A Swift Kick & A Band-Aid

if you don't like the way I'm living today
I'll keep it in mind
as I casually dismiss all you say

Someone has now taken it upon himself to decide my personal feelings are out of place at work and my tendency to be emotional is of concern. So, here goes an open letter:

Oh really?

My words - open for censorship in the spirit of professionalism
My actions - open for censorship in the spirit of professionalism
My emotions - OFF LIMITS!

I can be as unhappy, pissed off, irritated, disappointed, and downright mad about anything and everything I want to be ... so long as my words and deeds meet the standards of decorum.

If you don't like the fact that I cry when explaining someone died and that I am frustrated YOU won't be my advocate for leave ... DON'T. CALL. ME.

I would have much preferred to handle the situation without you but you happen to be the person with the immediate approval authority. I don't like it any more than you do. So deal.

If you want to label me as difficult because I am willing to do my homework and push for the things congress took it upon themselves to put into law on my behalf, that's fine. It is only "difficult" because no one else seems to have read those little acts of congress plainly available for anyone to read ... in pretty colors even. I'd rather be difficult than walked on.

Pardon me if I need a little adjustment period to the idea that things I waited oh, 15 months for can change in one day and that I have to accept the reason, "its the nature of the business." Because you know what? No, it isn't. It is the culture that has gone on for so long that it became force of habit to operate like human capital is worth less than the paper you wipe your ass with. Some things can't be helped, but most of them can ... when people actually want to do their jobs right.

And really, if going into the bathroom and crying helps me come back to my desk with a clear head ... what the hell business is it of yours? It's not like I'm sobbing in public or in a position to compromise a face to face relationship from my isolated corner where no one talks to me. I don't recall that being up there on the list of problems with excessive drinking or smoking pot ... but then again, maybe I am the one that can't read. The day I can't do my work you have a leg to stand on. Oh wait - I might need real WORK before that could happen...

I cry precisely because of people like you. People that think treating each other with the callousness with which you comfortably function is the new 'normal.' I will never be one of you. I will cry each time I am expected to become you. If that means a new career, I can live with that.

The Shadow of the Day
Will Embrace the World in Gray
And the Sun Will Set For You

Just when you feel like the clouds might be parting, you realize that the peace you had found was just the eye of the storm as it was passing through.

You guessed it ... death number six, in just fifteen months.

This one makes me almost as angry as my grandmother's did ... it was preventable. Her own family was too dysfunctional to make a difference in her care and she was too stubborn to find new doctors ... despite how badly they continued to fail her.

Her husband is devastated and already hospitalized, awaiting a surgical procedure, with no one to go home to once he is discharged. And still ... each family member is focused on themselves, putting the blinders of selfishness they have lived with for the past decade to maximum usage.

I could understand if the dysfunction drove them apart completely ... but each of them will ride into to town on the a variety of high horses demanding to be the ultimate decision maker and first person called for everything. It is no different than my aunt who hardly spoke to my grandmother and then came to town when she died ... to fulfill her responsibilities as the eldest child. It is just pathetic and stupid.

Where were all of you when I was calling doctors, making appointments, checking for interactions in medication and accurate dosing, buying food and cooking when they were too tired and needed to be taken care of? In your nice comfy lives, half a country away where she was out of sight and out of mind. Not your problem, right?

I fully expect to be made the scapegoat for all their anger this week. And trust me, they are angry with her (especially in death). Despite everything I did to make things better, they will need someone to yell at. To those family members, I have only one thing to say: I wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire.

Don't get me wrong ... this woman was not the nicest of people, not even to her family. More likely she behaved worse with her family than anyone else ... but she is still a human being and she is still their mother. She deserved better than being left to die at home, alone.

So I'm Going Home, To the Place Where I Belong

I keep waiting for my official retard certificate to arrive in the mail.

Seriously...

... its coming ...

I somehow managed to trip over a ceiling fan this morning and bleed all over my bathroom floor. It was pure genius, I'm telling you. At fucking 6 am.

My first instinct looking at the wound was stitches. I later convinced myself that I had overreacted and a clean cut like that could heal itself with the help of a butterfly closure.

My first panic was getting blood on the carpet. My second was at keeping the swelling down so that my toe rings didn't have to be cut off. I have priorities here people.

I landed in urgent care after work because as much as I didn't want to admit it, I needed a tetanus shot. I was almost 2 yrs overdue as it was. Of course they wanted to look at the wound. And of course ... what had done such a great job of knitting back together came gaping open and bleeding everywhere in the hallway as I took the bandage off.

