A Swift Kick & A Band-Aid

Holiday Weekend

So my holiday weekend was, as I mentioned, full of mundane, tedious, and frustrating tasks but it was a productive one...

I helped a friend move his stuff to the area...

I helped someone else drive all over kingdom come looking for a place to move into next weekend. (Which was oh so fun with a codependent dog with severe separation anxiety)...But he found a nice place so it was all worth it in the end...

I got a new aquarium set up with a big, fat, Blue Convict (a type of South American Chiclid) swimming around inside. There were supposed to be two new tanks but the second did not arrive on schedule. It will be set up in the coming weeks with several different types of shark swimming around for my amusement...I'll post some pics of them once they are up and running...

Bought yet another book I will only partially read for my summer school course...

Finished writing my paper for class tonight...

And, the best part of the weekend...the following statements/conversations:

I'm pretty sure that biker bitches have good pussy too...

Driving down the street, just before dusk, in a light drizzle of rain that refuses to go away...
A: (excited) You could have rented that house! (pointing to a large, new looking home, in the middle of a hard to find grassy area)
B: (with overwhelming sarcasm) Yeah...and I could run naked into traffic with butter on my ass...

Ah...the joys of random conversation...

Memorial Day

Unfortunately I was not able to perform any ritual or enjoy a celebration this weekend...my time was spent completing much more mundane, tedious, and utterly frustrating tasks. However, I do not want today to go by unnoticed. I saw the rolling thunder and many service related flags and I longed to recognize those who deserve it so much. Instead, I will do my best to honor one man...

Dear Grandpa,

I visited our history last week. The plaques are a little more worn than they used to be but they are still there, overlooking the Ohio River. I was lost and asked for directions - no one hesitated in responding, they knew just who I meant when I asked to see the reminders of our past. It made me proud. Your brother has made a great name for himself as an honest farmer and his son is carrying on in the same tradition. But I'm sure you already know.

Today is a day I stop to thank you for your service to our country. Your service in the Korean War will always be remembered; your service in so many war torn areas ever apparent in their history. The Army knew you as a Lt. Colonel, but your family knew you as a great man. You are now a legend to my generation - something we chase but never entirely grasp. I wish I could hear your stories of life in Germany or Japan after WWII. I wish I could do more to show you how much you mean to our family and so many others. I wish more that I could have met you. You were taken from us all so early, with so much more life to life and so much more soldiering to do.

Thank you for all that you provided to the world, our country, and to my father in the time that we were graced with your life. Maybe you be at peace where ever you are in this world.

Happy Memorial Day!

Reality

I have always known that nothing is as we see it to be... our reality our own, made my the way we choose to see the world. But on some level I believe there are competing realities, some more real than others. Part of what brings people together is sharing a concept of reality...

...I no longer have this comfort...

My reality states that I am a strong and kind hearted individual. The reality of the two people closest to me believes differently.

To one, I am a weak individual - far weaker than she - because I am motivated to grow and change by others in my life. She honestly believes it with her whole hearted self. To her, unwillingness/inability to be entirely self-sufficient is weak. I know what I have been through in my life. I know I have not broken. I know I am strong. My struggle and disappointment has not altered what I believe to be right and wrong. I have not compromised the values I hold dear at my deepest core. I have had the strength to carry on and never be taken off track.

I do not care that she feels her character is stronger than mine. I know myself more intimately than she could fathom she does. I am hurt that she would think such a thing for so long and attack the ways I have helped people (to include her) because they aren't always in my best interest. I am disappointed that my reality is so very different from the reality of someone I held close to me.

To another, I am not a good person any longer. He took the statement back (this time) but it has been said many times over...his reality believes it is true. I will not sit by and let people I care about continue down a path of self destruction or negative behavior when I know that they are capable of more. Apparently this concern is wrong and the expectation of more just too much. I know that I am a good person. I see that his reality is different and I can't fault him for that. He cannot see into my heart where there is no ill will toward anyone - not even those who have done me wrong. All I ever want is fairness. To seek revenge would be to let the offending party have too much of my energy. Call it karma, call it life, call it whatever...those who do wrong will face what they are meant to...it is not my place to make them face it. I can look myself in the mirror and my reality says I am a good person, regardless of what anyone else's says. I just wish I hadn't believed that he saw it my way because the disappointment over being wrong just cuts like a knife...

Can't you stop the lies falling from the skies?
Down on me, I'm still standing.
Can't you roll the dice, I might be surprised,
conscience clear, I'm still standing here.
--Still Standing, The Rasmus

Chinese Zodiac

You Were Actually Born Under:

Full of spunk, you are the original party animal. You bring fun, activity, and stimulation to any event. Self-control is not one of your strong points; you have been known to over indulge. Cheerful and energetic, you can turn the most boring thing into something fun. You are most compatible with a Rat or Dragon.

You Should Have Been Born Under:

You are solid, methodical, and you do things right the first time. Even when no one else does, you always believe in yourself. You tend to see the world in black and white, right or wrong. A good memory and eye for details means you tend to thrive at near impossible tasks. You are most compatible with a Snake or Rooster.

Nice Rack

I realize I don't have the greatest northern assets ever naturally gifted to a woman but today it felt like I do. On at least three occasions I got the "nice rack" look from men today.

It made me smile inside...

Woohoo for boobs!

Independence Air

I don't fly as much as I used to but I've had it up to here with the crap the giant airlines try to pull with their customers. If the prices were lower, I would be more understanding. But when I pay $500 for a flight, I don't expect to be treated like crap. Due to my frustration I've decided to use new airlines as much as I possibly can. For my upcoming trip to San Diego I booked the flight with Independence Air. I've heard good things about them but I was nervous. I haven't even flown on this airline yet and I am loving them more and more.

1. Their site is hella easy to use
2. Their fares are lower
3. They have direct flights were I want to go
4. They assign me a seat (as opposed to Southwest)
5. Their ticket change fee is lower than any other airline
6. It is their policy to give you credit for a fare you cancel (like Southwest)
7. There are no blackout periods for award travel
8. They provide you with estimated wait times at all airports they serve.
And the reason I'm writing this entry...
9. They changed my flight time by 30 mins on the outgoing flight and 10 mins on the returning flight and they e-mailed me to tell me! AND they gave me the option to cancel my ticket because of the change.

These guys are awesome! Go book your next flight with them at www.flyi.com!

Natasha Bedingfield

I Am Unwritten, Can't Read My Mind, I'm Undefined
I'm Just Beginning, The Pen's In My Hand, Ending Unplanned

Staring At The Blank Page Before You, Open Up The Dirty Window
Let The Sun Illuminate The Words That You Could Not Find
Reaching For Something In The Distance
So Close You Can Almost Taste It
Release Your Inhibitions

Feel The Rain On Your Skin
No One Else Can Feel It For You
Only You Can Let It In
No One Else, No One Else
Can Speak The Words On Your Lips
Drench Yourself In Words Unspoken
Live Your Life With Arms Wide Open
Today Is Where Your Book Begins
The Rest Is Still Unwritten

I Break Tradition, Sometimes My Tries, Are Outside The Lines
We've Been Conditioned To Not Make Mistakes, But I Can't Live That Way

Staring At The Blank Page Before You, Open Up The Dirty Window
Let The Sun Illuminate The Words That You Could Not Find
Reaching For Something In The Distance
So Close You Can Almost Taste It
Release Your Inhibitions

Feel The Rain On Your Skin
No One Else Can Feel It For You
Only You Can Let It In
No One Else, No One Else
Can Speak The Words On Your Lips
Drench Yourself In Words Unspoken
Live Your Life With Arms Wide Open
Today Is Where Your Book Begins

Refusing to be Herded

Even though its been a while since the place was updated I was reading this story over at Bastard Sword...

