A Swift Kick & A Band-Aid

Letters to Grammy: One Year

A year ago I never dreamed that I would have the journey ahead of me that I have spent 365 days facing.

I went to bed one night with the worst of my problems being a resume that wasn't quite right, a few papers to write, some emotional baggage, and a bit of distance among friends over who I chose to date. Really, not great, but none of it felt insurmountable. I thought that my life was fairly on track.

I had no idea that when I went to sleep that night that I would wake up in an entirely different world ... or that the phone would ring and you would be gone.

I couldn't know how cheated I would wake up to feel ... and for so long.

So many things I thought you would see me do and achieve and be proud for ...
All the questions that didn't have the right moments to ask ...
The lessons I didn't make the time to learn ...
The moments I wish would have gone differently, the ones that I thought would fade into the past with new opportunities turned out to be our last

I have found within myself things that I did not know were there and some that I wish I did not know. I am learning and facing life at a break neck rate, a painful frozen standstill, and frustrating groundhog day pace. I am more distant now than ever before with the ones I have grown closest to. I am the picture of strength hiding a shattered heart. I am ashamed that I have not lived up to your example in the face of all that is unfair.

I remember when it rained ... it poured ... I wasn't ready

I have visited but the stone still isn't real. It's still not your name they wrote there. I still think I might wake up and none of this pain will have been real ... I won't have watched a family shred or the evidence of your daily habits become a museum.

"Tears of hope run down my skin.
Tears for you that will not dry."

Posted by Princess Cat at February 18, 2007 01:00 AM @ 01:00 AM in Way Down Inside // Permalink | TrackBack