WARNING: The following is a very personal post about actual events.
On the night of January 24, 1998, America stood on the eve of Super Bowl XXXII. Football fans everywhere anxiously awaited the battle between the Denver Broncos and the Green Bay Packers.
Before that night, I was an awkward, late blooming 17 year old high school senior of the purest breed.
Since that night, no shower has ever made me feel completely clean, no heat has made me feel completely warm, no embrace has made me feel completely loved.
Eight years ago today, my innocence was stolen away from me.
In the house of a friend I trusted, with at least six other people nearby, I was trapped in rooms, pinned against walls, and molested despite my shouting at him to stay away from me. He had already hurt me, I didn't want it to happen again. He told me to be quiet when his fingernails drew blood. I spent the rest of the evening putting someone else between him and me, going room to room if need be. But that only worked for so long. He asked me if I liked it as he forced me onto a couch, kneeled on me, and made me perform fellatio on him. I locked myself in a bathroom until I thought he gave up. He tried to force me into a shower with him. I eventually slept in a room with someone else between me and the door, hoping that he would wake them by accident if he found me there. I don't remember if I slept at all. The next morning he smacked me on the ass and called me tiger.
I couldn't tell a soul back then. My friends believed it was all consentual. They winked and nudged for what felt like an eternity. I was dying inside. I don't know if it is what they really believed or what they needed to believe to get by. My grades plummetted and my parents screamed. They had taken everything from me before I broke. Curled in a ball, sobbing on the floor, about how betrayed I felt, I finally screamed back at them ... that I had been assaulted.
My mom yelled. My dad shut down. We've never discussed it again.
Now, I still can't really tell a soul. Most of my friends have never known. My relationships since then have been rocky. I've had a guy angry with me for having been assaulted. I've had a guy incapable of dealing with it. I've had a guy scream at me for being upset - my hysterics were selfish. The few friends I've told have said the obligatory apology and been done. Today, I simply can't look in the face of anyone that knows.
My life changed forever on January 24, 1998 but I don't know what night her life changed, or hers, or hers. But I'm sure there were others. I never spoke to his superiors or the police. And in my heart, I know there were others.
I walk through life feeling the stain it left behind. I hide in shadows to mask the obvious scar. I fear the pitiful looks and words that people give me. I am paranoid that people just know.
I've never found peace. I've never watched another Super Bowl.
Posted by Princess Cat at January 24, 2006 07:32 AM @ 07:32 AM in All Things Evil // Permalink | TrackBackI feel your pain. I was raped at age 7 by my father and molested until I was 16. There are no words to describe the hurt and betrayal when there is no one to protect you. People who have not been through the same do not understand and show that in so many different ways, as your parents did. Please just know that there is hope. There are people that care and can help. Please reach out to someone. Look to those who have been through the same, that have persevered and have taken control. Please know that you can triumph and that none of this was your falut. You can find peace.
Posted by: Pam at January 24, 2006 08:18 AMturn off, go take care of yourslef, call when you can or need too....
Posted by: ArmyWifeToddlerMom at January 24, 2006 09:28 AMIf you evr need to talk I am here to listen...if you ever need a hug I am right outside dc...please know you arent the only one and you have nothing to be ashamed of. I am sorry..sorry that this happened to you...sorry that the monster took your inoocence...and Im sorry that your the one paying for it and not him.Im sorry that your parents didnt know how to handle it andthat you to this day are still tyring to deal with it alone. Im even more sorry that you feel alone.
Please know that if you need a friend to listen I am here
katie :)
... I am angry.. why did someone not beat that motherfucker's head into mush... damn, I am angry...
... I wish there were something I could do for you... now or then either...
Posted by: Eric at January 24, 2006 04:34 PMWhat Eric said. I'm too pissed to write more.
Posted by: Johnny - Oh at January 24, 2006 06:08 PMI remember you saying something about this to me. I'm not sure when. I never knew all the details, but I suspected as much.
I find it commendable that you still support the Marines after what one of them did to you. At least, I believe my memory is correct about that point...
A bully, a coward, an animal, and - yes - a criminal. I hope he gets his due and receives multiples of the suffering he has caused you.
You sure as hell should not be ashamed or paranoid, for you didn't do a goddamned thing wrong and anyone who judges you in any way for what happened to you isn't worth the time of day.
Take care of yourself and hope that life takes care of the animal who did that to you.
Posted by: Jim - PRS at January 24, 2006 09:27 PMI understand EVERYTHING you are saying. thank you for having the courage to speak up. I was raped at 15 and i never prosecuted. thank you also for shining a spotlight on an area of my life i've tried to block away for so many years. its time i deal with all of it once and for all. I hope that you heal and that someday it will be something you don't have to hide.