It was posted under science but I took away from it was something different. It seemed appropriate these days, in fact... Never be afraid to stand out and be different. It may be lonely for a while and you might face a tougher trail but in the end, you may be right. And if you're lucky, you may be right enough for it to matter beyond your own pride.

So often we believe that the consensus is right - how could so many smart people all be wrong in the exact same way? Probability may say that the likelihood is low but it still happens...and sometimes you can just tell. Something in your gut knows that it has happened. But most people, most of the time, are afraid to go with that hunch. Perhaps they don't trust themselves or they don't want to face the potential ridicule? But why? The concept of group think whereby a less than optimal decision is often made in group settings is well established. But we don't believe it actually happens?

You become marked when you buck the system, your name blackened, and your head painted with a target for those in charge. That stigma can be lasting and painful but sometimes it is necessary. Of course, choose your battles wisely but be different when it can make a difference...in solving a repeated injustice...in correcting misdeeds...in pointing out an error in consensus conclusions...It doesn't have to be a gesture as grand as those by Rosa Parks or Martin Luther King, Jr but your struggle, no matter how small, may mean a world of difference to those yet to come.

So go out and if the system is screwing with you, screw with the system...

Letters

The morning has been full of learning the appropriate chain of command and drafting letters to get things moving. This bastard instructor is using up way too much of my blogging time...

Sci/Tech BS, pt 2

So, my "I'm too good to answer my students' emails" Sci/Tech instructor sent out a mass mailing today explaining what he expected of our papers and thus why we ALL received poor grades in the course. Well his 'criteria' were complete and utter shit. Four bullet points, one of which was essentially stating we should spell correctly. The other said we should use sound reasoning. Thank you Captain Obvious! His first 'criteria' was something he NEVER mentioned to us:

I looked for references to the themes and conclusions from the course. In the seminars, we discussed different models for innovation, decision-making, and for linking science/technology to national security. If there were no references to any of the material discussed in the class or to the assigned readings, it counted against the grade. The final essay was in lieu of an exam, but a requirement to demonstrate familiarity with the subject matter and readings remained.

Well, Mr. "I knew what every student planned to write about before hand and didn't argue with them on it" ... You failed to mention this. And no, we did not need to assume you wanted us to do it. It is not uncommon for final research papers to be independent projects. Each and every one of us discussed the topic and goals of our paper with you at least twice. If this was one of your expectations, how come NO ONE knew about it? Oh...that's cuz you didn't tell us...

Little do you know Mr. Instructor...I am queen of bucking the system at this institution and I no longer fear rocking the boat. It's not just me that's pissed off this time...I'm rallying my classmates and we will have retribution...

House Rules

I don't have many rules that MUST be followed in my house but one of them was violated today.

I pulled back the curtain after taking a shower and saw a black spot on my mirror. Upon close inspection I discovered it was a nasty black spider. This would NOT be tolerated.

Rule: Crawly things serve a purpose and thus shall be left alone to do their duty in the ecosystem, so long as they are outside. Crawly things that enter my house are immediately on death row and shall be executed immediately upon discovery. (Unless they are really icky in which case I will scream until someone else kills them or freak out until I can discover some method for killing said crawly thing without touching it).

Today's offender was immediately met with several blasts of windex that caused him to twitch, slide down the mirror, and then be squashed by the paper towel I used to absorb the cleaner that had collected in the gap at the bottom of the mirror.

...I did get a clear mirror out of the deal...

Character: Lin Lin

Lin Lin was the type of woman that still considered herself a girl. Her life resembled a rollercoaster, but never the kind that gains top billing at the amusement park. She was the roller coaster that people rode when the line was too long for the one they really wanted to ride. The loops were not exhilarating enough and the drops not frightening enough to thrill the true fanatics. Her highs burned bright but brief, like a shooting star. They were recognized by only a few and very rarely ever the same few twice. Her lows were long and lasting, like an endless winter that promises to block out the sun for more months than the calendar says it should. Nothing too tragic ever happened to her so this extreme too went generally unnoticed in the world. She was too average to be great and too fortunate to be worth sympathy, leaving her to fall through every crack life afforded to society.

Her trust in people had waned so far that she trusted people whom she'd never met far more than she trusted those who dared say they love her. Those were the worst kind of people. They used it as an excuse for everything. They were always asking her to forget the wounds they had caused because they loved her. It wasn't the strangers who had betrayed her; it was always the ones she told herself never would. But somehow, she continued to let them. All the while she knew deep down that she couldn't ever completely forgive their transgressions, no matter how many times she told herself that she had.

Tonight, as she stood in the bathroom waiting for the shower to heat up, she felt more lost than usual. She stood in front of the mirror but she was in a daze and never saw her reflection looking back at her. Suddenly she realized that there was no reflection to see because hot steam had filled the room and completely fogged the mirror. She undressed, tied her hair in a knot, and stood at the edge of the tub, attempting to cool the now scalding water. Finally she was able to touch the water without yanking her hand away in pain and she climbed into the lonely enclosure.

The water that had burned her fingers just moments before somehow felt cold as it landed on her skin. She hugged her arms close across her breasts with her back to the water, begging her body to warm against the chill in the air. Her pleas went unanswered no matter how many times she turned the knob to release more hot water. The temperature rose but her body remained numb to the heat. She wanted to cry but no tears would fall. Resigned to a lackluster experience, she abandoned her hope for a relaxing and refreshing escape. She ran the soapy sponge over her body but hardly felt its touch. She rinsed away the bubbles and let her hair down, motionlessly standing under the water for a long time. The need to wash her hair finally occurred to her and she complied with the urge to do so. It felt tedious and monotonous. Once she was finished she wasn't even sure she had done it. Maybe she had just dreamed it so vividly that she believed she had done it. Either way, she ran conditioner and a comb through it before rinsing it once again.

She knew that she was clean, the basic purpose of taking a shower had been satisfied, but she stood under the water hugging herself again. She twisted left and right at the waist, forcing the water to dance down her back in new patterns as she tried to come up with a legitimate reason to remain so secluded. Nothing came to mind. She turned off the water, wrapped herself in a towel, and stepped out of the shower with new emotion in her heart. Now, instead of hopeful that she had found a brief shelter she felt disappointment. Even the shower had let her down today. But still, no tears escaped from the place that they hid in deep inside her soul.

Moving

I've spent the last couple of days trying to help people move to the area and I have to say the only thing I hate more than moving is moving someone else. The only thing I hate more than that is packing... Packing, regardless of how wonderful the reason I'm packing, is the bane of my existence. I'm great at it - but I hate it with every ounce of my being. That being said, when it comes to moving... inefficient use of space, disorganization, and wasting time are my hugest pet peeves. To make matters worse, the girl that was moving had her mom there to 'help.' UGH! This was a nightmare.... 4 people all trying to pack one 10ft truck and tell each other the best way to do it. I don't really know the girl that well so I initially stood aside and did what I was told. Finally I had enough of people debating on things for 30 mins every time something was taken to the truck and I just jumped in. They brought stuff out and I put it in the truck. End of complication, for the most part. Her mom kept trying to jump in from time to time but the mom-wrangler kept her occupied most of the time. We finished packing up the truck just as it started to rain. I stood out in it for a few minutes because it just felt so cleansing.

We drove the truck up to DC bright and early the next morning (read: at my least favorite time of day) in the middle of a huge downpour. I ended up sleeping in the passenger’s seat of the moving truck for about an hour or so...so it wasn't all bad. Once we got there things were sort of the same so I just hopped in the truck and started unloading. Now I'm known as Ms. Delegation...

