On my way to work this morning, walking down the street, I suddenly found myself in the midst of prayer ...
I am not a church go-er, I am not a pray-er, I am not a religious being to say the least. Faith and belief in a higher power are not close to the surface of my brain or emotional function. Most people think I'll burst into flame if I set foot in a church. But in any case, whatever relationship I have with the powers that be is silent, unconcious, and rarely nurtured.
Yet, there I was, mid-prayer, before I heard my head filling with the voice of a woman humbled by her own powerlessness ... asking for strength to stay the course, the courage to leap into the unknown, and a glimpse of understanding for that which causes the most pain.
Seems as though my soul just needed to pray
I got the following e-mail from my father this evening when I got home from work:
Court hearing this morning. Finally, a preliminary hearing scheduled for April 18. Likely he will plead/deal before that. Looking like all parties may agree on a 10 to 12 year sentencing - somewhere in that range - knowing that parole after serving 15% to 20% of time is possible.I am so not ok with this ... on any level. What kind of tough on crime, tough on drunk driving message are we sending when an irresponsible drunk can kill an elderly woman and serve only 1.5 - 2 years? She had far more years than that left on her life and she was a member of society that actually contributed! She touched people and changed their lives, just by being who she was. And this scumbag who never offered anything of substance to a community in his life gets to just take her away and be slapped on the wrist for it?
And I haven't heard word one about anyone fighting to actually put him in a courtroom. Witnesses and a good case - and they are already talking about a bullshit plea.
I'm f'in disgusted.
I think this was originally told as an engineering joke, but I'll go ahead and expand it to techies as a whole ... you know, for the purposes of that political correctness *cough* bullshit *cough* and whatnot ...
Q: How can you tell an introverted techie from an extroverted techie?
A: The extroverted techie looks at your shoes while you're talking to him
Either I'm having a fat day or my pants are having a small day.
I think it's probabaly the second ... I'm sure of it ...
Poor pants
I've just gotten home from an interview that appears to be with a good group of people, flexible work environment, and decent pay for part time work.
But I'm pretty sure I bombed it.
I was distracted by trying not to cough ... which failed and to which after a few minutes one of the interviewers said, "you sound miserable" - great, just what I want an interviewer to be focused on...
My head was definitely not in the game. I did not sell my skills, my talent, or my interests with any kind of convincing bravado. I listened to them more than they listened to me, and given that I depend on the face-to-face sale in order to be hired, that's just not a good thing.
Yet, I'm pretty ok with this failure.
I took the interview, despite feeling like complete ass, because every interview helps prepare you for the next. So, I learned some lessons this morning from actual interview experience - that's a good thing.
Then, you have to think - a foot in A door, isn't always going to get you a foot in THE door that you're looking for. I know I could do the work they are asking for but it is a foot in the door to an aspect of the industry that I haven't ever been super-infatuated with. So, maybe there is no real big loss in not going to work for them.
But more importantly, maybe an immediate opening isn't what is meant to be for me at this time. This job starts ASAP - like in 2 weeks or less. No break between current job and next. No re-grouping. No downtime. Only start now, work now. Somewhere I have to hope that fate has scheduled for me some kind of respite from things. Sure, there are a lot of people facing lives much more difficult than mine but that doesn't mean I'm not deserving of some rest.
And then there's Dad, who has asked me if I might come to Kansas again and share in some of the childhood he experienced there. I can only guess he wants to re-live and pass on to help him heal from the loss of his mother, the re-awakened pain of losing his father at the age of 13, and the realization that he has no parents left. And knowing that what little support my dad is willing to accept comes only from my brother and me, I feel that I have to make that something important in my life right now.
So, maybe it’s ok to fail this time. Maybe this failure it is part of something larger that is meant to be, for a better opportunity and a better me.
FINALLY, something good in my life to write about....
I spent my night drinking wine, telling jokes, and giving dating advice to foreign dignitaries...
What did you do?
