A Swift Kick & A Band-Aid

Waiting For This Life To Change Seems Like It's Taking Me Forever

I just sat and listened to my voicemails that have built up over the last week. Only four this time. I guess it is odd that I avoid listening to voicemail but I don't avoid the phone when I hear it ring. I don't know what that is about really ...

I had saved messages the system wanted to delete, so I had to listen to them too. Then there were the messages that I had somehow skipped instead of saved or deleted. I guess I probably listened to 12 messages total.

It was ridiculously depressing.

Messages are the wake up call from the dull haze that something went wrong ...

I sat there and felt sorry for myself in the same moment that I hated myself. In one fraction of a second, it feels ok to still be upset ... to really not be back to normal ... to think about them and what I wish had been different. In one more fraction, I have such disdain for those feelings ... a hatred that I could be so consumed with something that pales in comparison to what so many others are going through.

I keep telling myself should feel touched that people are calling to see how I am doing and that I have made it home safely ... but that isn't the first feeling I get. I feel tired and heavy, aimless and misdirected, but most of all wasted. Everything I could be contributing to the world is going to waste. The energy I could be putting into my own life is trapped somewhere that I can't seem to find most days.

I want to be me again. I want to be the me that my friends love.
I don't know how to be this person ... but I can't get her to go away.

The Annual Countdown to Veteran's Day:
Project Valor-IT Fundraiser Weeks

It's that time of year again ...

The Annual Countdown to Veteran's Day, Project Valor-IT Fundraiser Weeks

Here's the way this works...
For the next two weeks (Oct 30 to Nov 10) teams representing each of the 4 military services will compete against each other in an attempt to raise the most money for Project Valor-IT - an organization that donates voice activated laptops to members of the military that have been wounded and are unable to use conventional computer equipment.

Bloggers from around the 'sphere are joining up with their favorite service team (Go Team MARINE!) and recruiting as many civilians as they can to join their side of the fight (Go Team MARINE!) to bring awareness to this great organization.

So pick your poison join team Marines and have at it. Post flyers (found here). Tell your neighbors. E-mail your address book with the Project Valor-IT website. Ask your boss to match your donation. Get creative with it.

Keeping these guys connected to the world is one of the greatest things we can do. So join a team (Go Team MARINE!) and in the words of Blackfive, "be part of something big."

The Fine Print Details:
All donations are tax-deductible and eligible for matching funds from participating companies. All of the fine print and such to assure people this is legit can be found right here

And for those that like writing checks, send them to the address below and make sure they know you want the money to go to Team MARINE!

Soldiers' Angels
1150 N Loop 1604 W, Suite 108-493
San Antonio, TX 78248

Team MARINE:

Weekend Update ... Without Anyone Funny (Or Tina Fey)

The wedding was ... um ... wedding-y

The reception was much better. One of the groomsmen forgot to stay behind for photos and then couldn't find the location where the photos were being taken, so they left him out entirely. We're still making fun of him for it. I did also meet a very fun couple that lives in PA ... so I'm hoping to hang out with them one of these weekends (maybe if I ever have that housewarming party, right?)

Today, I stumbled accidentally upon what I may have decided is my new sofa (I know, I know ... you've heard me say that before, but I mean it a lot more this time ... except for the price tag). They are asking $170 for delivery - frankly sounds to me like highway robbery. Other stores have quoted me less than half that for an equal number of pieces of the same size. And a 6-8 week wait for my custom fabric is not really very conducive to a warm and cozy (or comfortable) housewarming party.

And now, I am tired. Weddings and shopping are hard work.

Damn I've got a great attitude at 6 am

Amidst the height of my sofa dilemma ... which means I have looked and looked and am tired of looking and just want to buy something somewhat within my what-I-though-were-reasonable parameters ... I am off to a wedding.

Have I mentioned I not a big fan of said functions?

I'll be that girl in strappy shoes in 49 degree weather ... cuz 1) my shoe selection sucks, and 2) I just didn't give a crap enough to buy a special outfit for this wedding

And Sometimes You Close Your Eyes and See the Place You Used to Live

Here's a pic of the new baby I'm thinking about putting some cash down for this weekend...

Go have a look

What do you think??