Things took a lot longer than planned so I ended up going straight from there to my summer school class last night. I was most definitely not thrilled about that but nothing could be done. I came home, had some wine, and everything was all good.

Unfortunately I get to do the same thing again in 2 weeks for someone else...

Creative Writing

Things that just keep happening in my life have me a little upset and stressed out at the moment so I have decided to take up creative writing again as a way to distract myself from the annoyances.

I don't have a storyline developed just yet but I am in the process of developing characters. You should be seeing them introduced one by one in the coming weeks. Be sure to look for them under the category "Story Time."

St. Louis

Lil Bro has not finally and officially graduated from Washington University with a B.S. in Biomedical Engineering and a minor in economics (So proud...he's following in my footsteps on that one).

There were two ceremonies, one Thurs afternoon, the other Fri morning, that were everything graduation should be expected to be...long, drawn out, only semi-organized, but a proud moment for all. On Thurs one of the valedictorians made a very subtle reference/joke about this video which I of course understood and promptly laughed at as my family looked at me in a state of complete and utter confusion. I then discovered I am an 'engi-nerd' for catching the reference. Friday graced us with a speech from Richard Gephardt that rambled on before wrapping up in a 20 min diatribe that made undeniably clear he is cut from the political cloth. I really don't remember much of what he said in specific but I shook my head a lot at the time...so apparently I disagreed with him... It was cold...I was in a short, sleeveless dress...and there was a 'draft' ... my mind was not on his speech... ;o)

Friday night brought the graduation reception for which I did the decorations. People were impressed and loved the custom printed M&M's to commemorate the occasion. My only disappointment about the night was my lack of total inebriation at the end of the night. But, good times were still had by all... tossing mixed nuts across the room to see if they would land in one girl's cleavage... watching my mom play 3 man with the 22 year old... watching my aunt speedily stumble her way from the game of 3 man to various anchor points across the room as she came to join slur in our conversation with stories of my childhood... Lil Bro with confetti in his hair... His friends drunkenly crashing the Boeing party next door (and coming back disappointed over the lack of available women)...

Good times were had in the casino but eventually everyone had lost enough money for the night. We ended up in my cousin's room with a sink full of beer, practicing our 21 skills with cheezits/cheetos/animal crackers until the boys were so worn out they fell asleep one by one at the table. Then it was just me and his wife talking until 5am.

Saturday brought the family together for 'brunch' and then a Budweiser tour for a few of us. We didn't get to see the bottling portion of the plant since there had been a spill a few days before and things hadn't been reopened to the public but there was free, fresh beer at the end so I was willing to forgive them...this time...

Sunday was time to say goodbye...and had in store a rather long drive back to Virginia... it was rather anti-climactic since people were more stressed about packing up Lil Bro’s apartment and getting him moved out but such is to be understood. I only had my feelings hurt for a few minutes until I remembered that I paid very little attention to anyone following my graduation either…(then again, I was somewhat hungover…)

Overall, it was a good trip to see the family and I was very happy to see the aunts & uncles & cousins again. They are definitely the best part of being a member of this family...

Not Dead

I swear I'm not dead...the past couple of days have been a nightmare in the making so blogging went by the wayside. I'll be back later today to blog my little heart out...there are just too many things to write about and I don't know where to start.

Be back soon, loyal subject...soon...

Armed Forces Day

I missed the opportunity to blog about this very important day while I was away so I'll do my best to honor our troops in a belated post.

Today we have troops, not just in Iraq, not just in Kuwait, not just in Afganistan, but in many places across the globe. Some may feel forgotten or resent those that march in protest of war. Some may be safer than others and some may be coming home sooner. Some have never had the much desired opportunity to defend our country themselves and wish to join their fellow military overseas but, they cannot. Some long for things we take for granted in our lives.

I'm Home! (almost)

I've made it back to the East coast... I'm not quite home yet but more important than that...I've made it back to a stable blogging environment...

Thank you goes to Blog-daddy for keeping the loyal subjects entertained in my absence. Great job on the car...it's everything I've been looking for!

Things in St. Louis with the fam went as could be expected but I'll tell you all about that later. Right now I have to go figure out what's wrong with this picture...

I came home to find the blog is in one piece, everything still in its place, and its quiet...too quiet... This is not what I expected to find... No plastic cups strewn about? No strategically placed flowers to cover the scratch on the dining room table? Not even the slightest sign of a drunken smoke filled poker tournament...
I'll have to go figure out what is lurking behind this blanket of peace Eric has so masterfully spread through the place...

...starting with the liquor cabinet...

Advertising...

... you know, I used to think that Skippy's sidebar photo of the hot devil-chick was the bomb... but, I have to say... his latest banner kicks ass, people...

... hey, I'm just saying...

UPDATE! UPDATE!

"So, for the remainder of May and all of June, if you visit my site, you will be exposed to large, veiny udders. If this offends you...hopefully I'll see you back in July. And if you like it, you are one sick bastard."

... they say these things come in 3's... Lord, help us...

The REAL Princess Cat...

... hello, Swift Kick Minions... Eric from SWG here... the lovely Miss Cat has asked me to handle the reins for a while as she enjoys a holiday...

.. I was wondering what y'all might like to see here... and then, it hit me like a freight train... you guys probably want to know what the REAL Princess is like... right?... well, having met her, I feel I might be able to shed a wee bit of light..

... for instance, while strolling through DC with her, I was truly impressed with her wit and intelligence.... guys, she's a real keeper... but she is also keen on military and political affairs... a very pleasant surprise... as we strolled the Mall, I couldn't help but imagine that when she finally starts commuting around DC, she'd love to have one of these babies... I think it'd suit her personality perfectly... oh, yeah...

Blog-Sitter

I am once again being called away from my comfy little corner of the world and must leave you, dear readers. As I alluded to earlier this week, I am off to destroy enjoy St. Louis courtesy of my parents in order to celebrate the little brother's graduation from college. I don't anticipate being able sober enough to blog from my remote location but I will try to call home to say hi if I can...

Though, fear not... my absence is only temporary and I shall leave you in the capable hands of Eric, the one and only Straight White Guy, who has so graciously accepted my request plea for a blog-sitter.

I've never trusted the place to a blog-sitter before so let’s hope he does well with the keys.... for your sake... ain't nothin he can break too badly in this place... I can't afford all that fancy stuff (a coordinated house just gets in the way of my drinking and shopping budgets!)

So big, bad, blog daddy...the place is all yours...
I'll see ya'll some time next week...

Sci/Tech BS

A previous blog of mine managed to grab some attention from the university administration back in February as I complained about a couple of the professors and against better judgment, I'm here to do it again...

Previously I had expressed some displeasure and reservation over an instructor without teaching experience...I felt bad once the course got more underway because he seemed to get a little better idea of how to run things...well now I feel more justified in my hesitation and complaint that he lacked experience in this setting. I had a 4.0 for the semester until this jackoff submitted my grade...

If I earned a bad grade, fine...I earned a bad grade. But there is no way in hell that I earned this grade from him. I am an excellent writer and I was highly participatory. An A- is the bare minimum this guy should be giving me and even then I'd be a little pissed considering the vagueness of his rubric.

