown it away. Is this simply the embodiment of the cliché, "you don't know what you've got until it’s gone"? I really want to be a bitch about it since these lyrics are in my head:
You know you tore me up / You really wore me out / I swear I cried so much / That I nearly drowned / ... / Now its you who calls / And me who's never home / / Who's cryin now? / Knowin it’s too late / To get us back together / ... / Who's cryin now? / Who's lonely? / Now who's sad?
But instead the majority of the time I react much differently and with a lot more anger. I end up feeling things like:
If I'm so important now, why the hell didn't you care then?
If you've always thought I was so great, why the hell did you feel so comfortable using me the way you did?
If you've always liked who I am, why the hell did you make such a fool of me?
If all you can give me are excuses for the past, how the hell do you expect me to see anything new?
But then again...I guess that's a pretty bitchy attitude as well...
I knew what I was leaving behind when I left San Diego and went to grad school. I hated leaving and I did so kicking and screaming the entire way. But I felt compelled to do so if I was serious about my career path. Unfortunately the grad school experience has done nothing but repeatedly let me down and makes me question my ability to ever make a difference in this field.
Living on the East Coast has once again changed my personality from the Princess most people in my life know (and love, I hope). This is the third time I've parked myself over here and I have just never been able to call it home. It takes a special person to be able to call both coasts home and that just isn't me. The lifestyles are very different and they are very distinct. I miss the one I had in the West where it was easy to smile and my eyes sparkled when I did. Out here I can smile but it’s just not the same. Put a picture of me from SD next to a picture of me here and they look more like sisters than the same person.
I'm not just pitying myself for the past, or being homesick...I'm Me-sick these days. I want the old me back - the one that hardly needed sleep, always found the fun in things, and loved living life, even on the bad days.
Posted by Princess Cat at April 13, 2005 04:01 PM @ 04:01 PM in Drama // Permalink