UPDATE:
I was not nearly as in love with the sofa once I visited it for myself. The angle across the corner was more severe than I thought and would make it tough for a tall person to crash for the night - although, probably doable ... and the fabric on it was a textured suede thingy - it was soft but kind of cheap looking and they kept telling me I couldn't clean it if I got something on it. The cushions can't be flipped over to spread wear - they velcro on. And it is only two pieces so it is entirely not modular.

The price is about my limit so, it may not totally be out of the running yet ...

UPDATE 2:
This comes in a sectional ... any thoughts??

Sometimes If You're Lonely
Just Remember She Can See
There Are Holes In The Floor Of Heaven

Having had this whole "death in the family" dealt with four different ways this year, I have come to learn what helps me say my goodbyes and be okay, what certainly does not, and what leaves me just flat weirded out.

There was a viewing for Grandma and a short little speech at a shelter in the cemetery, but I did not see her buried. We were told there could not be a graveside service. I cried over her odd looking body, sharing stories and meeting people that knew her in ways I had never known about. I remember how awful it felt to ride in the limo the next morning as my mom squeezed my hand - all I could think of was how surreal the whole thing was and how proud I was of Leavenworth for the respect they showed our procession. Regular people on the street stopped what they were doing, some cars pulled over, and the Post did a very professional job. But I am still angry that she did not get the funeral a Lt Col's wife deserves.

Aunt J had a memorial I could not attend and a service at the cemetery. I fought tears through the reading and laid flowers on her coffin before they lowered it into the ground. Friends and family gathered at a house and shared stories over a meal more than once. We looked at pictures and books about her life. We celebrated her life and what Aunt J brought into our own.

I couldn't attend anything that was done for Uncle W. I don't know who was there, but I wish I had been one of them. He will forever be gone and there was no goodbye. I will probably always kick myself for not stopping in to see him when I was in town last year ... if I had, I'm sure I would have known he was sick before his time expired. I would have known that "someday" needed to be sooner than I ever made room for it to be.

Aunt F didn't have a service of any kind. No viewing, no memorial, no nothing. No one really even talked about her. The family sat around looking at each other for the weekend. We had sandwiches for most of the weekend as we told stories about our own lives. It was like she just happened to be out of town while we were coming through. She had just poofed away, her clothes packed up, and not a word spoken to cope with it ... like it wasn't an awful thing. It was something weirder than I can even convey.

I've heard relatives say through this that they want what Aunt F had ... nothing. They want to forgo the services and any fuss people would put up for them - 'cremate me and be done with it' is the general attitude. It is making me sick to sit there quietly and listen to it. This past weekend was creepy enough to make my skin crawl at the end of the day.

In my head I have spent the last year screaming. I hate this notion of a 'humble' exit and a lack of 'trouble' or 'attention' brought to the deceased. Funerals aren't for the dead! You have to respect what they wanted but services and burials aren't to make them happy - they are to give people like me a chance to say goodbye in a way that leaves MY heart at ease.

So I've decided a few things about my own exit - I don't want immediate services. I want a reasonable period of time to go by so that my friends as well as my family can be notified and make arrangements to travel if they want to. As awful as people look at their viewing, I want one. I want a memorial service for people to mourn if they need to. I haven't decided how I feel about the burial vs cremation yet ... but I'm leaning toward a burial. When I poof off the planet for whatever reason is mine, I want it to be about the people left behind.

Services, company, food, and stories.
I want an Aunt J goodbye for everyone.

Off To See The Sunshine State

Tampa, here I come ... my flight leaves crack-ass-early in the morning.

So .... unless someone comes to check on the Princess Palace while I'm gone, you'll be lonely til Tuesday.

Thin Mints Away!

If you didn't catch me the first time I pushed this, here's your chance. If you've already read my bit about this ... sucks for you today.

CJ is still raising money to send Girl Scout cookies overseas. His daughter wanted to sell 750 boxes this year and she's made it to 691. That's only 59 boxes away from an amazing feat! Only $295 to raise. For the blogosphere, that's nothing! We can achieve this last push in our sleep. So head on over to A Soldier's Perspective, click on the Girl Scouts to Cav Scouts button, and give a boost to a little girl's goals.