We submitted a written midterm assignment and despite our repeated requests for them to be returned, they never were. No attempt was made on his part to indicate his level of satisfaction with our work. I have no idea what my grade on the midterm was. We wrote research papers on a topic of our own choosing. I worked with him on the topic prior to writing it and he was rarely responsive. When I talked with him he never told me not to write it, he simply said it would be a difficult paper and should be interesting to read. It was difficult but it was a damn good comparative analysis of competing security concepts and how the US should proceed in making a trade-off. That grade was never returned either. All we were left with was the final grade posted online either yesterday or today.

So I'm going to stand by my original analysis and believe my instincts...
Mr. Science, Technology, & National Security Professor... YOU SUCK!

I will demand an explanation and I will not rest until I am satisfied. Sooner or later this school will learn, I am not a sheep and I will not be herded. I have a voice and I intend to use it.

Dining in Company

Do you ever have a meal with someone and they look across the table at you like you're a complete freak? Well I have...

First off, I sometimes eat some kind of weird food. This generally gets some kind of, "are you serious?" kind of expression. Example, whole grain toast with cottage cheese on top. I personally love the stuff. I let the bread cool a little bit so it is warm, not hot, and then drop some cold cottage cheese on top. It's a wonderful mix of warm and cool, crunchy and smooth. Not to mention the relative health benefits of eating that for breakfast instead of something more traditional. Its low fat, it's got protein, good carbs, calcium, fiber... Another example, Japanese pickles...not the sweet kind though... Mom... they are little crunchy bites of salty goodness... But if you get the wrong brand they end up too mushy or too sweet so you have to be careful about buying them.

Second, when eating with people I'm not really familiar with I tend to eat really slowly and I often don't finish my food (sometimes I only eat about half of what was on the plate). This probably isn't really as bad as most people take it, but it is out of character for the American culture. This usually garners some kind of skeptical or worried look from the people across the table. I assume they are worried I didn't like the food or that I don't feel well. It's not really out of nervousness...I guess I just have more to think about than the food since I tend to talk more during those meals.

Third, when I'm eating with someone that has usually only seen me under the circumstances listed in #2 and they see me finish up the whole plate. This usually gets some kind of comment like, "wow...you were pretty hungry..." since they have never seen me eat that much. Of course, this comment makes me hugely self-conscious and feel like a pig...but it is a natural reaction for them. Example, I went to a late-night snack with a guy and didn't finish my chicken strips. Next week we went to lunch before seeing a movie and I slowly ate my salad, ultimately not finishing it. I think we may have had a sandwich together once after that but I don't remember. But we went to Denny's one weekend before seeing a movie and I was starved. I had been out late the night before getting my drink on and kickin' up a little sawdust on my halo. More than likely I hadn't had much dinner the night before because I traditionally don't - dinner usually slips my mind when it is full of thoughts of handsome cowboys...*swoon* In any case, it was probably noon or 1p by this time...I didn't realize how hungry I was until the food arrived and I wolfed it down. He sat silent for most of the meal and gave me a few, "who the crap are you?" kind of looks. I was hungry dammit!!

So future dining company...No, I am not a complete freak...and if you think so while we're at the table, here's my explanatory proof that I'm not. I shall refer you to this page in the event that you disagree.

Any Marine

A few weeks ago I wrote several cards as part of the Any Soldier program and this morning I got an e-mail from a Marine stationed in Iraq. I write specifically to Marines since they are the branch I am most familiar with. Lil Bro K loves to give me crap about that since he's in the Army...always telling me what makes them better and all that good stuff...

Anyhow...it's a moment of excitement for me...(1) the cards are actually getting there, (2) I made a difference in someone's day.

When I wrote the cards I didn't really know what to say but I guess I said something right...

Thank you can go a long way...so go spend the $0.99 on a card and $0.37 on a stamp to tell someone they are missed back home and appreciated so far away...

'Dr. Nanny' Professors

Last time I checked, I am matriculated in a graduate level program at a fairly respectable institution of education. So why do I keep running into these Dr. Nanny type professors? Who am I talking about? Professors like the two that have e-mailed me their syllabi for summer/fall courses.

Prof 1: Class meets once per week for two hours. At each class students are required to have written a one page paper in reaction to the week's assigned reading. (This assignment is in addition to two research papers, one to be 20pgs & one to be 30pgs - to be accompanied by class presentations)

Prof 2: Class meets once per week for two hours. 48 hours prior to each class meeting students are required to have submitted two questions regarding the week's assigned reading.

I am shocked and appalled by these requirements. No, they aren't difficult and they could easily be completed without much additional effort. I object to these requirements on pure principle. I am an adult in a seminar where I expect to learn and discuss with my peers. I am not an undergrad taking a class because the university said I have to. I chose to go to grad school and I expect to be treated like a capable adult with good decision making skills. If I don't do the reading for class, my participation will indicate that. I don't need a professor to check up on me any more than that. I am responsible for my grade and my learning so let me make my own decisions about how I choose to go about achieving them.

I see the same things happening in undergraduate programs around the country as well. Friends that have not yet graduated are coming to me with professors that are asking for similar 1pg assignments twice or three times per week. It just drives me crazy. Why does the education system insist on holding a student by the hand? University level instructors should know by now that if a student can't manage to learn the material on his own, he's not going to. They aren't doing anyone any favors. When's the last time your boss held your hand that closely? Because submitting questions for the board meeting 48hrs in advance is such standard practice...

As far as I'm concerned...Let the students figure it out and if they fall on their face, they fall on their face...

Who knows that the real reason they like to check up on their students is... maybe they have no confidence in their ability to motivate students to adequately care about the subject... maybe it is their way of checking to see if they are actually getting through to the students... maybe they are insecure about their ability to lead a discussion and must have it planned prior to the class meeting... maybe they just have a power trip and know that they can make the students do it... maybe they are just unreasonable pricks...

Maybe I'm not taking your classes... I want a seminar, not nap time with the nanny.

Scars

I don't have too many of these bad boys but I have a couple with some pretty interesting stories. Today we shall visit the story of how I was stabbed...

In high school I was part of a cadaver class - one of seven programs in the country at the time. How I got there is a story for a different day. Anyhow, my dissection group consists of 3 pairs... 1 pair to dissect the head and neck, 1 pair to dissect the trunk, and 1 pair to dissect from the hip downward...I was part of the pair at the south end. Our first task was to remove all of the skin from the body in order to expose the underlying muscle.

Dissection kit full of sharp and pokey things, surgical gloves, and lots of embalming fluid...a dangerous combination...

I had my hands in the inner thigh region trying to remove a panel of skin... My partner was trying to do something similar on her side... Her hand slipped and her scalpel plunged through the skin panel and into my finger. She didn't realize what she'd done and neither did I really. I could feel a deep ache in my finger and a stinging sensation up my arm. I took my hand out of the body and looked at the glove... I saw a cut in the glove but my finger hadn't really started bleeding yet. I went to the sink to check things out and my partner went to get the instructor from the other room. A multitude of chemicals were poured in the wound to prevent some kind of bizarre disease from taking hold of my body and that was it...

The school nurse was no where to be found and we had stopped the bleeding. I went home after school and went about my day with cotton and a band-aid on my finger. When my mom came home and saw it...I was in TROUBLE... I was lectured for the use of bleach to kill any threatening organism we didn't know about and the lack of medical attention. I never got stitches and looking back I most definitely should have... the scare proves that...

I'm damn lucky that nothing more vital was damaged...like a nerve...or a tendon... But I've got a wicked story!

On A Roll...

In the course of one day I have managed to accomplish the following projects:

Finish my final assignment of the semester and transport it to its new home with the professor on campus. (I noticed while I was there that the same assignment my friend had turned in early - last Thursday - was still sitting in the inbox to be picked up by the prof...)