I'm a little slow (ok, a lot slow) at posting about it (I blame the browser that ate this post the first time I wrote it), but guess what I didn't watch last night ... that's right ... L&O:SVU. Thanks to Blackfive and his loyal readers, I am now more informed about how Richard Belzer really feels about our troops. And quite frankly, I'm just not listening.
I really enjoy the fact that in our country you have the right to think or say whatever your heart desires. What doesn't seem to cross the minds of those who want to be heard is, there's no line in the Constitution or Bill of Rights or the Declaration of Independence or any other founding document that says anyone has to actually give a crap about what you want to think or say. It just says that I don't have the right to keep you from thinking or saying whatever it is you'd like me to pay attention to ... so I won't.
I won't make any move to tell Richard Belzer to STFU or impede his rights. What I will do though ... ? I'll add him to my list. He can join people like Johnny Depp and the Dixie Chicks, both of whom have been banned from my house. That's right ... BANNED! I don't care how talented you are as an actor, musician, or circus monkey celebrity - it doesn't make you a genius ...
So, Richard Belzer (and L&O:SVU as his employer), find yourself comfy on the LIST OF THE BANNED because your ignorant gum flapping has landed you a spot that I don't think you'll be leaving anytime soon. But by all means, keep talking ... that will just leave more time and money in my day to spend on people who are going to stick to what I'm paying attention to them for - entertainment.
On the upside of things, someone finally decided to pop the big question!!!!
Reader and long time friend, Dorothy, was out at a scenic point aptly known as, "Paradise," when her man decided to ask the big question.
I couldn't be happier for the two of them. He's getting a great woman with so much going for her it isn't even believable; from what I can tell, she's getting a man that cares for her like none other. And of course, it is always so heartwarming to see good things happen to good people.
Be sure to wish them many happy years together.
Sounds like he did good on the ring too! ;-)
I just read that Calabasas, CA has become the first city to ban smoking in a public place ... period. Honestly, I couldn't be more disgusted in their decision or embarrassed to say Californians made it. I went to high school just down the road from this city and my family is still there, so from my repeated experiences there, I can't say I'm surprised. I understand that indoor smoking is harmful and annoying so I get the premise behind those bans - even if I think they are too draconian. But seriously, this time they are taking the whole smoking ban idea just a little too far.
But the California legislature ruled second hand smoke to be a toxic air pollutant and a public nuisance, so that makes it ok...right?
Um... no!
Because you see, secondhand smoke is not nearly the same as diesel exhaust, arsenic, or benzene, all compounds found within the same category secondhand smoke has now been placed. Lobbying groups are citing studies linking secondhand smoke exposure to breast cancer, but what about the studies that show more than 35-40% of women that develop lung cancer have never touched a cigarette? Is one person smoking outdoors so potent that it should really be considered poisonous? Even a group of people smoking together outside, is it really that terrible?
No, it's not. However, the lawmakers of this city are so rude and arrogant that they must be controlling of others' behavior instead of asking people to be responsible for their own.
What ever happened to the ability to get up and move away from the smoke? Or letting businesses decide for themselves whether they will allow smoking on their outdoor patios? Are we really the kind of society that feels the need to isolate and ostracize people, simply because they smoke?
Last I checked really drunk people were a public nuisance too - but we still let establishments decide for themselves whether they will apply for a liquor license, don't we?
What is our country coming to when we feel the need to legislate every bit of individual behavior? I miss when Americans had a pair and could simply act like adults instead of running to Daddy Lawmaker every time someone else got a little annoying.
I can't believe the weekend is over already. I want more weekend, I want the week to never start, but I want this weekend to end. It's been the longest, short weekend I've had in a while...much more emotionally charged than I would have expected as well...
St Patty's was fun - found a cool new coverband, and learned that I can't stand drunk chicks as lead singers. But then again, I'm somewhat perma-grump right now with this worsening cold so maybe I'm being to hard on her. You see, I hardly ever get genuinely sick so I tend to be pretty pissed off about it when I am. I starting treating this cold pretty early, but the bastard is hanging on strong. Anyway, I wasn't the only one that wanted to strangle her with the mic cord, so I blame her, not the cold.