You only have until Saturday to get your order, your neighbor's order, your cousin's order ... somebody's order ... in by the deadline

Oh, the hot bods getting to eat the cookies will appreciate it too

Project Runway: Season Three

I will admit, I did not watch seasons one or two so my ability to judge this show is based only on the past how-ever-many weeks. But I have to just say ...

Project Runway SUCKS!

I grew addicted to it once my aunt got me watching it, but now ...

Complete and total suckitude

(If you TiVo'd the finale last night and haven't seen it yet - stop reading)

Jefferey won?

Are you effing kidding me?

JEFFEREY?!?

There is no way in hell any woman worth any amount of money would wear the clothes he sent down the runway. They were monsterously disgusting ... even by runway standards!

And the models he picked to show for him? Could, um, any of them actually walk?

I really wanted to see Uli or Michael take this one home (but only since my boy Kane was already gone ... I mean, hello? Did you see that Miss USA dress he did? Or the couture gown? And he's got some balls to go with his talent)

I'm very disappointed in the judging ... and if the other seasons were anything like this, I'm glad I didn't see any of them. Shame on you, Heidi Klum.

Sometimes, Death Is The Least Painful Part

Today, at 7am EST, the torture stopped.

No more confusion. No more tremors. No more dementia.

My aunt's has life ended.

My uncle lost his wife years ago. They were each other's world, but she stopped recognizing him as her husband. Still, he devoted his life to taking care of her. A nursing home or some kind of institution was not the right answer for them. It was tried, but she broke a hip in one of those places ... he brought her home and saw to it himself that she was safely tended to.

He watched her slowly lose who she was and slip away from the life they had built together. The more of her he lost, the more of his world that crumbled. But still, he was the person there day in and day out ... cleaning the soiled sheets, dancing with her like a child to coax her into tasks, and making her still feel pretty, I'm sure.

Maybe this was the easiest part for her, to lie down and wait for death. Maybe this was the most peaceful thing she experienced through her struggle with Parkinson’s and Alzheimer's. I don't know. She did what any social animal would do ... she went away from the 'pack' and waited for what her unconscious brain knew was coming. Maybe that is peaceful? I can only hope that it was.

But for him, the real agony for is just beginning. A life without even the shell of his love is something I don't think he is prepared to lead. To me, no services mean no closure. I just hope his heart hurts only half as much as I imagine it could right now.

And When The Going Aint Easy Babe
A Little Faith Will Pull Us Through

Milblogging needs your help this week.

Head over to the Radio Patriots for info on an e-bay auction to help raise money for SC Eagle and Ellicia (and their family). Bidding starts Thursday.

As some of you may have read at A Storm in Afghanistan (or one of many other places), Ellicia was recently diagnosed with some of the most awful cancer and is undergoing treatment (again). Updates to let everyone know how she is doing come from time to time, but they all need our support 24/7 ... whatever hopes, thoughts, and prayers we can give.

Baby, Take Me On A Journey
I've Been Thinkin Lately I Could Use A Little Time Alone With You

Perhaps there are days when I am wound just a little too tight. So I try to keep myself sane and find my victories, my moments, my pleasures in the small things.

Simple. Sweet. Juicy.

How could anything be more perfect?

Sometimes I Go Walking Through The Long Tall Grass
Wonder How Long Hard Times Will Last

I don't even want to listen to voicemails or read emails anymore. When they are from parents, out of the blue, they just can't ever be good. In fact, I'm not really sure what kind of cosmic fucking joke is going on this year, but I stopped laughing several months ago. Seriously. Not Funny.

Per my mom's most recent message - My aunt is lying in bed, basically catatonic. Won't eat, won't drink, won't respond. She is in the final stages of Alzheimer’s. Hospice has called her time short.

Is this all to teach me that death is nothing to cry over? Because I always will ... no matter how 'used to it' or 'routine' or 'normal' it becomes ... I will always cry. I will always feel like my legs were kicked out from under me. I will always feel cheated. I will always feel like I am crumbling inside as I walk forward to be the rock for someone else.

They ... whoever they really are ... always say, life will never give you more than you can handle. Well, I'm starting to wonder who thought I needed to be given this much at one time. What on earth is it meant to prove? I already felt fairly confident in my strength of character and my ability to carry on in the face of adversity.