Go shopping for something mom's forgotten she asked for and will earn lots of points for remembering. (I got myself a new Japanese book while I was there too...can't go shopping and not get something for yourself)

Solve 4 crises - only 1 of which was mine (which happened to be one I had help from Pops on)...

Put in the works solutions to at least 2 other problems...

Turn a friend on to a new artist...

Damn, it's been a full day! No wonder I'm tired. So please excuse me while I go give myself a pedicure ... I think I've earned one ... and I simply must have dazzling toes as I prance around St. Louis in my strappy heels this weekend....

If you're lucky, I'll even take pics of the little red devils ...

Firefox

Motivated by Sadie's ever loudening screams about IE, I broke down went to get Firefox.

Download... Install...install...intall... Check out my blog...

HOLY CRAP! It looks waaaay different. Who knew? (Don't answer that...)

So now I'm looking at my blog going...uh...this isn't exactly how I intended it to look... uh... does this mean I have to redesign it? um... why do I think this is going to make sadie mad? errr.... help?

So if you start noticing a bunch of changes again...you've been warned.

Change Is In Order

So I've been told I should post more entries... it got me to thinking, why don't I post more often? It's a silly answer really...I've been blogging scared.

Too many times I have looked at my blog afraid to write because of what someone I know might think...or for fear that I may reveal just a little too much about myself that I can never cover over again...or out of insecurity that no one will want to read my ramblings...

Well no more. I'm a talker and I'm a blogger, my blog should reflect that I can't shut up (ever...even when I probably should). I have had a rather unique path in life that has snaked through many different avenues and it's interesting dammit! If you don't think so, you're either hella cool and I should hang out with you more often or you're just a stick in the mud with no sense of how fun non-conformity can be.

Some people have told me that I project a negative image online and that I am misrepresenting myself that way. Well...I like to bitch, I like to rant, and I am ok with people knowing about it. I'm not ashamed of my negative side cuz if you want me to believe that you're happy all the time, I'll believe you're a liar instead. I don't always talk about the good times as much as I should but I live them, I bathe in the pleasure they bring, and I treasure them close to my heart. They are for me, not for you. So accept that my blog is for bitching and quit telling me it makes me look like a bitter person...get to know me and you'll see more than the choppy seas you found on first glance.

One more thing, music is one of my many voices. I am touched, inspired, and connected to music. Those lyrics will always be an expression of my mood, my experiences, and my life...if you think that's cheesy, bring crackers...things will go down better while you're reading my blog.

Now...all that being said...no more scaredy cat...

My blog, my life, my rules. Deal with it or stop reading.

A Gift

Today I was given a wonderful gift...I was able to meet, in person, my blog father - the Straight White Guy and his lovely wife. We spent a relaxing day perusing memorials and strolling on the Mall. We were also able to see the Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec exhibit at the National Gallery of Art before enjoying some delicious seafood and drinks at Legal Seafoods.

For those of you who have not met the SWG but think you know him, think again. He is far more kind and generous than you will ever know from just reading his blog...a true pleasure to meet, to say the least. I'm not sure who the meeting meant more to but I was thrilled to death to play tour guide.

It is no secret that things have been weighing heavily on my shoulders in the past few months but today was just what I needed to unwind a little bit. The weight of the world feels just a little bit lighter and it feels ok to have hope for the world after spending the day with these two wonderful people. They are two whom embody everything that is good in the world...and don't let them tell you any different!

Sunless Tan

Ladies, if you're looking for a sunless tanner that won't turn you into a bright orange oompa loompa that wandered a little too far from Willy Wonka's chocolate factory...look no further!

Neutrogena Instant Bronze Streak-Free Foam - sunless tanner and bronzer in one (I used the medium level color).

It was an Allure reader’s choice award winner but I didn't know that until after the fact. I'm not sure if that would have sold me on it when I saw it sitting on the shelf but hey...maybe it means something one of you readers...

Let me add this by saying I'm so white I might as well be clear. I wear the lightest shade Clinique makes. Getting me to tan is like trying to get an elephant into your dog house...it just ain't happenin. Another problem of mine? A lot of cosmetics turn orange on my skin. So when I say this won't turn you orange, I really mean you won't turn orange.

It goes on fairly easily and dries really quickly. It didn't tan my palms and I'm not streaky. More importantly, I don't look like I tanned 10 shades in 2 hrs.

So it has my stamp of approval...take it for what you will...

Friday the 13th

In case you forgot to consult your calendar, today is the one and only Friday the 13th of the year...

I guess that means things promise to be extra evil today, so watch where you step...avoid ladders and black cats and all that good stuff...

I'll be avoiding my ground floor tonight - who knows what that ghost will be up to tonight. I haven't seen her in a while...and I'm pretty ok with that...

Memories

It's funny what little tricks our mind uses to help us remember things.

For example, I recently had the following conversations:

Him: "Chipotle sounds good right about now."
Me: "Yeah, that would be good right about now...but there isn't one really all that close to me. Oh well."
Him: "Yeah, there's not really near you."
Me: "I think I've only been there once."
Him: "The time before we went to the beach?"
Me: "Wait, were you there?"
Him: "YES! We went to the beach and I dug a giant hole with the bucket and shovel I bought at Ralphs."
Me: "Yeah, I remember that...maybe I've been there twice. I just don't remember when I was there the second time."
Him: "ok..."
Me: "Did Miss Hottie throw up in the bathroom the time that we went?"
Him: "No..."
Me: "Maybe you were buying your beach toys when she did that. But she was hella hungover when we went, right?"
Him: "I don't think so..."

So during that conversation I never did figure out if I had been once or twice. On to the next conversation.

Miss Hottie: "I'm going to have Chipotle for dinner."
Me: "Cool. You know I think I've only been there once."
Miss Hottie: "Really?!?"
Me: "I think...I'm not sure...Was 'Digger' there the time you went and threw up?
Miss Hottie: "No, I don't think he was there..."
Me: "He wasn't at the store or something?"
Miss Hottie: "I don't think so...cuz that was the time we went and ate at the beach. Miss Teacher wasn't there."
Me: "Yes she was...you guys made that face in the sand and I took a picture."
Miss Hottie: "Oh yeah...but I don't think 'Digger' was there that one time..."
Me: "Wait...you're right...we ate at the beach once and at the restaurant once."
Miss Hottie: "Yeah...there was the time at the beach and then the time with the cheese..."
Me: "Hehehe...puking cheese has got to suck..."
Miss Hottie: "Yes, it does....a lot."

So you see? I remember events in rather strange ways...who built what out of sand and who threw up where... Or maybe I just have strange friends...

Something More

Just when you start to calm down and life feels like it's settling itself out, something comes along to jack it all up.

I got an email tonight that just threw a wrench into a lot of the next month's worth of plans. I couldn't help but think, "you've got to be freakin kidding me. This is NOT happening. Not now."

I did what I could to deal with the situation for the time being and then I put my head down on the desk in utter disbelief. Ok, so I dropped my forehead on the desk a couple of times out of sheer frustration. And then this song came into my head...

There's gotta be something more
Gotta be more than this
I need a little less hard time
I need a little more bliss
--Something More, Sugarland

The only thing keeping me from being incredibly angry and disappointed enough to throw up my hands and walk away is hoping (on some deep down level) that these lyrics are true...

I sure as hell hope that there is something more than this cuz I certainly need a little less hard time. Dear Lord do I need a little less hard time...

Finger Food

Have you ever noticed that some food just tastes better when you eat it with your hands? I do.