... it's been a month now since Grandma was killed. I keep finding little reminders of her and more frustrations from my family on how the loose ends are being tied up. The criminal case seems to be moving, but nothing has really happened yet to know how well it is going. It is still hard to believe she is really gone though.
Nickelback's "Savin Me" video was an unexpected reminder of all of it for me though ... for those of you who've seen it, maybe you know what I'm talking about ... people have an invisible countdown above their heads, marking the time until they die. In the video, an elderly woman that appears uninjured is put into an ambulance ... with 11 seconds counting down above her head. I sat there in bed watching, then covered my head and burst into tears.
I tell you, if it isn't a tree or germs knocking me on my ass these days, it's some kind of emotional side tackle I didn't see coming ...
... but I get up again ...
I missed blogging about my St. Patty's day festivities yesterday, why? Because I was laid up in bed all day.
Because I was hungover? No...
Because I was getting laid by some hottie I met the night before? No...
But because I managed to find myself coming down with a nasty cold, just before going out on Friday. One of those *WHAM* you're sick kind of moments that hasn't eased up yet.
Of course, the sore throat and tiredness didn't keep me from ejoying my Guinness ... but it sure did a number on my plans for Saturday...
True to their word, the higher ups served soda bread and irish coffee to celebrate this fine spring holiday.
Whiskey brunch...?
Maybe workin for the feds ain't so bad after all...
Now to continue the morning's festivities ...
I've been thinking a lot about St. Patty's Day ... I think it just might be my favorite holiday ...
- The whole point is to have fun & get drunk
- Whole bars of people become quick friends for no other reason than what day it is
- Drinking at the work place is more likely to be accepted (good news for me this week)
- You get to pinch people without getting hit
- And, you get to say all kinds of toasts in a crazy fake accent, and people will laugh along with you instead of calling you a dorky poser
I say we all take the day off and do this holiday like it deserves to be done. Who's with me?
Oh, I mean, Pi...
HAPPY PI DAY!!
...Just in case you can't wait until Friday and need something to celebrate today...
When Matty O'Blackfive says St Patrick's Day is a real holiday AND has a Guiness commercial to prove it, I don't see how anyone can argue...
St Patrick's Day is a real holiday!
A reason to love bein' Irish that's right up there with all the "kiss me, I'm Irish" clothes I can legitimately wear
Just four more days to wait!
So, I'm not so much sick as much as I'm donning seven bandages...
It all started when was over at a friend's house getting ready to run errands ...
cue flashback music and squiggly lines
The dog needed to go out and do his business before we left, so I took him out the backdoor to a small wooded area. He peed on a few things but I was trying to encourage him to do it other business as well. It was all downhill from there ...
He saw a little dog on the other side of the fence that runs through the trees and went straight for it. I was pulled straight for the trees.
I did what I could to keep this dog from jumping the fence and eating the little dog, but he was determined and I was unprepared. I was caught off guard and wearing the wrong shoes ... flip flops ... I had no time to brace myself or get any traction in the rocks and dead leaves.
The dog hit the fence, I hit the trees. I even knocked one down ... with my face ... and found myself smacked into a few others before landing on the ground in an akward pile ... wondering how many of the neighbors were peeking through their windows to see about the loud crash they just heard ...
fade out flashback
Needless to say, my body is a little sore from the tumble. My cuts and scrapes are bandaged and my bruises still freshly tender. Thus, I am home "sick."
Looking back, it's pretty damn funny ... and how many people can say they took a tree out with their face? Just call me Paula Bunyan, but boy do I ache!
So ... I find myself home "sick" today ...
I'd love to share why, but it's time to go back to bed.
I'll be back in a few hours ...
To The Guy Running This Silly Game:
Listen up, Buddy. This isn't funny anymore. Ha, ha, you had your little fun trying to dump a bunch of emotionally difficult crap in my life all at once, but you're taking the joke just a little bit to far now.
You won't defeat me. You can pull your little strings and turn all of my concerns about the near future into reality, but it will be for not. You see, I know that your game will continue - your stunts are predictable. I am prepared for everything you are waiting to put in my way.
