First, I want to thank everyone for their supportive comments and e-mails. I haven't been able to read them without crying yet, but I know that time is coming. I am hoping to share my struggle without alienating those with the best of intentions, but that may happen. Because there was a second part to Tuesday's entry...
There's always the anger...
Over the years, through all of the thinking and the pain that comes out of rape, I really have grown to be fairly angry inside. There's no other label for it, no other expression for it, and I see no way around it, despite the toxicity that it brings to my life. Maybe it's just a stage I'm in as I learn to cope. But on the grief scale of life, there are really only a few issues that get me really fired up.
I hate, with a fiery passion, the word rape. Not for what it stands for, but for what it doesn't. In today's worldview, I wasn't raped - I was sexually assaulted. I say, no - I was raped. Does my blood mean less because fingernails and not a penis drew it? It is the same blood. Am I less violated because his penis was forced into my mouth and not between my legs? Both are a violation of the most personal kind. The socially accepted and utilized definition of rape says that my case, my pain, and my recovery aren't as difficult. The inherent judgment that I should be able to "get over it" easier, faster, and better is just salt in the wound. Even the media we use for entertainment support this idea. The girl on L&O:SVU that was "touched" is never as emotionally traumatized as the girl that was raped. From where I sleep at night, haunted by the memories, rape is rape and there is no slightly raped.
Invariably I've heard all of the "it's not your fault," "there's nothing you could have done," "you can't blame yourself." So much so that it is more than I can take. Because it isn't really support. By some, I've been painted as a victim. I am not a victim. I've looked to see what I would do differently. I've asked myself why I made the decisions I did at the time. I've replayed the night to see how something so heinous ever unfolded. I've explored how to keep myself safer in the future. I am not safer because I carry mace or a weapon, in fact, I carry neither. I am safer because I know that I have value and strength - I am empowered. A society that tells rape victims that there are just that, victims, tells them that they are weak and powerless. It takes away from them the idea that they can control their own environment and hold other people accountable for their behavior toward them. It tells women that they will forever be vulnerable, no matter what they do. It is a mentality that makes women helpless creatures that they need not be.
No woman deserves rape. No woman asks to be raped. And no woman should be labeled as, dismissed as, or relegated to being a victim because she has been raped, in any way.
No one can fix it. No one can make it go away. No one can make you forget. But people can care, and nurture, and make you feel loved. They can put their own feelings aside in the short term and make the effort to show you love in the ways you best understand it, rather than in the ways they understand to show it. They can make you feel safe. They can be selfless enough to let you be irrationally upset, without taking it personally. They can be sensitive to your wants and needs for more/less/different types of attention. They can be inconvenienced and do it gracefully. Unfortunately, these things a lot to ask of someone else ... and not many people are up to that task.
Posted by Princess Cat at January 26, 2006 06:55 AM @ 06:55 AM in All Things Evil // Permalink | TrackBackI agree with everything you say.... we all do care and if there is anything we can do for you all you have to do is ask...
Katie :)
thanks for the e-mail this a.m. I was beginning to worry...I am here girl....I will even shut my mouth and listen!!
Posted by: ArmyWifeToddlerMom at January 26, 2006 12:45 PMGood girl. Give 'em Hell, Cat. And seriously consider looking into California's statute of limitations. Justice might not be a cure, but it might just be a first step down that road. If there are others, and you're sure that they are, perhaps you'd be helping them and showing them what you've learned. Maybe, just maybe, they would come forward, too.
Failing that, maybe a good dose of publicity would do the scumbag some good.
But if one thing is apparent from this post and the last one, particularly the comments, it's that you have a lot of good friends. You're lucky that way. A lot of people in that position don't.
No matter what you decide to do, you have my best wishes and hops for the future.
Posted by: skippystalin at January 26, 2006 03:04 PMYou're absolutely right. Rape is rape. Our society softens the words. Sexual molestation. Lewd and lascivious. That's all BS. If it's against your will, it's rape. Period.
This is the first time I have visited your site and your pain hits home. Feel free to drop me an e-mail anytime. I have been through similar experiences. And I know how to listen. Sometimes it's just what you need.
Posted by: Sticks at January 27, 2006 06:51 PMAfter reading of your experience, I realized that I have not taught my 16yo daughter what she can do if she is ever in that situation. As an experienced martial artist, I have the knowledge that may help her. I know that even if she succeeds in defending herself in an assualt, she will always have the experience of being assualted. I think there is little emotional difference between a successful assault and one where the offender is fought off. The defender is still scarred for life. All I can do is arm my little girl with knowledge and hope she remains ok.
Posted by: _Jon at January 29, 2006 01:35 PMCat, I know the rage, fear, frustration and emotional remnant from this vicious act of which you write of. I am writing to let you know that someday it may be possible to be free from that imprisonment. For me it's been years since I've had flashbacks and nightmares, but I admit it wasn't easy getting there. It took willingness not to give up and lots of emotional work to reclaim my life and a future free from the pain and anger and memory of the vicious attack. Below I've posted a small list of resource links that will offer you some support and links to resources where I live. The information they provide is helpful and you might be able to find similar information within your own state. I share this with you so you too can continue to empower yourself and break free from the pain, shame and anger you write of.
Please feel free to email me and we can then exchange numbers and talk. You've taken the first big step in talking about it. That is a HUGE step and one I commend you for. It took me more than 8 years to finally talk about it and seek help. But once I did I started on a path where I could move past being "whatever" in other's eyes and in mine. Please, whatever you do, don't withdraw, don't go back to that dark place you were before, because that is a place that will continue to perpetuate your imprisonment. Yes, everyone does mean well, but only survivors can know the self-defeating mechanisms we create to keep us safe and which no longer serve us once we're in the light. As Harvey said, new tools are needed. Yes, we arm ourselves with new weapons because the battle now lies within, and with the help of those who have moved beyond our pain you will learn how to be free yourself too.
www.rainn.org
Rape Abuse and Incest National Network is a national organization devoted to issues surrounding sexual assault.
www.ariany.org
Awareness of Rape and Incest through Art (ARIA) is an organization that believes in empowering and healing survivors of sexual abuse by transforming internal suffering into works of art. ARIA provides a forum for self-expression while spreading awareness of sexual abuse and creating a community among survivors.
www.giftfromwithin.org
Gift From Within is an international organization for survivors of trauma.
www.nycagainstrape.org
The New York City Alliance Against Sexual Assault is an umbrella organization uniting hospital-based programs, law enforcement and criminal justice professionals, and other social service providers interested in combatting sexual assault.
www.nyscasa.org
The New York State Coalition Against Sexual Assault is an Albany based agency that represents all the organizations in New York State with a common goal.