I find myself eating more and more frozen meals (like lean cuisine types) for three reasons: (1) I'm paranoid about my weight and the little box has my calories calculated for me, (2) I'm lazy, (3) Cooking for one just blows sometimes. They can get a little boring and monotonous to say the least. But eating with my fingers makes it a little bit more fun. Go try it! (Make sure you wash them first...especially if you don't know where they've been!)

Trooper

A friend of mine celebrated a birthday a little while back and had a great story to match so I thought I would share it with you... but we'll skip to the good part of the night...

DISCLAIMER: Gross out potential. Oh, and the names have been changed to protect the innocent

Miss Hottie has been drinkin it up and dancing at her favorite local watering hole with her crew...all of them having a kick ass night. Miss Hottie loves to drink so tonight was no different.

Fast forward

Miss Hottie was dancing with her friend Mr. Nice Guy.
"You're spinning me too much," she says.
"I'm not spinning you at all," he replies.
"Oh... I'll be right back," as she takes off for the bathroom.
She books it to the bathroom, busts open a stall door, and before she can kneel or even lift the seat she loses it ... with perfect aim. She turns to the sink, rinses her mouth out, and returns to her crew. Mr. Nice Guy took her for a couple more spins before closing time.

Mr. Nice Guy was her designated driver as well. So guess what happens on the way home. She pulls a "Dan."
Leaned back in the seat, eyes closed, she says (in her best drunk slur), "whoa...you took that curve waaay too fast."
Both amused and confused Mr. Nice Guy says, "no I didn't."
A few minutes go by...they are almost to their exit.
"Yeah, you're gonna want to pull over," she warns.
"Now?"
"NOW!"
So Mr. Nice Guy pulls over to the side of the freeway and Miss Hottie opens the truck door, leans out (still buckled in), and loses it on the side of the road...with perfect aim.

Mr. Nice Guy gets her up to her apartment where her roommate has her pajamas all ready laid out on her bed for her. But first stop? The bathroom...where she loses it yet again.

Mr. Nice Guy leaves, everyone goes to sleep. She wakes up in the middle of the night and heads to the bathroom. Yep, she's chucking in there. Crawl back to bed and try to get some sleep.

She wakes up in the morning and can't even think of food. When she does, she heads to the bathroom and loses it another time. (Are you keeping count here?)

Unfortunately for her, she had a Doctor's appointment that morning. And she had to take a shuttle bus to get to it. Sux for her. So she arrived at the office, checked in with the receptionist, and promptly found their bathroom so she could chuck one final time.

Need a Drink?

I think the world needs a drink / I think enoughs enough / She's been spinnin around so long / I'd say She's pretty wound up / Let's all calm down sit back relax / Tear up the contracts and save the ink / Yeah I think the world needs a drink
--I Think the World Needs A Drink, Terri Clark

I second the motion, with a big HELL YEAH! So do I...

Pardon me while I try to sleep off my moment of panic.

UPDATE:
Moment of panic complete. Please return to your normally scheduled lives.

My Deadly Sins

I couldn't pass up posting this. It made me laugh too hard not to.

Slow Day

I'm not sure what is going on with the site today but its being all goofy. So just bear with it and it will work its kinks out I suppose. If not, I guess we'll figure it out then...

*shrug*

Back to my procrastination...

Foreign Lands

It's funny how when the person you spend most of your time talking to leaves the country and is out of contactable reach, you find a lot of things to do to fill the time. Of course, I'm not getting nearly enough responsible ones done but I am keeping myself busy nonetheless.

Somehow those moments in between manage to feel just a little extra lonely though, no matter how hard you try to keep those moments from creeping in.

*kicks the in between moments*
Stupid loneliness...

Stupid Flyer

I was bored enough procrastinating this afternoon so much that I decided to read the weekly circular for my local grocery...but I did it online. Some interesting stuff I suppose. I see one thing on a great sale so I decide to go stock up on it. I put on presentable clothes, I march myself to the store, I get the rest of my goods, and the one item I wanted BECAUSE it was on sale...wasn't actually on sale. What the crap people?

Stupid flyer...

Rescuing Animals

Thanks to SWG's story about feeding the stray cat on his trip yesterday I now miss my pets again. I can't have pets where I live now so let’s take a trip down memory lane...

As a kid we rescued/saved each and every one of our family pets.

Dummy - he was a fluffy white cat that my parents already had when I was born. I'm not sure how they came to adopt him but they did somehow. He was as dumb as a stump, hence his name. In actuality, he was probably partially blind or something. If you put food in front of him, he still couldn't find it. He was one of those indoor/outdoor cats so he got to run around the neighborhood a lot. This apparently pissed off one of the neighbors (who was a giant uh... not nice person... on a good day). Dummy went missing for a while and no one knew what happened. Later my parents found him near the backyard, shot dead. We could never prove it, but the neighbor was always the prime suspect.

Lucky - he was a big grey cat with a white chest and boots. He got his name because we almost hit him with our truck. We were driving home from vacation one summer and he was sitting in the middle of the highway. At first, from far away, my dad thought he was trash in the road. As we approached and slowed down, the cat didn't budge. My dad stopped the truck, got out, and picked up the cat. We were out in the middle of farmland but he didn't look like a farm cat. We checked a few houses around but no one had seen him before. That made him ours. He was infested with all kinds of nasty things but once we got him cleaned up at the vet he was good as new. He was an inside cat from then on. He loved our house and got big and fat there. Unfortunately he had a not so bright vet. We never really knew how old he was but he was probably pretty old once he got sick. He started getting sluggish and would howl. He didn't want eat and eventually didn't want to move. We took him to the vet several times but it wasn't until the last visit that the vet realized what was wrong. He ended up on the operating table and just couldn't handle the stress. His body had been through so much that he just didn't pull through. (At least this is what my parents told me)

Little Foot - a black and tan tabby that my mom found as a kitten. He got his name because I had just seen the Land Before Time movie and I loved the main character. Mom worked in the doctor's office in a small town (yes, I said the, as in the only office). The doctor lived in a house across the alley behind the office. One day they had an emergency in the alley and when it was over my mom noticed the kitten. He was very young. Doc said he had been hanging around for a while. Mom went and put him on the Doc's porch so he didn't get hit in the alley. At the end of the day he was still sitting there, exactly where my mom had left him, so she put him in a cardboard box and brought him home. Lucky didn't really appreciate the addition at first but he got used to him after a while. Little Foot has been a hell raiser ever since we got him. The outdoors are the most fascinating thing to him and he always tries to escape. He always ends up coming back but without claws and having lived indoors for nearly his whole life, battling coyotes doesn't sound like a good plan. He lives with my mom still but he's getting daily medical care because his kidneys are just about gone. Poor kitty...

Nugget & Silky - these two kittens were picked up from a friend that was a member of the humane society as soon as they were able to leave their mom. Nugget was a short haired orange tabby. Silky was a long haired cream color. There are lots of stories about these two since they were the pets that I got to pick out as a child. I don't know what happened to them though. When my dad decided to sell the house and move in with his girlfriend (now his wife) he gave them away. It was a seriously traumatic experience because he didn't give them to a family, he took them to the shelter. Taking the time to find a loving family for two adult cats was too much for him to take on and I wasn't told he was giving them away until a few weeks or so before he did. They were very attached to us and each other. Taking them to the shelter and watching them cower in fear as they howled for attention was the most heartbreaking thing I think I've ever done. Supposedly they were adopted together just a week later to a family ... but I will never know for sure what happened to them ...

Heidi - the smartest, most beautiful German Shepard you'd ever meet. My aunt and uncle kept her out on their property when they rescued her from some abusive friends. She never really got any attention so we brought her to our house. She loved playing with us and running around in the California sun. She lived a long and happy life. She got hip dysplasia like a lot of Shepards but she did alright with pain meds. We ended up putting her to sleep because of the cancer instead.