At this point, I am just angry. I have turned the other cheek when I have been crossed. I have held my retribution to thoughts, not acts. I have tried to 'pay it forward' in life. What about my life means I deserve to be tested ... and with such maleficence?

I know, I am looking at this through a 'me-me' lens and not a 'they are better off now' mindset ... but at the end of the day when it is me in this house and I am my shoulder to cry on, sometimes it is a valid lens to look through.
Does facing death make healing trust issues easier? No.
Does dealing with multiple losses help soothe abandonment issues? No.
Does a funeral make it simpler to be close to family? No.

I am trying to heal my many past wounds and be a put together adult here ... whoever is running this fucked up little game, you're just not helping worth a damn. I hope you find it funny cuz I sure don't, you evil prick.

I Almost Froze My Little Bitties Off!!

I really hate leaving my windows closed all the time ... it gets stuffy and stale without fresh air coming in at least part of the day. So, last night ... I left the living room and bedroom windows open a crack ...

I woke up to a house at 55 degrees!!
Getting out of bed to that, I almost froze my little bitties off!!

But I'm too stubborn to turn the heat on .... So I'm still in jammies, a hoodie, and my squishy leopard slippers until the sun warms up the house.

Guess there are worse ways to spend my day...

Headed Out For Nap Time

I made it through this fire and only came out with a few minor burns, so I guess that advice was pretty good.

Dad's came to town for the weekend too, so now it is time to relax.

Until Monday, when I face another interview ...

If You're Going Through Hell
Keep On Going, Don't Slow Down

That was the best advice I heard all day ... some random country boy ... quoting some random country song ... but the right words nonetheless ...

I had a rough day. That's all I can say about it.
There are more on the horizon before a break will come ...

Haven't I already been told eight times over that I'm under too much stress?

::: heaving a mug of herbal tea :::

What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger
What makes me stronger, helps me heal
What helps me heal, brings back my smile
What brings back my smile, helps heal others

So in the end, it's all for a good cause ... right?

My Ragged-On-The-Edges Girl

Looks like karma hasn't totally quite forgotten me just yet. In fact, I had free Toby Keith tickets fall in my lap this weekend and one kick ass time.

Two years ago, I pushed my entire schedule for the evil, dreaded cross-country move so that my friend and I could go see Toby Keith's Throwdown Tour together in the very amphitheater where we had first met (also a country concert). She and I showed up looking all cute in our gear ... sans beer, sans lighter, sans cigars, sans binoculars ... we were just so excited to see Terri Clark and Toby Keith that everything else just went out the window.

This time, I enlisted the help of another friend of mine and three of us had a good ol' time singing along to Toby's Hookin' Up and Hangin' Out Tour. We remembered warm clothes, money for beer, binoculars (which we didn't use), sandwiches and snacks. We were effin' prepared this time.

Neither of my friends knew who Joe Nichols was though ... until we got there. Once he started playing Brokenheartsville, Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off, and the like ... then they knew who he was.

I'll tell you right now though ... I am not a passive concert goer AT ALL. I am on my feet, shakin my booty, singin the songs, and goin' nuts. It is one of those times when the dancing around the room in my underwear, singing along to the radio, pretending its me on stage … actually gets seen in public. But hell, I'm having a good time ... so what if I look like a total doof in the process.

I will note that I came prepared with my blue bandana to both concerts though ... and when Toby sang about his little Whiskey Girl (blue bandana tied all up in her hair) ... I was right there waiting for him to take me home.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Your Dominant Intelligence is Interpersonal Intelligence

You shine in your ability to realate to and understand others. Good at seeing others' points of view, you get how people think and feel. You have an uncanny ability to sense true feelings, intentions, and motivations. A natural born leader, you are great at teaching and mediating conflict. You would make a good counselor, salesperson, politician, or business person.

More Cookies for Marines

There's still a little bit of time left to donate Girl Scout Cookies to the Marines in Iraq and Afghanistan. All you have to do is head over here and click the donation button on the right sidebar. Of course, CJ would probably appreciate you reading his update of their progress during the donation process (and it will inspire you to read about his daughter's goals and determination) but you don't have to.

