Its no secret that I have half a zoo crammed into 1340 sq ft and that I am sometimes (massively) annoyed by the things they do.
gassing me out ...
drool...
peeing on me...
flinging slobber...
vomit...
feathers...
chirping...
squawking...
splashing...
biting... (yes, one of the fish bit me)
Sometimes I wish I could put them all up on Craigslist and be done with it.
But it was almost worth it today when this happened:
The dog decided it was too early to be awake so he is sacked out on his bed in the living room. The birds, however, decided it was a perfect time to be awake and started bitching at each other. The dog picked up his head, looked straight at their cage, and gave them a clear expression of annoyance (you could see it in his face). He huffed and laid back down. Then he left the room because his huff was not enough to shut them up.
Karma's a bitch, isn't it dog?
I found a remarkable level of peace this week. Of course, in the true style that is my life, it was the by-product of an argument. Ah, my old friend drama ...
I blocked my brother from chatting with me.
He ambushed me with a question about why my mom was calling him. When I gave him my estimated answer and some FYI that went along with it, his defensiveness kicked in. It turned into the never ending drama that goes along with someone carrying the baggage of a full blown inferiority complex. I immediately became the bad guy in his mind. I did my best to be patient but when he called me by another family member's name as an attack/insult, I had enough of trying to rationalize with the irrational. I said good bye and I blocked him.
I feel like I've closed a chapter. I feel done.
I will have to see him at Christmas time and I'm sure I'll get coaxed into going to his inevitable wedding, but now it all feels so much less assuming and doomed. I no longer have the expectation that the relationship can be repaired. Its less of an "I don't care" and more of "I have better things to put my emotion toward."
No more wishing.
No more hoping.
No more expecting.
Just breathing the fresh air that I've found
I am once again in massive cleaning mode ... I've shredded three trash bags full of things and probably come up with about half as much straight trash. And I'm not done yet.
I keep coming across a diary of sorts that I kept during a relationship long since dead and gone. Actually (unfortunately), it is less of a diary and more of a self-therapy notebook. It is full of times when I ran away to cry, he lied to me, I needed a way to verbalize my frustrations with the failing partnership, etc. Truthfully, its a pretty painful memory of how stupid I was. I have no idea if that guy ever found it, read it, or even knows that it exists. I suppose it doesn't really matter though. In any event, I have come across it each time I've gone through one of these phases and I've never thrown it away.
Here's my question dear readers:
Is this one of those keep because you'll want to reflect on your life when you're 85 kind of things or one of those, good riddance to bad rubbish kind of things? Is it a helpful reminder of what it felt like to be that stupid and what not to ever accept in my life again?
Really, I know I should be letting my brother's immature, constant need to prove he's a grown up get to me ... but he just keeps including me. Can't this kid just leave me alone already?
My mom says all he wants is his big sister's approval but let me tell you something, he ain't gonna get it by being retarded.
And when I'm only allowed to say the things you've previously scripted, I'm not really going to respond with an overwhelming need to have a relationship with you. Seriously... me? Controlled by someone else? Have you met me lately? I do still have a pulse ... so, that's not really going to work for me.
Why am I agitated by him you ask? The text message moments after his girlfriend said yes and the newspaper clipping of an email he sent detailing to the family three days later that she said yes. (no "don't let him get to you" notes, unless you really must, because I know ... there is a delete key for a reason ... and I have used it ... but the fakery just made me that iil)
Well no duh she said yes ... she's the cougar that's been pressuring you to ask so that she can start popping out kids like the rest of her family. (Bye bye PhD! Hope you didn't really want to finish that, lil bro) The text message I deleted with very minimal heartburn. I was annoyed but DELETE and DONE. The email today ... wanted to punch him - in.the.face.
Who writes to their family like this?
I am proud to announce my recent engagement to (FIRST NAME) (LAST NAME), formerly my girlfriend of three years who presently lives with me in (LOCATION).< blah blah details >
They're not posted yet, but there will be too many pictures to sit through available online at some point. My face has never ached so much and my eyes never felt so burnt as they did with the paparazzi-esque picture frenzy that followed our arrival! There must be about 2000 pictures from the weekend . . . I'll make sure the links to the picture pages are distributed when they're up for anyone who is interested.
I'm looking forward to celebrating with all of you! We don't have a particular time in mind yet for the big day, but that will come in due time. I'm relieved to have made it through an emotionally overwhelming moment and ecstatic to say that I'm engaged to a beautiful woman who is my best friend and more.
With pride, joy and love,
(Name)
Maybe I'm overreacting but if you knew my brother you'd see that this email is a ridiculous attempt to "be grown up". I mean come on ... her last name? Its not an announcement for the paper where the people reading aren't going to know immediately who she is. Its your family who you have talked to about her and half of which you've forced us to spend holidays with.
Next time, be less of a tool and I'll feel less punch-you-in-the-face-ey. ok?
WOOOOOOOT!
I just booked myself a 9 day, 8 night vacation on the beach in Maui.
I haven't even left yet and I already feel better.
Two months til paradise...
< insert happy dance >
Dear Self,
Chips dipped in cottage cheese does not equal a sufficient or balanced dinner.
And the two cookies and handful (s...) of reeces pieces still count, even though no one saw you eat them.
Oh, and wearing those athletic shorts around the house while trying out your new running shoes does not count as exercise.
Just FYI ...
--Self
Have you ever been riding down the road and find yourself conflicted about how much you should care that someone else is about to smack the center divider?
Um, probably not. Let me explain...
My brother just told me he is going to propose to his girlfriend when they go away next weekend (they celebrate the anniversary of the first trip they took together, even though they weren't dating then).
I should be happy for him, right? Right, I should ... but I'm not. I think he's making a mistake. A big one. It isn't really even about his girlfriend anymore. He's just too young, naive, and immature. Although, to be frank, I think the pressure is from her. The P word (pregnant) has been whispered a few times in the last year so I think they have had some scares and she is anxious to have it be more than a scare. Which really is the scariest part ... my brother, a dad ... those poor children. I feel bad for his dogs ... I can only imagine how someone as screwed up as he is will screw up a kid.
Do I at least get points for feeling bad that I'm not happy for him?
Probably not enough to outweigh the bitchy, selfish things I started thinking ... am I going to have to use my precious vacation time for this? will there still be enough money for when/if I get married?*
But back my driving analogy (I don't want to hear about how ironic that is)...
I feel like my brother is that car that is headed straight for the center divider. He has focused so hard, for long, on being my dad's shadow that I think he is blindly following my dad's driving without realizing he's headed for the accident of his life. I know I should put on the happy face and just be another car on the road ... I'm not in the car with him, I'm not going to hit that wall with him ... but he's my brother ... shouldn't I care? Isn't there some kind of familial moral obligation to keep people from doing stupid things? But maybe he'd have to care what I think before that becomes effective ...
Honestly though, as awful as this is going to read in writing, I don't really care what my brother does with his life. I don't miss him and dread seeing him at family events. I gave up on a relationship with him until he grows up because he is so much the proverbial gnat at my picnic. He never wants to hear what I actually think (I know because he's pissed when it isn't what he has scripted me to say), but will ask me what I think about things like this.
To keep peace with the rest of the family, I think a silent smiley face will be in order. Any great advice on how to put/keep that smiley face on?**
*my brother WILL be asking my dad to pay for some of the wedding and my brother knows no such thing as the word no or a budget)
** beyond just not giving a shit, I can probably manage that one on my own