A Swift Kick & A Band-Aid

3 Years

Today is the 3rd anniversary of the day I opened myself to the public eye and began writing what I then called an online journal. I didn't even know what a blog was. I had a geocities website that a few people visited now and then but I was writing for me, to keep me sane. I already had a lot on my plate but suddenly I was served seconds...

On my 22nd birthday, at a sushi restaurant with my brother and father, in the middle of one of the same blow out sibling rivalry fights I grew up with, my brother stormed out and pouted in the car. At that moment my dad told me my mom had been diagnosed with breast cancer.* A month later, I wrote my first entry that you see below because I felt I had no where else to turn.

07.05.02 21:30 PST

Music: Default – “Sick and Tired”
Mood: There isn’t a word for this emotion

Do you ever have one of those moments where all you want to do is throw up? Welcome to my evening.
Talking to mom was strange. Its like nothing is happening to her, nothing is wrong; she is just going about her normal life. For all the bonding she wants to do she sure has a funny way of showing it. I know she just wants to protect us and that she worries but it only makes it harder to deal with this situation when she acts like it doesn’t exist. Chemo isn’t like getting your nails done or your hair cut. It’s a big fucking deal. It isn’t just another appointment in your life but she talks as if it were a trip to K-mart on her lunch break. I just want to scream at her, “Be real for a minute, Mom! Don’t lie to protect me and don’t hide your fear from yourself.” Of all the things I’m angry about I think I’m most angry about how betrayed I feel in this. This doesn’t happen to my family and if it does it certainly doesn’t happen like this. Sure, I have my issues when it comes to dealing with stress but don’t fucking lie to me. I’d rather see the real situation than some sugar-coated world that will only come crashing down someday. I just feel even more pushed away when she pretends. I’m a big girl and I deserve the chance to deal with hardship. How else will I know how in the future? I’d rather be cheering her up, making her laugh about her pain, giving her a hug when she cries, telling her it will all be ok – this denial is killing me. I know she is hurting and I know she is scared. I have seen the pain and I have seen the tears. But apparently her strength comes from denying those emotions, in front of other people at least. I have resigned to be non-confrontational and keep my pain from her but it only drives me farther from the person who is supposed to need me more than ever right now. My support is false, merely a presence that comforts her, and a sham of a bond that shall break with the gentlest tug – but as she wishes….

I remember that night like it was yesterday. I wish blogging had started differently but regardless of why, I'm glad that I did. Even still I get discouraged and disheartened though. So thank you to those of you who have helped keep me going all this time...Blue, Wulfy, Gecko, Fern, LW, Creav, Dom, Casper, Cowboy, Ares, Eric...even though some of you aren't really around anymore, I owe you more than you'll ever know.

*Mom is now in full remission and healthier than she's been in decades.

Posted by Princess Cat at July 5, 2005 04:37 PM @ 04:37 PM in Bloggy Stuff // Permalink | TrackBack