I don't even want to listen to voicemails or read emails anymore. When they are from parents, out of the blue, they just can't ever be good. In fact, I'm not really sure what kind of cosmic fucking joke is going on this year, but I stopped laughing several months ago. Seriously. Not Funny.
Per my mom's most recent message - My aunt is lying in bed, basically catatonic. Won't eat, won't drink, won't respond. She is in the final stages of Alzheimer’s. Hospice has called her time short.
Is this all to teach me that death is nothing to cry over? Because I always will ... no matter how 'used to it' or 'routine' or 'normal' it becomes ... I will always cry. I will always feel like my legs were kicked out from under me. I will always feel cheated. I will always feel like I am crumbling inside as I walk forward to be the rock for someone else.
They ... whoever they really are ... always say, life will never give you more than you can handle. Well, I'm starting to wonder who thought I needed to be given this much at one time. What on earth is it meant to prove? I already felt fairly confident in my strength of character and my ability to carry on in the face of adversity.
At this point, I am just angry. I have turned the other cheek when I have been crossed. I have held my retribution to thoughts, not acts. I have tried to 'pay it forward' in life. What about my life means I deserve to be tested ... and with such maleficence?
I know, I am looking at this through a 'me-me' lens and not a 'they are better off now' mindset ... but at the end of the day when it is me in this house and I am my shoulder to cry on, sometimes it is a valid lens to look through.
Does facing death make healing trust issues easier? No.
Does dealing with multiple losses help soothe abandonment issues? No.
Does a funeral make it simpler to be close to family? No.
I am trying to heal my many past wounds and be a put together adult here ... whoever is running this fucked up little game, you're just not helping worth a damn. I hope you find it funny cuz I sure don't, you evil prick.
Posted by Princess Cat at October 14, 2006 09:45 AM @ 09:45 AM in Way Down Inside // Permalink | TrackBackWell, I stopped by your page to leave you this link since you are always trying to help out the soldiers. It isn't appropriate for your current entry, but well, maybe it will help you to smile for a moment.
http://www.wral.com/health/10068341/detail.html
There's a lot to be said for snail mail.
Sorry for the bad times you're going through; trust me, it will get better. That's not cheap grace; just experience talking.
Posted by: Norma at October 15, 2006 06:17 PM... that which doesnt kill us either makes us stronger or makes us wish that it had killed us.... damn, I'm not cheering you up much....
... still, try to go with stronger...
Posted by: Eric at October 16, 2006 08:14 PM