February 18, 2007

Letters to Grammy: One Year

A year ago I never dreamed that I would have the journey ahead of me that I have spent 365 days facing.

I went to bed one night with the worst of my problems being a resume that wasn't quite right, a few papers to write, some emotional baggage, and a bit of distance among friends over who I chose to date. Really, not great, but none of it felt insurmountable. I thought that my life was fairly on track.

I had no idea that when I went to sleep that night that I would wake up in an entirely different world ... or that the phone would ring and you would be gone.

I couldn't know how cheated I would wake up to feel ... and for so long.

So many things I thought you would see me do and achieve and be proud for ...
All the questions that didn't have the right moments to ask ...
The lessons I didn't make the time to learn ...
The moments I wish would have gone differently, the ones that I thought would fade into the past with new opportunities turned out to be our last

I have found within myself things that I did not know were there and some that I wish I did not know. I am learning and facing life at a break neck rate, a painful frozen standstill, and frustrating groundhog day pace. I am more distant now than ever before with the ones I have grown closest to. I am the picture of strength hiding a shattered heart. I am ashamed that I have not lived up to your example in the face of all that is unfair.

I remember when it rained ... it poured ... I wasn't ready

I have visited but the stone still isn't real. It's still not your name they wrote there. I still think I might wake up and none of this pain will have been real ... I won't have watched a family shred or the evidence of your daily habits become a museum.

"Tears of hope run down my skin.
Tears for you that will not dry."

Posted by Princess Cat at February 18, 2007 01:00 AM @ 01:00 AM in Way Down Inside // Permalink | TrackBack

Aw, I hope someone is there to give you a big hug today. Possibly for the entire day.

I've been through a similar experience, and all I can say is that I hope that things get easier for you. Sadly, and in all honestly, I don't think it's something that ever completely goes away. I'm sure, no matter what you think or feel at the moment, that you've made her very proud. All grandmothers ever want is simply for their beloved ones to find happiness. Best of luck in doing that.

Posted by: betweenbars at February 20, 2007 11:38 PM

I'm sobbing too hard to leave a coherent comment. *hugs*

Posted by: dawn at February 24, 2007 09:26 AM