Next time I get a pet, I'll find him/her at the shelter too...

No Shoes, No Shirt...Not Single?

Apparently the beefy Mr. Kenny Chesney is off the market, ladies. That's right, he got married on that little island he lives on in the Carribean, to Rene Zellweger. Fox has a story with very few details.

But all I have to say is... Kenny! How could you? You've just met the girl. I know you've strayed a bit from the rest of the country pack but don't you go giving the whole genre a bad wrap now. What do you think you are...a pop star? Country stars get married and mean it. None of this Brittney "oops I didn't mean it" crap...ok?

Chris Cagle always just seemed a little bit more fun anyway...

Step-Family

So I'm filling in the millions of questions that go along with trying to become a govie and it comes to the section on family... to include step-family. Are you for serious? For serious.

I have to admit being related to these ... uh ... misfits relatives?

Crap...this can't be good for my future in government...

Happy Mother's Day!

I sent flowers to her office and a card to her house but in case you're like my brother and forgot to send something... there's still time! You can send the same Mother's Day greeting he did, Mr. T style.

Go watch it HERE on ifilm.com

SPF & Moisture

Gentlemen, you can stop reading right now as I'm fairly certain you are not interested in the cosmetics section of the drug store...

So ladies...a friend was asking for skin care advice today...
As part of the answer I picked up my moisturizer...my trusty, wonderful, always gives me great skin moisturizer...and there was no SPF rating on it. *GASP* WHAT? This has to be wrong, I thought. Nope...I looked it up on the Neutrogena website...there is no SPF rating for my moisturizer. These bastards! The entire time I have been using it, I have thought I was protecting my skin from the sun.

So now I face a dilemma...I like my combination skin moisturizer by Neutrogena but it is very important to me to protect my skin... Neutrogena doesn't make a combination skin moisturizer with an SPF rating...

Bastards...

Thanks, Dad

The question was posed to me recently...How am I able to be so in touch with my feelings and then describe them in such a logical, straightforward, uncomplicated manner?

At first I didn't know. After contemplating it, I have my dad to thank. All those talks we had when I was a kid helped me to be able to identify my emotions and generally pinpoint their source. It probably worked because he didn't give up until I could give him an answer and lying to my father was just something that I was not built to do. It wasn't a badgering kind of not giving up; it was more of a sympathetic, but persistent nudging. After a while I got better at expressing my emotions in a coherent and understandable way. I knew how I felt and he knew what I meant. The talks with dad got less dramatic in nature and my life felt less out of control. I grew up what I like to consider well adjusted.

So now we have today a Princess Cat that may not always feel like the world is on her side or that there is anything she can do about it...but a Princess Cat that can tell you the specific who/what/when/why/where/how of the situation without making a scene...usually...

Thanks, Dad...

Thanks, Dad...

Owner's Manual, p. 86

Missing Peace

As much as I wanted to keep my personal life off of this blog, I have no where else left to turn. I've been backed into a corner and just can't find peace.

I'm so tired of the advice...
I don't think I can take one more person piping up with what they think my best course of action would be. There are no perfect answers and calling the shots from the sidelines certainly isn't going to yield one. So please, no more comments about what I should do or when...

I am a good person...
I was nothing but nice...
I never said choose...
I offered my heart...

In exchange...

I've been unappreciated...
I've been accused...
I've been ignored...
I've been blamed...
I've been doubted...
I've been snubbed...

I have been betrayed.

I have become a cold, hard, bitch...
And I don't know how to back down...

I did nothing wrong...
I was a kind hearted girl...

So naive...

My deeds did not go unpunished...
The demons returned to torment...
And peace has slipped farther away...

FedEx

I am quickly growing to hate this bunch of incompetent losers... They just keep letting me down.

Back in Feb I used them to send a birthday present and they botched it multiple times.

Now, they are the delivery company for a package I am anxiously awaiting. The transaction looks something like this so far:

Ship date: May 2, 2005
Estimated delivery date: May 5, 2005 by 4:30 pm

May 5, 2005
8:26 am
On FedEx vehicle for delivery
WEST SPRINGFIELD VA

May 4, 2005
8:27 pm
Package in FedEx location
WEST SPRINGFIELD VA

12:52 pm
Package not due for delivery
WEST SPRINGFIELD VA

7:56 am
On FedEx vehicle for delivery
WEST SPRINGFIELD VA

6:50 am
Arrived at FedEx Destination Location
WEST SPRINGFIELD VA

4:43 am
Left FedEx Ramp
DULLES VA

2:22 am
Arrived at FedEx Ramp
DULLES VA

May 3, 2005
2:44 pm
Left FedEx Sort Facility
INDIANAPOLIS IN

4:54 am
Left FedEx Sort Facility
LOS ANGELES CA

May 2, 2005
11:50 pm
Arrived at Sort Facility
LOS ANGELES CA

8:23 pm
Left FedEx Origin Location
CITY OF INDUSTRY CA

3:49 pm
Pre-routed meter pkg picked up
CITY OF INDUSTRY CA

How flippin long would you like my package to float around VA? And what is this "Package not due for delivery" crap after you put it on a truck and drove it around all day?

FedEx SUCKS! NOW GIVE ME MY PACKAGE!

UPDATE: My package was delivered this evening and after much personal temper tantrum throwing over my own subsequent, simpleton mistake, all is well with the package contents.

blank

I hate who I've become...
Trying so hard to find happiness in the little things, just so I'm not so bitter for a few moments out of my day...
My eyes used to sparkle...
I feel abandoned and let down, by my own decisions...
There is so much pain in the world, larger than mine, but I see only my own...
Thinking of myself feels so selfish, the guilt weighs on me...
My content here sux and I'm not inspired to write...
The semester is ending, so many unknowns, my course uncharted...
People are falling around me, and I am powerless to help...
I don't see the glass half empty anymore...
It has fallen and smashed on the ground...

Here I am, once again / I'm torn into pieces / Can't deny it, can't pretend / ... / Broken up, deep inside / But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Cowboy Cha-Cha

Don't ask me why, but I love this dance. I miss it. A lot. The only problem is I only about half know it. I seem to have a terrible ability to forget dance steps. I'd kill for someone who could teach me more of them. And I long for the days when practicing was as easy as going a couple exits down the freeway.

*sigh*

Where have you gone cowboy?

Fingerprints & Boat Rocking

Today has been a fun, fun day.

My director has been giving me troubles over a class I want to take and it’s been severely chapping my hide. Well I've been talking to the instructor and he made statements about the course contrary to what the director did. So what happened? I made the instructor aware of the restrictions the director was putting on the course and he replied with "Let me speak with him and I'll get back to you." Hahaha...it's always a good day when I can rock the boat with the administration.

What else made my day so fabulous, you ask? I'm getting fingerprinted! In a good way. I've been selected as an alternate candidate for an internship in the fall and they are going to work on a clearance for me in case I end up getting it. Woohoo!

Good times, dear readers…good times…

It's So Obvious...

I guess that's what makes it so hard...

I sat on my lazy duff after class tonight and watched House for the first time in 5 months. I have no idea what the overarching storyline is at this point so forgive my lack of details. But as the episode ended I nearly threw the stick from my long since eaten fudgesicle at the TV ... until I remembered it wasn't my TV. He sat there wanting this woman to come back to work and offered her everything in the book ... praise for her skills, more money, a better parking spot, he even offered to listen to her more ... but he didn't offer her what was so flipping obvious ... appreciation for who she was, as a person, not just a doctor. She didn't need to hear she did a good job...she needed to hear that he valued her. She needed to have him swallow his pride. Nothing else would do...and he just didn't understand...