Fuck.

I am now the proud wearer of stitches. Just in time for a long weekend.

I'm telling you ... that card is on its way. It is in the mail.

Fastlane ... Oh we just collided in the fast lane

Ah ... the stench of the familiar ... Shit for brains employees

I had a meeting with yet another bundle of red tape today and was nearly immediately glad to have worn my trusty boots.

A word to the bitch I was dealing with - When I have prior approval from your boss, I don't give two shits whether you agree with their decision or not. When you're the boss, you can make the calls. Until then, keep your unimportant opinions to your ghetto-ass-self.

I was essentially told by an underling that she would do what she could to get her bosses decision overturned because she didn't agree with it. I politely told her that if my applications were denied based on that tenet, I would become quite annoying to her office.

She didn't seem to quite understand and later threatened me again, throwing that someone else could overturn the decision. I again politely let her know that I would not take that kind of an assault lying down.

So she threatened me again with an official board meeting.

Seriously? Don't challenge me. I won't back down and I always come armed. And I usually win. Even if I have to take a win by submission.

So You Want To Be Saved But All Your Friends Are Villians

You know you've had a rough day when you open a piece of chocolate and the wrapper says:

I really reached the end of my rope today at work. The things that pass as acceptable behavior and the bureaucracy of something as simple as one human being taking care of another is enough to make the most stable person cry. (And what do we know about my stability ... especially in reference to crying ...?) I did manage to hold it together ... surprisingly ... in case you were wondering.

As suicidal as it would be for my future in the industry, I had to fight the urge to take my ID and put it through the shredder harder than I ever believed possible. What is the point in doing good deeds if you go insane doing them?

If you'll excuse me, I have some alcohol to drink and furniture to rearrange.

Don't Act Like An Angel, You're Falling Again

I. Fucking. Hate. Hippies.

But I love free stuff, so sometimes I put up with them ... as long as their stuff doesn't smell like patchouli ... And I joined the lovely little yahoo group that Buckethead introduced me to, Freecycle. Exactly how it sounds ... you give your stuff away and other people take it. (Better known as other people give their stuff away and I take it)

There are only a couple catches to this nifty system:

1. They break it down regionally - which can severely fuck people like me that live on the border of two regions the hippy-gods arbitrarily decided would be good divisions (see rules 2&3 for an explanation of the fucking)

2. Crossposting in multiple areas is NOT ALLOWED! (Apparently it wastes gas and causes too much competition for items ... WTF???)

3. The moderators for the DC area take their jobs WAAAAAAY too seriously.

I ran into this problem when I first moved in and had nothing to offer anyone else but needed things like ... oh I don't know ... a lamp? I was chastised for posting a request without a prior offer. Bitches...

Current problem with this hippy moderator ... giving away a loveseat. This moderator continues to remove my post to give away a loveseat. She initially removed it and chastised me for crossposting in two areas ... and then immediately allowed posting of it again. (Huh?) Now she has removed my posts because I did not wait the appropriate period of time to post on the second list.

JESUS CHRIST WOMAN! IF I HAVE TO POST IT TWICE ON BOTH LISTS HOW MUCH INTEREST IN THIS DAMN LOVESEAT DO YOU THINK THERE IS?????

So I sent her one of my patent-pending notes about how her rule following was not only petty but in direct competition to her hippy loving goals of environmental safety ... this loveseat is off to the landfill ...

Hippy Bitch

The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades

Woohoo! I didn't fall asleep at my desk today! (or in a staff meeting)

I chalk it up less to the fact that I went to bed at 9pm last night and more to the fact that I only spent 3.5 hrs at my desk throughout the whole day.

Either way ... victory for me

Now where are my shades ...?

Let The Rain Fall Down And Wake My Dreams

Today is evidence of two things:

1) Further proof that I made the right choice staying OUT of the miltary.
2) I soooo have got to get more sleep. A few hours cuts it when being entertained (perhaps entertaining as well) but it is not sufficient for the long days of staring at an uncooperative screen.

I was stuck for an extra 20-30 minutes commuting home from work and I could not keep my eyes open...quite literally.

I hate sleeping in public while alone - even on planes. I will close my eyes but not genuinely sleep. Today, I tried doing my sudoku and gave up after I kept losing my place to drooping eyelids. I put my head on the window and closed my eyes. The next thing I knew I was jerking myself upright again from actual sleep (repeat scene ~5 times).

Thank god there is someone else doing the driving.

Tommy, Tell Me Have You Seen The Light

Answers to Tough Questions (Written by kids):

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.

-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.

-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

-- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.