Posted by: Shelley at January 24, 2006 10:08 PMWhat Pam said. There is life afterward, but it does take time and a lot of struggle. You made a big first step by sharing now. Today is almost over...
Posted by: Sissy at January 24, 2006 10:30 PMI want you to know I don't feel obligated to say this, though I am not a friend~just pretty new to your blog. I really am sorry that this happened to you and that your pain seems as raw today as it was 7 years ago. In what I've read on your blog you are Survivor with a Huge heart and you have brought love, hope and smiles to many people. I realize this doesn't take away your pain but I do hope you know what a blessing you are to other's you meet. It takes a very strong woman to be able to give to others when so much was taken from her. Bless you hun. Thinking of you and sending warm hugs your way.
Posted by: Allhanah at January 25, 2006 05:44 AMI understand. More than I am willing to write - but if you need to talk, shoot me an email - I'll get you the number.
Meanwhile - in time, while the pain never leaves, you'll be able to look yourself in the eye. In time, it won't matter what those other people say. In time, the nightmares go away.
I promise.
Posted by: Tammi at January 25, 2006 08:11 PMI can understand to a degree in ways I'll not have the courage to write.
But you know how to find me at all hours. I'm here for you.
Posted by: RSM at January 25, 2006 08:20 PMIf there's any justice in the world, he'll end up married to Lorena Bobbit.
Posted by: Harvey at January 25, 2006 09:08 PMI'm so sorry, honey.
Idon't know what else to say...
Posted by: skippystalin at January 25, 2006 09:49 PMKill him.
Posted by: barry at January 26, 2006 05:28 AMI'm angry, but not for the reasons you expressed in your post. I'm angry because this asshole managed to do what he did in a house filled with people. I'm angry because they did nothing, when their responsibility was to do everything. Everything to stop him.
He deserves the pain you feel.
Posted by: David Earney at January 26, 2006 12:13 PMHoly crap. Just, holy crap. It wasn't your fault -- no one should have to go through that kind of trauma. And you were a minor, too. I don't want to wish evil on him, but I hope someday you can stomp on his head with a stiletto. Failing that, I wish you the courage to talk about it and to cope with it and to find others who can truly relate. I don't know if it's comforting or disconcerting to know there were others assaulted on that same night. I think you're brave for opening up now and, honestly, you show quite a brave face to the world -- no one would ever know that this has been beneath the surface.
Posted by: dawn at January 26, 2006 09:08 PMMy heart and soul goes out to you. I know the angry and humilation you feel. I have been in your shoes. It took a tremendous amount of work and pain to get rid of the anger. The best thing you can do is talk to someone to help you work through it. Please drop me an e-mail or comment anytime. I know some wonderful resources you can use. May peace come to you.
Posted by: Sticks at January 27, 2006 06:45 PMThis ain't right. Drop a name.... Be damned sure you drop the right one.
From the few times I was around you Cat, the only impression I got was that you were NOT gullable. WERE very damned streetsmart. Very damned smart period. Scary smart to me. I didn't have a problem, or any concern with the way you carried yourself before this post. Men, well, this man, doesn't want a whiner. I'm kinda with Eric, hell, I'm all with Eric, especially Eric, and RSM. Cat, I got here from readin' your latest post, had to see what was up 'fore I made an ass out of myself in that post's comments. As the Dad of a 17 year ol' daughter myself, if I caught wind of somethin' like that happenin' to my first born, you all would be writin' me in prison, and I'd be leavin' this comment from prison.
There's probably not alot I have to offer you to comfort you, or to help you, but if you think for a half a second there is, don't you damned hesistate for a heartbeat to ask...
Cat, I'm so sorry you went thru that. A lot of us were molested, I'm finding - I was 12 when my damned evil cousin molested me - but it was not as bad as what happened to you, and it took me forever to get over it. Well here are some hugs from Kansas for you. Hope you get through the darned football season feeling okay.
Posted by: Beth Donovan at January 29, 2006 11:10 AMKnow that you are in my thoughts, and that I can empathize because of what happened when I was 12. If you want or need to talk, drop me a line. May the light shine on you, enfold you, and guide you as you deal with this.
Posted by: Laughing Wolf at January 30, 2006 05:50 AMAt 16 I felt as you did. I have managed to put it behind me in large part because of a wonderful husband, but there are days that it is impossible to put behind me. I feel for you, more than you know. I hope that one day you wake and are filled with light. I hope that one day he rots in hell.
Posted by: oddybobo at January 30, 2006 09:48 AM