I feel ya, girl... Captain Obvious is on vacation and he didn’t bother to hire a temp...

Grammar Nazi

Apparently I have become a grammar/punctuation nazi. You wouldn't know it from the way I blog or IM but when it comes to academic/official/professional work of some kind... you'd better have your ducks in a row.

People give me their papers to edit and I am more than happy to help them out. Writing is hard and we all feel better if we have someone else read over our work. However, people inevitably get their papers back from me with scores of strike outs, arrows, question marks, and red ink galore. Sometimes they get their feelings hurt but like I used to tell my econ students that thought I was a grading nazi, "It's not about making you feel good, it's about making sure you get it right. And you can hate me now but if you stay in this field, you'll thank me later."

I'm still shocked at basic rules of writing that people don't understand though. Like the rule that says two spaces between each sentence...how do you get that wrong? Type, type type, period, space, space. It's not hard! It's a rule that you ALWAYS follow.

*shakes head in disbelief*

Upgrading

Looks like Miss Sadie is back at designing after her battle with law school finals. I can't wait to see what kind of fantastic aesthetic upgrades she has in mind.

So until she's done, mind the sign about dust and watch your head...

Hand Me Down

Someday they’ll find your small town world on a big town avenue / Gonna make you like the way they talk when they’re talking to you / Gonna make you break out of the shell cause they tell you to / Gonna make you like the way they lie better than the truth / They’ll tell you everything you wanted someone else to say / They’re gonna break your heart, yeah

From what I’ve seen / You’re just a one more hand me down / Cause no one’s tried to give you what you need / ... /

Somebody ought to take you in / Try to make you love again / Try to make you like the way they feel / When they’re under your skin / Never once did you think they’d lie when they’re holding you / You wonder why they haven’t called / When they said they’d call you / You start to wonder if you’re ever gonna make it by / You’ll start to think you were born blind

From what I’ve seen / You’re just a one more hand me down / Cause no one’s tried to give you what you need / ... /

--Matchbox Twenty

The rest of the song just didn't quite feel applicable in my current state of confusion. Yes, I've had a little wine...sue me...

I Was Dumb

Coming home today at 9:30p I had my headphones on as I tried in vain to study for the one final I have left. There was a rather distraught/tired looking fellow a seat over but that's standard in this city so I didn't think anything of it. When we got near my stop he made a quick phone call and then smiled in my direction. I smiled back and went back to putting my things away. He then pulled out an address and asked if I knew where the street was. So I told him I would show him where it was.
We got off the train and exited the station. We started walking toward a dark area with no sidewalk and I veered off to the better lit, paved portion of the road. I walked him to the intersection where I lived and told him exactly where he needed to go. We shook hands and parted ways.
It didn't dawn on me until I was at home making dinner...late at night, strange man I don't know, single girl, few people around... wtf was I thinking?

Little Miss Helpful apparently forgets about the dangers of big city life sometimes...

Bittersweet Finish

My instructor just e-mailed me the feedback on the tough research paper I was stressing over and presented last week. Things came out well but after reading his email, I'm hanging my head in shame...

Paper 3 A: Well written, well researched, and well structured paper on a difficult topic. Your recommendations are well developed and reasonable. Great job overall.

Participation A: Excellent presentation of your paper but I continued to be disappointed in the amount of your participation in the seminar. Please do yourself, your fellow students, and your other instructors a favor by getting more involved during seminars. You were a great pleasure in class. Best wishes in your future endeavors.

My grade will come out pretty well the course...there's no way it can be below an A - if I remember my earlier grades correctly. But that part about him being disappointed just cuts in a way I can't overlook. Usually I wouldn't care how an instructor felt about my performance as long as I was happy with it and I got the grade I wanted... but I respect this instructor more than most... and I disappointed him...

I'm sorry, Lt Col ... I really didn't give you everything I could have ... and I have no excuse but my own foolishness ...

Move Busted...

And so is my toe...

Note to self: Subwoofer & toe are a poor (and painful) combination. Corner impact at velocity (no matter how minimal) underscores this point.

But my toe is a pretty purple color now...

Bust a Move...

Sort of...

I have been itching to move the furniture in my bedroom for a couple of weeks now. Don't ask me why. It's a thing I do. There are times that I become disturbingly unsettled in my surroundings and I long for a change, a new perspective, a transition ... sometimes moving the furniture is the only responsible way I can satisfy it. Commitment issues? Maybe. My subconscious telling me to get off my lazy ass and do something to make my depressing world a little brighter? Probably. Perhaps it is just my way of pretending that I can wipe the slate clean and start over. Or a bizarre lie to myself that I've gotten new furniture without ever spending any money? Who knows...

But I am in the process of upgrading the necessary cables so that my necessary amenities will still remain once the furniture finds its new home this week...

Step Whore Mother Strikes Again

Please allow me to be hateful for a few moments...or however long it takes me to finish writing this post...

Allow me to set the scene...'Lil bro graduates from undergrad in 18 days. The completion of his studies includes two days of fun - a ceremony with the School of Engineering, an all campus commencement, an Engineering School reception, and a reception thrown by my parents. My dad's wife wants to be there for the whole thing...

"Now why is this a problem?" you may be asking yourself... Because she's a bitch. Maybe you're thinking I just didn't give the poor woman a chance...after all, stepfamilies are tough. WRONG! The bitch had her chance and about 15 others after that. It isn't that she is my dad's second wife - I was thrilled to see my parents get divorced. It should have happened 10 years earlier, in fact. She hasn't ever tried to replace my mom, probably because she's the worst parent on the planet...but that's for another day. She took over my dad's life the minute they started dating back in '99. She's had his balls up on a shelf ever since. No offense to anyone from New Jersey but she is your stereotypical gold digging Jersey bitch. Blue collar family with no history of higher education that resents the white collar highly educated family. That should help put things in the right perspective...

My dad married her I guess it’s almost 2 years ago now and I think we've said maybe 2 complete sentences to one another in that time. The night before the wedding I sat in front of the house on the tailgate of my boyfriend's truck crying my eyes out over the situation. He went inside and told my dad he needed to come out and talk to me. My dad came out to find me surrounded by a mountain of tissues, tears promising to continue for a long while. I begged him to tell me why he was marrying her. I got every answer in the book but the one I should have heard. The answer he kept going back to was "we bought a house and we live together, the church says we should be married then." (He started going to church after the divorce). I've always hated that answer and him, in part, for believing it. Once I realized I hadn't heard the one thing I needed to hear, the tears stopped. He never once said he was marrying her because he loved her. When I confronted him his answer was, "well I do." Nice try...

I stood there as part of the wedding party driving a fingernail into my palm to keep from making a scene. During the reception I was asked to give a toast and I didn't make it through one sentence before I burst into tears - and not happy tears... Tears of frustration that something so horrible had just taken place and I was powerless to rectify one ounce of the debacle.

Dad is Mr. Fix-it. She needed fixing. So did her skanked out, loser daughters. A match made in hell as the whore crew sucks money out of his account faster than they do dick off the street.

But back to the scorecard for 'lil bro's grad...
The people who don't like her besides me: ‘lil bro, dad's family (mom & sis), my mom.
The remainder of the people who will be at the reception that she doesn't know: mom's whole side of the family (~12 people).
People she does know & don't hate her: Dad.
Outcome: STAY HOME BITCH!

Wishful thinking I’m sure... I can’t wait to have a few and tell her how I really feel…