I personally donated for a lot of reasons, but most of all, because I tend to buy the cookies out of guilt and then feel guilty for eating them - I have such little willpower when it comes to cookies. I can tell myself no to the cookies on the store shelves, but when I know what it felt like to be that little girl selling cookies and how disappointing a "no thanks" response felt ... I just have to buy a box. This way, I have satisfied the guilt I would have felt for saying no to a little girl but I won't cry when I try to squeeze my jeans on and know that the cookies are partly to blame.

Plus, those Marines are going to enjoy them waaaaay more than I do.

Scotcharoos

UPDATE: This went over FANTASTICALLY at today's outdoor festivities. I suggest the next time you want some sugary, gooey goodness without using the oven ... seriously, give these a try.

Yummy, delicious, kill-ya-dead-on-the-spot Scotcharoos.

They sound like some kind of alcoholics dream, don't they? But I didn't get the recipe from either of the Scotch Afficiandos that I know, so there must be some other recipe that is a scotch drinkers second vice.

Nope, this is a recipe passed down to me and traceable to the hands of my great-grandmother, who I never met. I have no idea where she got it from but I've heard it had a pretty popular hayday back when.

1 cup sugar
1 cup light corn syrup
1 1/4 cup smooth peanut butter*
6 oz Rice Krispies (half a 12 oz box)
1 sm package of chocolate chips
1 sm package of butterscotch chips

* you can reduce this to 1c, the extra makes for a softer treat at the end
** It helps to have everything pre-measured or pre-poured prior to starting the recipe as sugar burns easily and gets difficult to work with as it cools.

In a 3 Qt saucepan, gently heat sugar and corn syrup until the sugar melts. Remove from heat and stir in peanut butter. While still warm, add half the Rice Krispies to the saucepan and mix. Continue mixing the sugar/cereal mixture with the remaining cereal in a large bowl. Mix until combined.

Press the mixture into a well buttered 9 x 13 pan. Glass is the best type of pan to use for this.

Melt the chocolate and butterscotch chips together. Pour over the cereal mixture and smooth.

Allow to cool slightly, refridgerate, and cut into squares.

I made these tonight and I'm waiting for the chocolate to set up in the fridge ... just the leftover bits and pieces were so yummy. Come on, peanut butter, butterscotch, and chocolate all in the same crunchy, chewy little bar ... that's just heaven waitin' happen. I can't wait for the finished product!!

Cookies for Marines

UPDATE 2: Over 335 boxes of cookies donated!! We have until Saturday to get orders in and even businesses are donating now. Anyone feel like hitting up their own employer to donate? Go here if you still want to help.

I just discovered (via John at Op-for) that the guys at A Soldier's Perspective are collecting donations for Girl Scout Cookies ... for Marines.

Having been a Girl Scout myself and being a lover of both tastey Girl Scout Cookies and yummy, yummy Marines, I just couldn't turn down this opportunity to donate.

Besides, who deserves a box of thin mints more than these guys?

UPDATE:
CJ says they're almost at 300 boxes of cookies ... 300 boxes ... and there's still a whole week left to donate.

His daughter has taken on a huge goal of getting these cookies overseas AND sending thank you notes to everyone that donates. She's an amazing girl with great dreams. We're lucky to have her supporting our troops and her parents supporting her efforts.

Personally, I'm humbled.

You Know, I Expected So Much More From You

Anyone who has been here for a while knows - I don't have the greatest relationship with my family. We are working on it, but there are still issues. And don't think it's just me - my mom, dad, and brother all live within 5 minutes of each other and I think their relationships are just as dysfuntional as the ones I have with each of them.

In general, I think my biggest issue with the families that grate on my last nerve is the monumental hypocracy that goes on within them. They treat family members with less respect than they would anyone else on the planet and then say, "but I'm family!"

Don't buy a plane ticket and THEN tell me when you're coming. You'll find yourself sleeping in a hotel and doing a self-guided tour of the things you wanted to see.

Don't try to monopolize my holidays. I will spend them where I think I should. There are more people in the world that I care about than the people I am most closely genetically matched to. And if that one day matters to you so much, quit making me go to all the effort.

Don't think for a minute that that annoying whine of 'but I'm family' will buy you one ounce of exception. I don't give a shit who's family you're from ... if you wouldn't do it to your neighbor or your best friend, what makes you think it is ok to do it to me?? Period. End of Discusion.

(And that goes double for any potential in-laws that ever happen upon this as well)