A Swift Kick & A Band-Aid

Worn Down

I'm 25 days away from graduation and 5 days away from my final class meeting of my first tour in graduate school* ... and I'm having a tough time reaching the finish line. How pathetic is that? I'm just that worn down.

Coming off a night at Fran's and the Milblogging Conference, I'm doing a bit of wallowing, I suppose ... Feeling a little guilty for being so stressed over things that are so minor at the end of the day. Truthfully, I had a hard time remembering everything that was said at the conference simply because I had to fight so hard to not cry.

I sat there Saturday afternoon, trying not to let the tears show, ashamed for having been so petty and having felt so mired in drama over the past several months. I am young, I have a roof over my head, I have been given a multitude of great opportunities. My biggest concerns are finding a job and a relationship that I can be happy in. Really not such major things when you really stop to look at them.

I know that I will not starve as I try to find a job ... I have a safety net, even if it does come with a lot of drama. Somedays I would rather starve than depend on the net, but it is there nonetheless. And a job is there, I'm sure of it.

I know that "the one" will be revealed to me someday - that one day I will find my sanctuary where I can be safe from the mean, mean world. And I know all the nights I have cried myself to sleep were nothing more than me tolerating way too much of the wrong kind of treatment. I can't blame anyone but myself for that.

But I am so worn down that seeing the light at the end of the graduate school tunnel, the roof, the net, the path to "the one" takes more focus than I usually feel I can muster most mornings. And right now, I just feel like a horrible, selfish person for being so upset ...

*I say first tour in grad school because anyone that has talked to me for 5 minutes knows, I will more than likely pursue another degree by the time I hit 30.

Posted by Princess Cat at April 26, 2006 04:50 PM @ 04:50 PM in Grad School // Permalink | TrackBack