So, its no secret around here that I have horrific relations with my immediate family. With the holidays coming quickly, the anxiety of perhaps having to see them is building by the day.
Even as a fully grown adult, I feel like I am reliving my teenage years every time I am around them. I can't quite figure out if it is because we are stuck in the same dynamic where I want something completely different than they do or if it is because the issues of those years are still so unresolved. Probably a little bit of both. Probably not all that unique either ... raise your hand if your family isn't dysfunctional ...
So what do you do about it? And how do to stop it from continuing to fuck up your life?
I have had an itch to write each one of them a letter explaining my side of the relationship and why I have chosen to withdraw so far. But I keep asking what good could possibly come of it? On the other hand, isn't is okay if nothing good comes of it? We are in a pretty bad place as it is, maybe the words in black and white without a personal confrontation will give them an opportunity to see something that they haven't before? You can't expect people to understand you if you don't give them the opportunity to, right?
It would be delusional to think that anything I wrote to my dad would lead to a divorce from his wife (even though he never should have married her) or to my mom would change her emotional manipulation or to my brother would yield anything other than defensiveness and accusations, so maybe writing letter would be for my own peace than any real hope that things could change.
Part of me feels guilty for even wanting to make things better. The thread of a relationship I have with each of my parents is purely selfish. Partly financial, partly so that there will always be someone that answers the phone. It is superficial and I can't remember the last time I felt genuine deep-seated emotion for either of them that wasn't negative.
Part of me wants to completely close the door and move on, but I am afraid I will lose pieces of my family that I actually do like. I can't stand the idea of admitting defeat and letting them talk about me like they do my aunt ... the one that walked away and started her own family and didn't really look back.
Maybe I just have too much time on my hands to dwell on what will never be since the family I chose will be gone for so many more days still...
...I'll doze off safe and soundly, but I'll miss your arms around me....
I definitely don't recommend writing any letters to send. You can write them, but I wouldn't recommend sending unless you are ready to have a 99,9% chance that the relationship will be severed. I wrote the letter to my dad and well, I haven't talked to him since Jan of 2006. He called my mom this past May and it was obvious that he still missed the point of the letter.
Posted by: Dorothy at October 28, 2009 09:35 PMI think your aunt that walked away and never looked back had the right idea. I have done the same with several family members. Believe me it's better for all concerned.
On the other hand, if you are financially dependent on them, you're going to have to make some changes of your own to cut the umbilical so to speak.
The truth will set you free. Tell the truth as you see it in what ever way you see fit and then move on from there.
You are well educated, attractive, intelligent and articulate so finding a good job shouldn't be a problem if your willing to move to where the job is.
My 2 cents. I hope things work out for you. Take it from an old fellow that put up with many family mmbers shit for way too long. The sooner you get the bullshit out of your life, the happier you will be.
How's that marriage thing working for you? Good I hope.
Joe
Posted by: Assrot at October 29, 2009 06:14 PMA letter gives them ammo. They'll know without realizing it maybe, exactly which buttons to push.
Walking away sucks but the long term benefits might surprise you once you live without the constant pressure.
And you seem to have a good life with the start of a good family now.
Posted by: rsm at October 30, 2009 01:44 PM