-- Ricky, age 10

And This ... This Could Be ... The Summer When I Grow Up

I guess you have no choice but to grow up when you finally land a "career" ... but I sure as hell don't have to like it. Those painful, "this is what its like to suck it up, drive on, and be an adult" moments are leaving me with a lot of bitterness that I can't quite seem to spit out.

But no one ever promised doing what was best for you in the long run would be pleasant in the moments it takes to get there. (wait, isn't this the same rationale that landed me in DC in the first place?)

My inner clarity is becoming crisper through it all, so maybe it isn't all bad. There are purposes to the things we experience, right?

I will simply have to find a way to block out that knowledge right now. It is so not my style to ignore my heart but what choice do I really have? If I can throw a towel over the clock on the treadmill to get through my workout, I can throw a towel over this too ...

We've Got A New Bitch In The Family!!

Despite the fact that he never blogs (like he's busy or something), Telebush has a new puppy and needs help naming her. She's a mix of border collie, husky, and a little german shepard. Head on over and leave him a comment with your suggestion(in any thread really since its so stale over there).

And while you're running around ... go check these guys out:

Wired All Wrong

I've got their song "Elavatin" stuck on mental repeat (and it just so happens that I did my high school days right near where they call home)

I feel like everything I sow
Is being swept away

Think you had a crappy day? At least you didn't get a jury summons.

Fucking judicial system

Don't You Know This Misery Loves Me?

Today's Horoscope:
Take a look back at something that happened recently that left a sour taste in your mouth. You'll realize you were not at fault.

SWEET! Even the cosmos think I can blame someone else for my problems these days. Who says stars don't align?

There's No End To What You Get If You Give A Little
Take A Chance and Meet Me In The Middle
Of the Dance Floor

Since there has been so much ahem ... interest ... in this shoe:

I have added it to my amazon wish list and IF they end up on my doorstep, I promise to wear them during the next Milblog Conference lunch.

There ya have it ... Bluff. Called.

Flip or fold, folks

2007 Milblog Conference

It is finally here!

I've got a full house and a full weekend.

Report of what I can remember to come later ;-)

REPORT: 5/6 2:30p
This year's conference was unquestionably the bigger and better event that we had hoped it would be. It is a good trend to have in the conference business...

I was a lot more comfortable at this year's conference than last year's, so that made a huge difference in what I took away. Last year, I felt stupid for showing up and having to explain "no, I don't milblog..." to every person I had the courage to talk to (mostly because someone else introduced me to them). This year, I didn't feel so stupid explaining "no, I don't milblog ... I milblog when there are fundraisers or support orgs need to get the word out. I'm a supporter."

I met so many great people that have done so much to help the cause, the community, and the country that I really felt honored to be in their company. And the best part about going to these events is seeing that the milbloggers are doing this, not because they have to, but because they want to. For some, it is just fun or a personal outlet - but there is still a meaning and outcome so much greater than that for those affected ... something made all the more powerful by the fact that it isn't someone "just doing my job."

For the social aspect, it was a kickass weekend. I don't think I had more than 5hrs sleep during the weekend but who needs sleep when you're having a good time? And anytime I end up in bed at 4:30am with another woman, some serious fun was had (right AWTM?).

Overall, it was just great to see my friends again (especially the ones I didn't think were going to make it) and make some new connections I can look forward to seeing again next year.

Desperation
There's danger in frustration
Complicated words slipping off of your tongue and ain't one of them the truth

I've spent the last 3 days with 9.5 hrs of attempting to keep myself semi-conscious without the benefit of the internet or a television, very limited news sources, severely limited email access, oh ... and no work to do. Unfortunately, I keep being told this is "normal" and I can expect many more of these days.

Seriously?

How on earth do they expect me to keep from throwing myself into the giant plate glass windows and getting tangled in their permanently drawn blinds as I tumble to my ultimate state of maim if they keep this up?

The four story drop and glass just might kill me ... if I'm having a particularly lucky day...

Everybody's Runnin' Like The End of The World Was Comin'

Funny he should mention quitting. Ok, that's not the funny part. Its only funny cuz I thought he said quilting ... and I've been thinking of taking it up as a hobby.

What on earth I would do with quilts once I'm done with them, I have no idea. I am so not a quilt kinda girl. And I am most certainly NOT an afghan girl. But the hand stitching on my window treatments felt interesting ... satisfying ...

Sure, I managed to stab myself a couple of times with a needle, but no blood drawn. Still, it was calming.

But we'll see how my Sew Much Comfort clothes turn out before I take up quilting.