I'm asking you nicely here - please, just cut this shit out so we can all get on with our lives. I'd venture to say it would be in your best interest to play nice here ... because, at this point, you're just pissing me off and that is not a good place to be in relation to my foot.
So, how about you cut the shit and I won't hunt you down and kick your ass ... ok?
Sincerely,
Sick and Tired of Your Games
... I want some more ...
Well at least that's what it felt like last night. I attended an Embassy event with very kick ass food.
Apparently some of the representatives thought that the other intern and I might starve though. They kept wanting us to eat more food and then they sent us home with doggie bags full of it!
So of course everyone on the metro had to smell my leftovers the whole way home ... I thought the homeless people were going to start trailing me home! These events just keep getting more and more interesting ...
I got the coolest e-mail yesterday - a stranger said thank you.
I am nothing but a little fish trying to do little things to make the world a better place one baby step at a time. I am not an influential player in the big game. I am put a spare cog in the machine, it would run without me. But I keep showing up at the game because I can't seem to forget this:
And the good will was returned...
Being the good guy that he is, Harvey offered to send every single one of his female readers to my site (you know, to help me get towards my 25,000 goal and all...), on one condition:
I have to help him get his acting career off the ground.
So Ladies, Big Brawny Harvey in all his manly glory, just for you ... ENJOY!!
(link is safe for work)
"In the end we will conserve only what we love. We will love only what we understand. We will understand only what we are taught." - Baba Dioum, Senegal
I love this quote but I think it needs a little tweaking ... because just looking back at our own childhood and eduction we can see, we will not understand what we are taught ...
We will understand only what we are willing to learn
Since it’s a weekend and no one will be blogging or reading blogs, I'd like to take a moment to have a little self-awareness/pity party for myself. My apologies if you came here looking for something of more substance - that's just not me right now.
Whilst smoking some of the greatest cigarettes of my life ( ... it had been SOOOO long ... ) I realized that I am insane. Plain and simple. I am insane.
I live my life watching it unfold like a movie I have seen three times over. Most of the time, I can see what will happen before it ever does. I do my best to observe and wait to see if it will really play out the way the movie says it will ... perhaps because I fear altering the destined course of the world or maybe I just don't want to be deemed as controlling as my mother was.
But here's the insane part ... I am always crushed when my predictions come true and the movie plays according to its script without missing a beat. I almost always know it is coming before hand, I expect the hurt and disappointment long before it is delivered, but I am insane enough to hope this time will be different.
Some days I just wish I could be wrong.
I don't ordinarly ask for presents, but this one would mean a lot to me...
to celebrate my first Munu-versary ... next month ...
I know, it's a pretty tall order for this blog ... needing an average 200 hits a day and all ... but what do you say? Spread the word and help me out?
I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears and
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind
Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
You find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between and
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on
And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind
Everyone knows
She's on your mind
Everone knows I'm in
Over my head
I'm in over my head
I'm over my
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind
I am a question to the world
Not an answer to be heard
Or a moment that's held in your arms
And what do you think you'd ever say
I won't listen anyway
You don't know me
And I'll never be what you want
Me to be
And what
Do you think you'd understand
I'm boy, no, I'm a man
You can't take me
And throw me away
And how
Can you learn what's never shown
Yeah, you stand here on your own
They don't know me
'Cause I'm not here
[Chorus]
And I want a moment to be real
Want to touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change
They're the ones that stay the same
They don't know me
'Cause I'm not here
And you see the things they never see
All you wanted - I could be
Now you know me
And I'm not afraid
And I want to tell you who I am
Can you help me be a man
They can't break me
As long as I know who I am
[Chorus]
And how can the world want me to change
They're the ones that stay the same
They can't see me
But I'm still here
They can't tell me who to be
'Cause I'm not what they see
Yeah, the world is still sleepin' while I keep on dreaming for me
And their words are just whispers and lies that I'll never believe
[Chorus]
And how can you say I'll never change
They're the ones that stay the same
I'm the one now
'Cause I'm still here
I'm the one
'Cause I'm still here
I'm still here
I'm still here
I'm still here