October 26, 2009

I'll Watch the Night Turn Light Blue, But Its Not The Same Without You

So, its no secret around here that I have horrific relations with my immediate family. With the holidays coming quickly, the anxiety of perhaps having to see them is building by the day.

Even as a fully grown adult, I feel like I am reliving my teenage years every time I am around them. I can't quite figure out if it is because we are stuck in the same dynamic where I want something completely different than they do or if it is because the issues of those years are still so unresolved. Probably a little bit of both. Probably not all that unique either ... raise your hand if your family isn't dysfunctional ...

So what do you do about it? And how do to stop it from continuing to fuck up your life?

I have had an itch to write each one of them a letter explaining my side of the relationship and why I have chosen to withdraw so far. But I keep asking what good could possibly come of it? On the other hand, isn't is okay if nothing good comes of it? We are in a pretty bad place as it is, maybe the words in black and white without a personal confrontation will give them an opportunity to see something that they haven't before? You can't expect people to understand you if you don't give them the opportunity to, right?

It would be delusional to think that anything I wrote to my dad would lead to a divorce from his wife (even though he never should have married her) or to my mom would change her emotional manipulation or to my brother would yield anything other than defensiveness and accusations, so maybe writing letter would be for my own peace than any real hope that things could change.

Part of me feels guilty for even wanting to make things better. The thread of a relationship I have with each of my parents is purely selfish. Partly financial, partly so that there will always be someone that answers the phone. It is superficial and I can't remember the last time I felt genuine deep-seated emotion for either of them that wasn't negative.

Part of me wants to completely close the door and move on, but I am afraid I will lose pieces of my family that I actually do like. I can't stand the idea of admitting defeat and letting them talk about me like they do my aunt ... the one that walked away and started her own family and didn't really look back.

Maybe I just have too much time on my hands to dwell on what will never be since the family I chose will be gone for so many more days still...

...I'll doze off safe and soundly, but I'll miss your arms around me....

Posted by Princess Cat at 11:11 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack