October 27, 2008

And once we gone, we gone
There's belief we've gone forever

It's been a long time since I really gave myself some time to think ... probably because I knew I wouldn't like what I'd find. Now is probably as good a time as any, stuck on a plane ... alone ... for a trip I don't want to be going on. (Thank God for the empty row of seats next to me ... crying in public places is so much easier when you don't have to share an arm rest with a stranger).

I'm not happy.

I am worried. Quite persistently ...

I feel as though I have driven my professional life in entirely the wrong direction (not to mention into the ground) and I am worried that I cannot fix it. Not because I lack the skills to do so, but because I was so sure that this was the right direction when I chose this particular path and even still I was so flatly wrong. I am without a map or any whim to follow. At this point, I'm not sure I even have career aspirations (which brings up a whole different level of guilt and self-loathing).

I'm young ... starting over would be easy. But how do you start over when the only part of planning a new path you can manage is the part where you abandon the last one? I've always believed that you should jump to, not from ... so when will I be ready to jump? And in this job market, what are the chances of that window opening?

My personal life is just as bad. I am so overwhelmed by stress that I am missing the greatest joys. I am so deeply worried that I will regret the way we choose to get married that I am losing the joy of being engaged.

I know, deep down I know ... there are few things in life that are genuinely un-fix-able so there is no point in worrying. But I worry.

I want nothing more than to be a beautiful bride ... to have a suburbanite home with the garage, maybe some stone or brick ... to love my kitchen more than any other room in the house and find my peace in sharing food with others. But is all feels so imaginary and un-me.

I find myself so moved toward indecision, motivated by fear and apathy, that I am dead in the water.

I worry that the wind I need to fill my sails will never come and the next chapter of my life will begin the same way that this one has dragged on.

Posted by Princess Cat at October 27, 2008 12:56 AM @ 12:56 AM in Way Down Inside // Permalink | TrackBack

there is no wrong way to marry the one you adore...I promise.

As far as a path in making money, and being satisfied and more?

I am too confused at this point...

I am 38, I am trying to switch fields right now, but without the education and experience, it is hard. I know what I am capable of, I just need the opportunity to do so...

However, do not sweat the journey, you are missing out on the best part.

Easier said than done, I know.

I am always very proud of you and what you have accomplished, and I wish you were too.

And btw, congrats on becoming engaged...

one bite at a time dear...

Posted by: awtm at October 27, 2008 07:36 AM

Yeah, what AWTM said!

Celebrate the victories, no matter how small.

Learn from your mistakes, but don't dwell on them.

Never ever neglect those you love and who love you.

And remember, if you leave yourself open to the possibilites, there will always be a better job or another opportunity.

It's the journey not the destination that is difficult, the destination is already determined, its the path we travel to get there, that we have to decide upon.

And yes...congrats on becoming engaged, he is a lucky man.

Posted by: David M at October 27, 2008 08:58 AM

Well, yay on the engagement! Woo hoo!

Boy do I know what it's like to be lost on the career front, and that's all I've got so when it isn't going right, the whole world seems to be ending.

Give yourself some time to reflect, meditate or simply STOP thinking. Seriously. Go look at some pretty scenery and sing to yourself at every opportunity and, all in all, forget everyone else. I've found creativity cannot grow when the soil in one's mind is fallow.

There's nothing wrong with not knowing your exact place in the world. But there is comfort in knowing it's out there, waiting for you to find it.

Failing that, crack open a few bottles of pinot, turn off the phone and take a nice long nap. :)

Posted by: Dawn at October 27, 2008 07:42 PM

relax and don't hammer too hard on these things, or yourself for that matter. You and I really need to have a long talk.

Posted by: dick at October 28, 2008 04:22 PM

Congratulations upon your engagement! That's truly wonderful news.

Don't let the career ups-and-downs throw you too hard and far. In a short comment I couldn't begin the detail the fits and starts of my own work history that make the term 'career path' sound so hilarious to me.

Posted by: Consul-At-Arms at November 1, 2008 03:13 PM

Congrats on the engagement!

As for the career stuff... been there, done that. I have a master's degree in music from a prestigious school--and I'm a civilian working as "Assistant to the President" of a military support organization.

I left the music career and jumped WAY too soon, and I'm not gonna say the years music and this were fun, but I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, now. And I never saw it coming.

So, hang in there. Trust your gut when it comes to evaluating what you have to offer and how you want to use it. I spent way too long trying to be something else for the wrong reasons, but it's working out now. Short of death and maiming, nothing is permanent. :)

Posted by: FbL at November 2, 2008 10:51 AM

Gads I am so behind in my blog reading!!! Congrats on the engagement.

As for the rest I have a suggestion - FWIW. (that and 2 bucks will get you coffee at Starbucks - I'm just sayin'...)


Whatever you decide to do, decide to do it with enjoyment. For everything in life, be it weddings, jobs, living - there are a zillion options. The one you pick will be the right one for you at that time. It's human nature to wonder about the option you didn't choose. Ignore the urge to regret you can't try everything. I have been married for 29 years (nearly 30). We HATED our wedding - it was made unbearable by family.

What is the best part of hating your wedding? It isn't a focal point as being "the best day of your life". If that's the best - where do you go from there? No, ours was about the worst and therefore everything else was up from there. LOL.

On the job front - see if you can find what you would really like to do - then start working at attaining it. It may take you years (took me 6 years of school while raising children). In the end - you will still get older - picking up new skills along the way is never a bad thing - even if you never use them as intended.

Now - deep breath - blow it out. Smile. You have a great life ahead - it's all in how you look at it! Hang in there.

Posted by: Teresa at November 3, 2008 02:29 PM