October 31, 2006

Waiting For This Life To Change Seems Like It's Taking Me Forever

I just sat and listened to my voicemails that have built up over the last week. Only four this time. I guess it is odd that I avoid listening to voicemail but I don't avoid the phone when I hear it ring. I don't know what that is about really ...

I had saved messages the system wanted to delete, so I had to listen to them too. Then there were the messages that I had somehow skipped instead of saved or deleted. I guess I probably listened to 12 messages total.

It was ridiculously depressing.

Messages are the wake up call from the dull haze that something went wrong ...

I sat there and felt sorry for myself in the same moment that I hated myself. In one fraction of a second, it feels ok to still be upset ... to really not be back to normal ... to think about them and what I wish had been different. In one more fraction, I have such disdain for those feelings ... a hatred that I could be so consumed with something that pales in comparison to what so many others are going through.

I keep telling myself should feel touched that people are calling to see how I am doing and that I have made it home safely ... but that isn't the first feeling I get. I feel tired and heavy, aimless and misdirected, but most of all wasted. Everything I could be contributing to the world is going to waste. The energy I could be putting into my own life is trapped somewhere that I can't seem to find most days.

I want to be me again. I want to be the me that my friends love.
I don't know how to be this person ... but I can't get her to go away.

Posted by Princess Cat at October 31, 2006 11:05 AM @ 11:05 AM in Way Down Inside // Permalink | TrackBack
Comments

Okay, I'll stop leaving the messages with the heavy breathing...

Posted by: Ogre at October 31, 2006 11:32 AM

We need to talk.

Posted by: dick at October 31, 2006 12:03 PM

oh honey
i sent you my number, give me a call.

Posted by: shoe at October 31, 2006 02:01 PM

I think your volenteering was a great idea!! I know you have been busy with a couple of organizations, but a new one might be in order!!

Posted by: armywifetoddlermom at October 31, 2006 11:44 PM

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Posted by: fgrzu at February 24, 2010 07:44 AM